<p>I had a friend withBPD or so I diagnosed her with it. I was so troubled by the relationship that bought the book walking on eggshells and it was so helpful. When stopped being friends with her she turned friends against me. That was painful, even when I got cancer they ignored it. She is very high functioning and intelligent and very adept at hiding it. She is also very charismatic, and fun. If I said anything no one believed me . This was mentioned in the book. Being friends with her turned into one of the most painful experiences in my life. but when it started to affect my kids I backed out. She had daughers the same age as mine, she was highly competative etc…
Reading this makes me wonder if a friend’s daughter has this, she is always causing fights, is very dramatic, my friend had to cancel plans with us because her daughter was out of control and demanding she come home. She refuses to take an SSRI because that is for crazy people and she is “not crazy” Ok so how does one bring this up?? I have many friends with kids and this kid is so extreme
Garland so identify with your level of fatique , kudos to you for hanging in there</p>
<p>DTE–thanks for the kudos. I have to caution you, though–BPD is a very particular disorder; be careful about diagnosing it as a lay person because of someone’s extreme and/or dramatic behavior. there are many histrionic, hard to deal with people who do not have this condition.</p>
<p>My family member is on several medications; it’s not something she has any real choice over as she’s barely in touch with reality without them.</p>
<p>Yes I agree, it was just a way to help me understand, it is what think but dont actually know. She fits so many of the symptoms. Doesnt matter and I dont spend time with her. I am pretty perceptive and I couldnt understand how I let myself into the situation. In my heart I believe she has it. But dont discuss it with anyone. years later my heart still hurts over the way I was treated.</p>
<p>Just saw this thread. My own D is struggling with anxiety and depression, and I think she has adopted many coping mechanisms from her father who I think is either BPD or NPD (narcissistic personality disorder). You’re either a friend or enemy; you’re either helping or killing him – there’s no in between. She has many of the same responses to life (along with the fragility/entitlement/drama queen behavior). OP – I’m glad your child is now out of his orbit.</p>
<p>I believe talk therapy and group therapy is a great resource. They can get feedback in a safe environment on how they’re coming across.</p>
<p>I had a BPD as a friend once. I disappointed her by not planning her 40th birthday party to her exacting standards (“why would I want to go out to a restaurant when I could get someone to have a party in their home?”) and her rage was volcanic. I’d never experienced anything like that. She has since dropped me as a friend. I feel lucky.</p>
<p>I’m by no means an expert, but in my family member’s case, though outside events can make her angry, it’s much more common for her anger to be directed at herself. I’ve never felt ‘rage’ at me, or at any family members. Borderline causes immense pain to the person who suffers from it (I believe the suicide rate is high). I try to remind myself of that when I’m dealing with her; no one would choose to feel that way 24/7.</p>
<p>garland–the anger can be inwardly directed, outwardly directed or both. Often a person can have anger and despair directed at self and fear of abandonment directed at others.</p>
<p>My SIL has BPD. I feel terrible for my brother and worry about the kids. She is either totally enthralled with someone or raging against them. She came from a dysfunctional family and was both afraid of her dad and neglected by her mom. I feel sad for her and try to be kind/forgiving/suppotive, but at the same time, she has destroyed my brother’s happiness, is a volatile mom, and dictates to him every aspect of life, including cutting him off from activities, friends, and family. She is estranged from every member of her own family, has sequential best friends that turn into enemies, and has had an all out war with every boss, landlord, neighbor, merchant, etc. that is in her life for more than a short time. As much as we love my brother/nephews, it is very hard to spend time with them (when she is allowing it). She resists therapy (will not accept anyone who encourages HER to make any changes/be accountable for her actions) and is not consistent with her meds. Thanks for listening to my vent. I will look into some of the resources above.</p>
<p>thanks, Bethie–as i said, I’m by no means an expert; I only have dealt with this one person. I think the fact that she rages more at herself than us is what keeps us from being totally turned off to her. That and the fact that her son needs stable family members in the picture. But yeah, the fear of abandonment in her is terrifyingly acute, which of course leads to some disastrous relationship scenarios.</p>
