<p>I second the recommendation of “Walking on eggshells.” My father had undiagnosed BPD because he refused to ever see anyone. And for years my brothers and I as we were growing up suffered the repercussions of his illness. I can’t tell you how helpful it was for me and my relationship with him after I read that book about eight years ago. Not only did I come away with a much better understanding of BPD, but I came away with tools that I could use in order to deal with his “moods.” The whole push me-pull you kind of behavior that for years I didn’t understand became a lot more clear, and it allowed me to interact with him differently. He still hurt me; he still hurt relationships, but at the same time I could see him through different eyes and realize, in his heart, this is not what he wanted. I could begin to separate the disease from the person … and not that I made excuses for his bad behavior, I still called him on it, but I learned “when” to call him on it, and how to call him on it. My d died Christmas Eve '06 (from cancer), and he lived with our family for several months, including hospice in our home. I attribute that book (and my faith) for helping me provide a compassionate environment for the man who for years tended to be only a very manipulative, narcissitic personality. I realize that’s not really an answer to any of your questions, but I wanted to “second” the other person’s recommendation. Good luck with everything! </p>
<p>A good friend of mine adopted her son from a foreign country and went through what appeared to be hell for many many years of his youth. He was expelled from every conceivable school and group. He was arrested numerous times. Made numerous suicide attempts. Physically attacked family and often threatened worse. So much of their house was destroyed- windows, parts of a porch,holes in walls.</p>
<p>They had a dozen different professionals working with them at the height of it. He went through convolluted combinations of all kinds of medication and an endless set of diagnoses with each new professional: add, opposition defiance disorder, bipolar, psychopathy, and attachment disorder. Because he lived his early life in a very poor orphanage, they believe it was a severe case of attachment disorder. </p>
<p>They never had a chance to have high expectations with him. Their dream for their child were more basic that anyone on CC: that he not kill himself, not kill someone else, and that he not end up in federal prison.</p>
<p>Around 15 he went to a special treatment facility for about a year or two- sorry I don’t have a clue what kind of therapy or approach it was. But after that he was a very different boy. He was off medication. He came back and completed his GED at 17. He enrolled in a vocational college and even successfully lived in the dorms without a conflict! He completed a trade program and did extremely well (had a perfect attendance, no behavioral issues). Now is living on his own, has a good job, a circle of friends, and by all appearances seems incredibly normal. His mom says he still has his moments but nothing remotely like before.</p>
<p>BPD is a very tough thing to live with–for the afflicted person and those who care about them. I am hoping my daughter can have a positive college experience–if we can find the right fit. Thanks for the responses. Mary</p>
<p>One thing to consider is the people who the student surrounds themselves with. My daughter lived off campus since she transferred in as a junior.
She was needy and wanting to make friends so she allowed room mates and boyfriends to take advantage of her. Her rental house became the party house. I called it a “revolving door”. No one helped to clean and it became trashed. I had to drive up once a month to demand rent money from them. One room mate tried to monitor her meds. and computer use. She has since said that they liked living with her since her parents paid the bills and weren’t there every day to see what was going on.</p>
<p>My DD had a roommate who turned into a nightmare- we suspect BPD. The issues involved complaints to the landlord incessantly and his office mgr was getting a psych PhD, she told me to look up the definition and it fit this girl to a tee.</p>
<p>My DD could do no wrong until it turned out the girls were not going to be best friends, then she could do no right. Not that my own drama queen did not contribute to the situation, but things just did not make sense.</p>
<p>The girl did graduate, does have a long term BF and is supporting herself from what I hear. One of the symptoms is being highly sexualized and this girl told my DD in TMI detail all the places in their apartment where she and BF did the deed- but I am not sure how you would decide if that was BPD or usual college behaviour If she is BPD this girl is highly functioning as no one would have known it besides a roomie. </p>
<p>I guess the hope from that is the potential to make a good life, but if you have a BPD kid maybe a single is a better idea? Roommate situations are tough enough without the black & white of BPD judgments killing any chance of compromise.</p>
<p>I have a sister with BPD. She is mid forties. Having to walk on egg shells as long as I can remember,I can walk away, her children/spouse have had a hellish life. She was diagnosed with cancer about 18 months ago, her entire world came to a screaching unraveling destruction.</p>
<p>After that occurring, I would definitely suggest keeping the actual stress level to an absolute minimum. What I have observed in the 40 so years of being her younger sibling, is ANY life stress, childbirth, illness, death of a parent, will exacerbate the situation almost to the point of inpatient treatment. A good therapist who “gets” the family dynamics can do wonders here. I found even as an adult sibling as well as my dad and brother “fed” into the spiral of behavior. We never confronted it, jsut side stepped it for peace.
Best of luck it is an extremely difficult disease to cope with.</p>
<p>To add, sister did go away to college, did fine, she had a good room mate, and again, if sisters life was not unduly stressed she did do well, it was outside events one has no control over that would make her become unhinged and out of control. She met a wonderful guy, although he has had it difficult it has worn him down (they are married 20 years) he has been a rock for her, but he gets her, can deflect alot to keep her in check.</p>
<p>I am wondering how and if your found “the right fit” ?
My daughter will graduate her therapeutic HS June 2013 and I don’t know how to figure out what the right fit looks like.<br>
Do any colleges in particular offer better supports (of what kind specifically, again, I don’t know what those would be) for borderlines?</p>
<p>You will probably get better advice if you start a new thread, this one is 4 years old.
