<p>Tell me if this is weird.
Next week I will be meeting my daughters very young nieces and nephew, at her wedding party ( 4yr, 2yr & 6mo)
They will have flown from the east coast and are staying for a couple weeks ( they are arriving today)
I have many toys & books from when the kids were little, and since we are driving down, I was planning on bringing a small bag of age appropriate toys & books for them to play with, thinking that by that point their parents will be wishing that there was something new. My daughter doesnt think its necessary. ( her experience with kids is with much older kids- except when she sees these actual kids of course, she was celebrating Christmas with them when the youngest one was born)</p>
<p>I wasnt going to push it on them, I was just going to mention it.( but I will offhandly mention it to her first)
Is that creepy or thoughtful? ( & its fine if they keep anything) </p>
<p>I also need moral support. Im going to be seeing older D this Saturday, when she comes up for her sisters graduation, and outside of one very brief phone call, I havent heard or seen her for 1&1/2 yrs.
Im a little nervous. Its also the 39th anniversary of my fathers death on Fathers Day , so this weekend is always emotional for me anyway, also because our 33rd wedding anniv is Friday,( yay!) and Monday is the 33rd anniv of my 2nd trimester miscarriage, as well as the 20th birthday of our family dog who died almost 4 yrs ago.
Plus I hear its a full moon. </p>
<p>Still on the flip side, the weather should be managable and Ive been feeling pretty good lately and looking forward to celebrating our anniv. ( some years we forget!) :"> </p>
<p>Emerald-- I don’t have much wisdom, but I want to congratulate you on your 33rd wedding anniversary and offer you my moral support. You are so very kind and thoughtful and I pray your children will mature enough soon to see and appreciate your many wonderful qualities. Someone once advised me to recognize that all happy occasions are always tinged with some sadness. I have always drawn deep comfort from this. Take care and let us know how things go!</p>
<p>I think it is so very thoughtful to consider distracting these visiting children.
I feel funny about giving away your children’s things to these ‘not really’ relatives.
Might you bring bubbles or light up toys in your purse to use to entertain the young ones. </p>
<p>It wont be like there isnt still a TON of stuff in the basement.
The things were also older daughters, ( who is now 32 & married) and they ARE her relatives. ( if only they were big enough for Beanies! )
I also didnt want to buy anything, even bubbles, cause that did seem weird, but sharing things someone else could use, I thought they might appreciate.
My younger daughter has been pushing for me to clean out the basement of things we never use and this would be just a tiny step.( although I am better at getting rid of clothes)</p>
<p>Isn’t this quote from peacefulmom the truth.</p>
<p>" Someone once advised me to recognize that all happy occasions are always tinged with some sadness."</p>
<p>My 2 cents: For this weekend TELL your husband you NEED his extra support.Tell him your concerns and ask for some extra attention from him. Tell him, tell him, tell him. " Don’t leave me out of conversations, help me if I get too emotional with older daughter etc. " Spell it out for him. “DO NOT LEAVE ME ALONE on this. I NEED YOUR SUPPORT.” </p>
<p>Then have a great time at the graduation and be yourself. You are a kind and thoughtful woman.</p>
<p>On the books and toys: Again you are a very thoughtful, caring person. It is wonderful of you to think of them. Be yourself. </p>
<p>Cleanning basement is my dream, but my H. will not go with it. I wish I can go there, and pitch most of it. I doubt that it ever will happen.
There is nothing unusual in anything of these, just normal life with normal circumstances, I am confused if there is any issue with anything? Generally speaking, I do not give anything to my own grandchildren (the oldest one is in HS, but that is how it is always been) without permission of my S. AND his wife. I will not give anything to my S and my DIL either without consulting them. No surprises, even from the trips abroad. Asking permission is a must. I ask for permission if I want to help my grandD. to clean her room. Sometime I get a permission and many times I do not, but it is not an emotional issue, it is just normal family interactions. BTW, we had the best time cleanning GrandD’s room together, but it took several days to receive a permission, I was patient and it paid off. Few days later when I call and asked if room was devasted again, GrandD. said: “of Course”, we just lughed, I do not think that she will forget the cleanning thoug, was lots of fun.</p>
<p>Oh I have- Ive spoken to him already about it, because he listens much better when we are still at home.
His parents are coming up Saturday, & we are all planning to go out to dinner after. (& im with you on no drinking, absolutely no more than one anyway)
H is also in charge of the dog.
Younger Ds boyfriend is going to be there after all ( I didnt expect him since his sisters graduation is the day before at the opposite end of the state & he is going to be joining us next week for the wedding party, but he is very devoted) and he is the prototype for nice young men and a good influence on H!
I think the main thing I have to do, is breathe.
To help me remember to relax, I bought a new pair of converse and decorated them with positive affirmations, in colors to match a new top to wear with my jeans.
My youngest will get a kick out of it, and Ive found just reading them reminds me.</p>
<p>I would definitely pack a “kids bag” and take it with you if it is an easy thing to do… I think it sounds fun. But use it on an “as needed” basis. Don’t force it on anyone. It’s only about the kids.