<p>The client I treated over the longest term (years) with BPD needed years of seeing me just to develop trust. Then she did DBT training and acquired great skills for managing her emotions. I think DBT would benefit anyone.</p>
<p>I have a family members with it, and well know that pain and chaos. A friend’s D was diagnosed, and has had great success with DBT. My friend took a workshop for families affected by BPD and emerged with some good skills that have helped her relationship with her D. One of the most important lessons-as these folks are constantly searching for a sense of self worth, anything that challenges that sense of self can be taken as a massive assault. They need extraordinary amounts of love and reassurance, which is not always easy when they act far less than loveable!</p>
<p>Reading Walking on Eggshells has been very therapeutic for me and my mom as we had years of feeling like the craziest family ever. </p>
<p>My family member with this disorder, with meds, with therapy, is miraculously far more emotionally functional now that she is older. After a lifetime of chaos, I am amazed.</p>
<p>A therapist can be very helpful because it’s easier for a therapist to be non-reactive than it is for a family member or for friends.</p>
<p>My family member claims her insurance doesn’t cover therapy, and she doesn’t have time between single parenthood and job. I think it would help her immensely. When she was younger, though, in the past before borderline was much recognized, I think she had some bad therapy experiences as a teen, where it was basically the therapist blaming her family, and once she’d manipulated the doc into believing that, she’d quit because she knew she’d BS’ed him. So it doesn’t seem to be in the picture now, though I think that newer therapies like DBT sound like they’d really help.</p>
<p>Part, if not all of DBT training occurs in a group. It is much harder to get away with BS in a group. The therapy is also less expensive because it’s in a group. There was a time in the 70s when psychotherapy leaned toward blaming the family, especially the mother, for problems. It was extremely unfortunate. There must be books on DBT that could introduce your family member to the concepts. I can certainly understand her not having time for much of anything, between single parenthood and a job! Lots of insurance doesn’t cover therapy.</p>
<p>^I shouldn’t have used the word “claims”. I don’t doubt that’s true. I will have to see if there’s a way to introduce a book, should an opening present itself.</p>
<p>I read something interesting the other day about dating and uncovering the fact that your BF/GF may have a PD. The expert mentioned the importance of dating someone for all 4 seasons before giving your heart (commitment) to that person. If you feel committed to that person too soon, you’ll “make excuses” or overlook some big red flags that will show up as you both experience the changing of seasons, holidays, etc that take place over a year’s time. </p>
<p>It’s rather easy for those with PDs to behave normally for a short time early in a relationship so that can fool people into falling in love with them, which can make it very hard to remove yourself from them (or even admit the seriousness of the problems) once the red flags appear. </p>
<p>My H has an in-law with a PD. Virtually anyone with an Axis II PD is going to be a difficult to live with. As for diagnosing which particular PD a person has, it’s almost irrelevant. Besides, a number of people have more than one PD…or they have the “Unspecified” PD because they exhibit symptoms across several PDs. </p>
<p>There are a number of PD traits that are shared by other PDs… anger, outbursts, low self-esteem, paranoia, impulsivity, depression, anxiety, suicidal, splitting, mood swings, unstable relationships, substance abuse, difficulty making friends, mistrust of others, etc. Of course there are some traits that are unique to 1-3 PDs specifically, but there is often so much overlap across several PDs, that a perfectly accurate dianosis can be difficult (especially since the patient isn’t often that forthcoming about his own behavior and can be very dishonest to his healthcare professional.</p>
