Breaking the high-achieving kid addiction

Parents Forum
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<p>As some of you know, I have 2 kids. D is off to Princeton in the fall. S is a freshman. D ate high school for breakfast without breaking a sweat. S does very well grade-wise, but otherwise is recreational - plays soccer, plays in the school band. He is what I would call happily average in his ECs. D was a star ballerina, editor of school paper, lead in plays, etc… </p>

<p>This thread is me standing up in a 12-step meeting to keep myself on track. I’m trying to kick my addiction to having a high-performing kid - particularly the addiction to the love of any attention the high performance brings me vs. any benefits it brings to my kids. For example, if his grades were to slip that would do him harm and I would step in.</p>

<p>Anyway.</p>

<p>Had the end-of-year band concert. S’s band is just awful. And he is no better than the others. He only started this instrument this year. And it shows. The background here is that as a young boy the piano teacher he had for a while told us he was the most musically gifted kid she had seen in 30 years of teaching:). Then he quit piano because he hates to be taught unless the person teaching him is perfect. We let him quit - his joy in music had dissipated over the course of the 2 years he took lessons. The joy is back. His playing is awful - but music is now his favorite class.</p>

<p>I have vowed to leave him be. And this thread is just a safeguard. I will not ask him to take lessons outside of school. I will just let him play, never practicing, enjoying the heck out of class, and making us all laugh after the concert talking about how awful it was.</p>

<p>How can I kick my addiction? I confess. I imagine his college essay will be an hysterical and creative discussion of the joys of playing something badly in a terrible band with your friends. Hey, if it keeps me from badgering the kid, what harm caused by that little exercise of fancy:)? </p>

<p>And I have internalized that HYPS are not required. So keep me honest you all over the next few years, huh?</p>

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<p>Alu,</p>

<p>I know if I were an adcom I would love reading an essay like this. It shows would show the depth of his passion even though you already know that you will not be the best at it but you keep chugging along any way. It’s really okay to do something just for the joy of it. The world needs more people like your son.</p>

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<p>Alumother, I am right there with you at the 12 step meeting. S1 is off to Crapshoot U. S2 is busy playing with the GameCube and working on his web page (while earning very respectable grades). He also quit piano ten years ago, but is back at it, just playing for the joy of it. Feel free to PM me if you ever need moral support.</p>

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<p>Alumother, my daughter is off piano lesson for more than 2 years now. I’m waiting for the passion to return(lol). She does play occasionally but not as often as we would have hope for.</p>

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<p>Heck Alu, we will be here to support you but I don’t know how much help I’ll be. D is an only and I have enjoyed this high achievement ride sooo much, I’m trying to teach the poodle to read.</p>

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<p>Alumother, in a weird sort of way, having your d at Princeton is going to be a big help. With the new grading policy whereby only 35 percent of grades are A-range and some classes have more like 20 percent, the faculty has decided to achieve this by creating very difficult exams that are easy to curve. It’s not unusual for a 50 on an exam to end up being an A-. In one of the premed courses that was already known as very tough, the median grade was 15 points lower on this year’s midterm than on last year’s. Therefore the kids who “ate high school for breakfast” (including those from top magnet and prep schools and those who got straight 5’s on their APs) are recognizing they need to study very hard and discovering that they can’t do every EC in which they are talented – as so many of them are – have a social life, and still do well in their courses. The EC gap between your two kids is going to narrow as your d becomes more focused and is more challenged. I don’t mean to scare you or sound like Chicken Little here. Kids who apply themselves are doing well, but it’s not high school.</p>

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<p>Alumother, I’ll be there with you. Son will be starting high school in the fall. He is nothing like my daughter, who is “in-your-face” smart. I really don’t know what to expect from him, so I get a lot of surprises (he’s started reading how to write science fiction books). I’m considering enrolling in a course on grunt interpretation.</p>

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<p>Alumother I’ll happily help to keep you honest. I had the same situation in reverse, with s#2 the motivated, self starter who would happily practice classical music hours every day in addition to his other activities at school. We derived much joy from his various successes.</p>