But the first place I would start would be at her high school, I am not familiar with theraputic high schools.</p>
<p>Starbright- I know this thread is from 4 years ago, but your comment about your friend’s son sounds like my son, age 15. (Below, in case you do not recall writing it!)</p>
<p>Do you know the name of the therapeutic boarding school he went to? The “before” - have that. I want the “after!” Thank you.
WhatToDoWithThem</p>
<p>They never had a chance to have high expectations with him. Their dream for their child were more basic that anyone on CC: that he not kill himself, not kill someone else, and that he not end up in federal prison.</p>
<p>Around 15 he went to a special treatment facility for about a year or two- sorry I don’t have a clue what kind of therapy or approach it was. But after that he was a very different boy. He was off medication. He came back and completed his GED at 17. He enrolled in a vocational college and even successfully lived in the dorms without a conflict! He completed a trade program and did extremely well (had a perfect attendance, no behavioral issues). Now is living on his own, has a good job, a circle of friends, and by all appearances seems incredibly normal. His mom says he still has his moments but nothing remotely like before.</p>
<p>If you want to read a hopeful inspiring story about someone with BPD, read this New York Times article about Marsha Linahan, the psychologist who developed DBT. And hear her speak if you get a chance. She’s warm, funny, and incredibly empathetic</p>
<p>I have read some articles that suggest that the frequency of BPD is higher in males than originally considered, but I think that for the mostpart it is still considered more frequent in females than males. </p>
<p>Some literature suggests that men manifest symptoms differently as, for example, they do not as readily or openly directly express their abandonment fears, which makes the diagnosis more difficult due to the differential presentation of symptoms.</p>
<p>Prevalence
It is estimated that more than 14 million American adults, distributed equally between men and women, have BPD. It is more common than schizophrenia or bipolar disorder: an estimated 11% of outpatients, 20% of psychiatric inpatients and 6% of primary care visits meet the criteria for the disorder. Obtaining an accurate diagnosis can be difficult.</p>
<p>What do we know about men with BPD? The latest research shows that indeed the gender split is not 75% female, 25% male as is stated in the DSM-IV. The prevalence is nearly 50/50. We have a long way to go until we know how to diagnose and treat borderline men.</p>
<p>That psychology today thing is the pop psych article I was thinking about. The juried journals do not seem to have the same opinion. That is not a generally held concensus opinion amongst the professionals in the field as far as I understand from colleagues and experts in that area. No matter.</p>
<p>I am so happy I came across this thread as it gives me some hope and resources. Back in December, my D was hospitalized for severe depression. We have been riding a rollercoaster since then. She started meds that have been increasing slowly but I saw no improvement. She has a private therapist and she also goes to a group therapy session for kids her age. The therapist started noticing certain traits and thinks she has BPD. There were days, DH and I almost thought, this can’t be true, she is manipulating us. Then, just last week, she had another bad episode and now the therapist is almost certain BPD is the issue. </p>
<p>An intense DBT program has been recommended by her psychiatrist. However, the therapist thinks she might be better on the one on one as she seems to “copy” others’ situations and also feels the needs to help them. However, she needs to learn to focus on herself. So, we are still thinking about this.</p>
<p>College is also in the back of our minds. She has two years left in HS and wants to go away this summer to a one week program at a college she is looking at 3 hours away. I am a little uncertain about this. I am even thinking of cancelling our cruise vacation abroad that we had booked a year ago in anticipation of celebrating her birthday. I am thinking what if she has a bad reaction and she runs away on the ship or in a foreign port. Things I never thought about before. Yet, thinking back when she was little, she would sometimes wander away from us and suddenly reappear just as we were ready to panic. I wonder now, if she was testing us. </p>
<p>Anyhow, I am curious to see if the thread continues. I would like to hear more about DBT and how successful it could be. So far, it sounds like there is hope. Also, it seems that most parents want to keep them close to home and I can see why. This kid is so smart and has so much potential but I am really afraid to let her wander off too far.</p>
<p>Interesting note about DBT–the creator of DBT, Marsha Linehan, recently “came out” as having had BPD or at least very pronounced BPD traits into her twenties. This was a pretty big deal in the psych community both because DBT is considered the premiere treatment for BPD and an emerging, promising treatment for other disorders and because BPD has historically been heavily stigmatized in the psych community as being one of the most difficult populations to work with(so, not something you would generally expect a hugely successful psychologist to have a history of!).</p>
<p>There is someone in my extended family with BPD. Kudos to you who deal with this situation daily or frequently and keep a positive outlook on life. I am not one to allow someone to so disrupt my life and those around me that I am willing to walk around on eggshells constantly, but maybe I would feel differently if it was my child. The only way I can deal with the BPD relative in my family is to absolutely limit my contact with this person to a bare minimum. If I didn’t* have* to see this individual, I NEVER would, but as it is, I must concede to some contact. But I really don’t think I would be able to maintain a marriage with a person with this disorder. It’s not as scary to me as a person who is a sociopath, but it is such a frustrating, irritating, emotionally exhausting disorder, I think I would lose my sanity if I were married to such a person.</p>
<p>I looked back to read what I’d written about my family member on this thread, and was saddened to see that my outlook was more positive then than now. I continue to communicate with her because of her son, who is bearing the weight of one BPD parent, and one generally extremely irresponsible parent–the two of whom are at constant war. I do love the BPD person, but she exhausts me, when she’s in a middle of a crisis. It’s been quiet recently, but a few months ago we had to pick up the son to stay with us as he was destabilizing and mom couldn’t handle it. I wish her all good things, but my energy mostly goes to trying to be a life raft when necessary for her son, honestly.</p>
If she is BPD this girl is highly functioning as no one would have known it besides a roomie. </p>