Bonner Essay Critique: The Dog in the Fight

College Essays
1

<p>Hi Everyone,
I’m applying for a Bonner Scholarship, and I need help critiquing my essay. Tips on making it sound more mature would be especially appreciated. Thanks in advance,
Kaeleigh</p>

<p>Here’s the prompt: Describe a person of particular inspiration to you. Explain how he or she has challenged you and what you find most admirable about him or her.</p>

<pre><code> The Dog in the Fight
My Grandfather’s six-foot frame stooped from Paget’s Disease. His skin was brown and leathery from too much time in the sun; and he only wore shoes when absolutely necessary. He moved at his own pace, and the word “hurry” wasn’t in his vocabulary. “Come on in” was. His door was open to everyone; whether they stopped in to say hi or needed a place to stay. In that way he inspired me long before he became sick, teaching me that it was one’s duty to help those in need, even if our own circumstances were hard.
His passion was fishing, and it was one that he passed to me. By the time I turned three, he’d taught me how to cast a line just right, and more importantly, how to wait patiently for a fish to bite, a skill I have been thankful for more than once. As we sat on the boat (or pier, island, or bank) we forged a bond that lasted for the rest of his life.
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<p>The first realization I had that my grandfather was getting sick was when doctors inserted a trachea. The second realization was when he had to have a feeding tube, as Paget’s Disease caused his body to slowly shut down. As he lost his ability to speak, and eventually his ability to move, he inspired me with his dogged determination and his unwavering smile. As he so often said, “It’s not the dog in the fight, it’s the fight in the dog.” Even when he made the decision to have his life support removed, he faced death with strength and serenity.
I inherited my grandfather’s high cheek-bones and thick hair, as well as his easy-going nature and booming voice. He taught me to love the outdoors as much as he did, to sing old bar songs, and how to can beans. The most important thing he ever did for me was to set an example. His kindness, his determination, and his strength are all things that I strive to emulate.</p>

2

<p>You do a decent job at describing why your grandfather was inspirational (he had a fighting spirit). The cute little story at the beginning was also admirable. The prompt does ask how this person CHALLENGED you and influenced you. I think you should spend time addressing that part of the prompt.</p>

<p>I’d like to hear more about YOU and impact your grandfather had on you. Something like describing how you channeled your emotions to improve yourself or how learning from your grandfather’s fighting spirit helped you later on in life would be helpful.</p>

<p>I think that part about fishing can be trimmed down a bit to include other details. That would help to make your essay stand out. I also think you should try to put more of a “whoa” factor into your ending.</p>

<p>Other than that I find that you write quite well. These are all just my opinions and I hope that they help in some way :). Good luck!</p>

3

<p>I would have “the fight in the dog” as a title, but that is an incredibly minor detail. </p>

<p>Aside from that, I love it!</p>

4

<p>Thanks for the advice. I made the corrections you suggested. :)</p>