It’s a wedding party–right? The kid’s parents have probably thought about entertainment for their kids for down times. So your D is right–not necessary. But–hey, it still might be fun and unexpected. Just take it for what it will be–unexpected entertainment for a short time for the kids.</p>
<p>I don’t post often here any more, but I have seen your posts on your relationship with your daughter. This relationship is still very touchy and raw. You’ve asked your D’s opinion, and she said “not necessary.” I view that as a polite way of telling you “No.” She’s trying to not hurt you with a flat out no I suspect. Respect her wishes as I don’t see the need to do otherwise. It’s a beautiful gesture though. </p>
<p>I agree with rrah. While it is a lovely thought, I would follow your D’s lead and skip it. This is a chance for a new start, err on the side of caution. Proceed slowly and allow the relationship with your D to warm. It’s ok to be a little nervous. Remember, you D is probably also nervous. Enjoy the events of the next few weekends. </p>
<p>I agree that starting fresh, cautiously would be my inclination as well, Under ordinary circumstances, most folks would LOVE your gesture, but considering how touchy things have been with your Ds, I’d follow their lead and respect their suggestions. "Not necessary can easily be their polite code for, “No.” Good luck with the next few weeks. It is certainly a special time and an opportunity to perhaps start afresh. It should be interesting.</p>
<p>I scrolled through my texts to double check Ds wording and what she actually said was, she assumed the parents of the kids had that covered and she wasn’t going to bother.
So, my impression that she told me not to, wasn’t actually accurate.
But I will see how this weekend goes first.
We are coming home in between even if younger D isn’t.</p>
<p>I agree with HImom and rrah and my-3-sons. Err on the side of caution. The kids are not your responsibility, and not your relations. Your daughter told you that it is “not necessary”, which can indeed be a polite way of saying “don’t”. </p>
<p>The party is about your daughter, and you should be on the periphery. Your relationship is tenuous. Try not to do anything that would upset her, or make you the center of attention.</p>
<p>It is a nice idea, but re-establishing a healthy relationship with your daughter is more important.</p>
<p>I realize im on the periphery. Weve been told that they dont need us to bring anything, but maybe a blanket to sit on.
I know I used to like sitting on the ground, but even before I had a knee replacement, I couldnt get up and down very well.
Maybe that is her hint that the party is really for the 40 & under yr olds!
Ill take the hint!</p>
<p>If you need to sit on a small folding chair so you can get up and down, I’m sure that would also work. Perhaps you could bring along a blanket and small folding chair or stool and keep it in the car so it is handy if needed (but don’t bring it out if it appears awkward to do so).</p>
<p>I’m sure it’s tough for you to have to figure out “hints,” but it seems safer to err on the side of more casual and letting them take the lead until they invite you to do more. People prefer leading in dancing and relationships than being lead or dragged. I know you don’t mean to but young people can be very touchy and balky–given time and space they tend to improve, in our experience.</p>
<p>I know.
Its just she isnt even that young. Shes the same age I was when I had her sister & they are 8 years apart.
I dont think she realizes that if I made mistakes with her, it was because I was very young and I was pretty much without guidance or much support.
But my husband tells me that they have hired a friend to watch the kids at the party, so that is a different situation than their parents trying to socialize and watch their kids at the same time.
He also tells me that there will be tables and even chairs!
So im happy to be saved the indignity of trying to get up from the ground without putting weight on my knee.
:)</p>
<p>DS won’t allow us to give away his stuff. Last time he was home, he knew he was to be at our old house the last time before we moved. He specifically asked us to bring certain things (which I think he will never need) to our new place. He even brought something with him to his small dorm room.</p>
<p>My point is that you may never know whether some seeminly unimportant thing has some special “sentimental value” to her. Also, the son/daughter, more often than not, likes to complain that we as parents do not want to really listen to him/her.</p>
<p>I am glad that you are getting bits of information that will help you be more comfortable and look forward to this event with more joy and less trepidation. It’s great that there will be someone hired to watch the children and that there will be tables and chairs for seating. That is very considerate of older bodies that don’t easily sit on hard surfaces.</p>
<p>It’s hard to understand when people choose not to be forgiving of some mistakes we made in youth, especially when we know we did our best and were young. A lot of times, it can take longer for loved ones to process things that we wish, but really time is sometimes the best solution. Many young people learn a great deal once they become parents and make their own mistakes (or are heavily involved in the lives of kids and recognize that there is a lot of grey instead of black & white).</p>
<p>It sounds like your Ds are making progress in their relationship with you. I am thinking warm and loving thoughts that all of you can have a closer relationship that works for each of you. Please continue being a patient as you can and work with your therapist to remain your positive self.</p>
<p>I think the title of your thread is telling. YOur relationship with your daughter has been challenging, and the desire to be closer to her, and to young ones is understandable. But since your younger daus graduation and the upcoming marriage reception are the first opportunities in a long time to have a good experience, it might be helpful to focus on what might help to leave her with a good feeling. Thats key to seeing if the relationship can improve. If she has positive feelings from these interactions, things may continue to improve. If a turtle is coaxed gently out of its shell with food, it may continue to come out. But if it feels uncomfortable it will go back in its shell.</p>
<p>Emerald, do mover slowly and carefully in that situation. However, I can tell you that I am happily taking my young niece and nephew for a couple of weeks this summer. Took my nephew for two weeks last summer, but my brother stuck around for the first week. Had them both for a few days in January, and my SIL and brother, along with the kids have come around now to letting me have them for this length of time. Partly because my brother went back to work and child care is expensive there. I am thrilled beyond words to have them, and would take them all summer even. </p>
<p>But just packing a fun bag for the kids seems to be fine with me. </p>
<p>I’m in no hurry for grandchildren, but yes, I’m having some fun with my friends’ grandchildren and my nieces and nephews right now. In fact, grandchildren might end up being more of burden and pain than these since involvement is all the more limited, and I’ll be so much older by the time I have grands.</p>
, so this weekend is always emotional for me anyway, also because our 33rd wedding anniv is Friday,( yay!) and Monday is the 33rd anniv of my 2nd trimester miscarriage, as well as the 20th birthday of our family dog who died almost 4 yrs ago.
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