<p>I know someone who first was Dx’d with Dependent PD because of dishonesty to the healthcare professional. The person had wrongly portrayed himself to be “nicest person” in the world, liked by everyone, easy-going, etc, and also wrongly claimed that his family/spouse treated him horribly and controlled every aspect of his life. The exact opposite was true. This person was narrow-minded, didn’t allow opposing view points to be voiced, had horrific outbursts, was abusive, paranoid, accusatory, etc. This person liked having others make “some” decisions for him (decisions that he didn’t care about …like picking the colors of bathroom towels, etc), but he wrongly portrayed the situation as one where he allowed others to always make decisions for him. Hence the initial wrong Dx. Once the HC professional became more aware of the truth, he was Dx’d with BPD with traits of NPD and Paranoia PD.</p>
<p>In terms of relationships, it’s often a whirlwind courtship where they sweep you off your feet and are charming and romantic and irresistible. I like the 4 season approach, mom2collegekids – this way you’d see them in all kinds of situations, not just over a candlelit dinner.</p>
<p>These people are very manipulative (I’m thinking of the NPDs). They don’t do well in therapy, because they are not able to be authentic or open, emotionally. They say what will get them attention and sympathy. It’s easy to be snowed by them.</p>
<p>My SIL absolutely snowed my brother. Also, got sympathy from him by blaming parents, siblings, cousins, bosses, neighbors, etc. for mistreating her. I know SIL was treated poorly by her parents, but the horrific relationships she had with every other person in her life should have been a HUGE red flag. Nothing is ever her responsibility; everybody mistreats her. When all her siblings said something to the effect of “I cannot believe XXXX found someone to marry her” at the wedding, I had no idea of the impending nightmare! My poor brother…</p>
<p>I want to remind people who are struggling with mental illness or who have family members who are to contact NAMI - the National Alliance on Mental Illness. They are a wonderful organization with lots of resources. They offer a free, 12-week course called “Family to Family Education.” It’s intense, like a college class. You get a huge binder that you fill with material by the end. They cover so many topics - causes, meds, treatments, problem-solving, ideas for integration into the community, etc. NAMI also has support groups in just about every city in the country. Their website is [NAMI:</a> National Alliance on Mental Illness - Mental Health Support, Education and Advocacy](<a href=“http://www.nami.org%5DNAMI:”>http://www.nami.org). You can type in your city/state to get more info.</p>
<p>Our son is still in the psychiatric hospital. This is his 10th day. He was catatonic part of Friday and then part of Saturday. We were able to bring him out of it each time, but it took hours. He was better yesterday - even got up and showered and took a short walk down the hall. He has lost 20 pounds, and he wasn’t overweight to start with. Even though he was better physically yesterday, he is still very psychotic. For the last week and a half, he has thought he will be going up to heaven at any time. He’s not suicidal - just thinks that God is coming for him. He was telling me yesterday that the reason it hasn’t happened yet is that God has been running simulations to get ready for the big event. DS thinks he controls his movement towards heaven with his eyes, and he just needs more practice. He said during one attempt, he got hung up at a checkpoint. Last week, he was explaining that God’s “team of engineers” are hard at work on this. ACK! The doctors are trying different meds. I am really exhausted at this point. Fortunately, we have a lot of support from friends and our church. People are bringing over meals each night! </p>
<p>He was doing well in his classes at our local university, but I guess he’ll have to withdraw. The school has been wonderful - they will refund the tuition if he does withdraw. The chaplain said she’ll do anything she can to help him.</p>
<p>I think he will be OK, but it’s taking a lot of work! The hospital nurses said that a lot of people there have NO support. </p>
<p>Severe mental illness is more common that I realized. This weekend, another young man who attends our church was admitted to the same floor that my son is on. In a weird coincidence, they gave him the room that our son was in, before he was moved to a private room!</p>
<p>ML, I’m keeping you and your son in my thoughts. Thank you for sharing your suggestions for resources, and his story, with us - they will help many others. Sincere prayers for his continued recovery.</p>
<p>MaineLonghorn, sending healing thoughts your way. So glad you have local support! As you say, NAMI is a wonderful organization and yes, the college-age years are the most common time for major mental illnesses to emerge. I think your son will be ok too, but it can take a lot of trial and error to find the right med, or more commonly, combination of meds to get the situation under control. Best wishes as you support him through this stressful time.</p>