<p>S#1 played cello in the school honors orchestra but by junior year he had hooked his beautiful cello up to an electric amp, attached a strap to it and was playing it standing up in a crazy school jazz band. He was definitely one of a kind.
For most of high school he’d come home with average grades and say it didn’t matter what his grades were because he was only learning for ‘learning’s sake’ and he didn’t want any pressure from anyone to get better grades. Then after he got into college ED, he didn’t work especially hard either, only then his reasoning was that he had worked hard in school for 12 years and deserved some slacking off time.<br>
Fortunately I learned early on that we were both much better off if I respected his individuality and let him do his thing.</p>

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<p>Me, too, Alu! S2 is very intelligent, but gets A- to B- grades, does fine on standardized tests but is only lackluster in subject like math and science which hold no interest for him. In fact, next year he definitely plans to take NO math or science. Bye bye hardest possible curriculum. After helping two very high-achieving kids go through this process, I am really looking forward to seeing what is really available for a talented, sorta quirky, will be only and exactly who he is kinda kid! Welcome to our 12 step program!</p>

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<p>Ah yes, D1 was always the academic child, 1360 SAT I at 12 and community college classes at 13, you mostly just stayed out of the way. D2 (hs freshman) is the people person, we often referred to them as the noun and the verb, the active verb. D2 is also the athlete, and gifted pianist, but never reads for pleasure. She is getting all A’s this semester, something she is vey proud of, after getting A’s to B-'s last semester, but she has no interest in taking AP or Honors classes next year. It is a whole different experience, especially since she HAD to go to high school after homeschooling through 8th grade.</p>

<p>We had a similar experience with piano, D2 is extremely gifted, but did not like to perform, and wanted to play the music that interested her not necessarily what her teachers wanted her to play. Her teacher was pushing to have her enter competitions, do auditions etc. She wanted to quit, often followed by a request to go to the music store to buy new music. She and her teacher fired each other and after interviewing other possible teachers we agreed to let her not take lessons for awhile. For the last year and half she and her dad, (who does not play piano, but knows alot about music) sit down once a week to critique what she is working on, and set goals for her practice. In that time she has done 2 full solo recitals, and has gotten into an International Piano Festival in NYC. She no longer talks about quitting and is planning her next recital. Another case of, “I’m doing it my way, or I’m not doing it at all”.
I guess it is another case of staying out of her way!!</p>

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<p>Mini, I was going to say “I’m glad to hear you have one, too.”<br>
Until I got to the part about the Piano Festival . . .</p>

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<p>Alumother - With S being my only, you’d think I have no practice in weaning myself from “high-performing kid” syndrome. But I had to deal with a related disease, the it-was-always-someone-else’s kid syndrome. </p>

<p>My S could have been the mega-award kid with more dedication. But that just wasn’t him. He just wouldn’t go that extra step. Grrr. While your D was “eating hs for breakfast” and winning the awards of the highest achiever, my S was also “eating hs for breakfast” but coming in just that slight notch below. </p>

<p>He sounds quite a bit like your S (great grades but - of course - #11 in a class where the top 10 get the notice) and an EC “participant” (plays soccer but no star, in the bands but no star).</p>

<p>And, in some instances, he felt the pain of coming in “second best” (not making Jazz Band I that first year, etc.). But he is a great, great kid despite and because of how he is. He knows how to handle disappointment - a truly valuable life skill. And he pursues what he pursues for the intrinsic value to him, without ever expecting extrinsic rewards. </p>

<p>His college outcome was stupendous - big merit scholarhip (but not to HYPS; repeat after me “HYPS are not required, HYPS are not required…” - I know you’ve got that one down). The whole college search process is perhaps even more fun at this level - you really are matching schools to the kid more than trying to figure out what will get the kid into the school and waiting for the lottery numbers to be called.</p>

<p>I don’t think I’ve worded any of this quite right. But I will join everyone in keeping you on the path, although I’m not sure you need our help: remember, you have set many of us on “the path” with several of your insightful posts about what you’d do differently etc. Now, since my S is out of the nest in September, does that mean I’ve completed the 12 steps? :confused:</p>

<p>btw, S gave up his instrument for ca. 2 years also, but the passion came back big time when he left him alone about it. His rock band is the toast of the high school - always wins the Battle of the Bands in spirit week, etc… Doesn’t mean diddly-squat on college apps, but it creates the gleam in his eye. :)</p>

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<p>Usually the kid will break you of the addiction. It is frustrating, however, to have a very talented, very bright kid whose beat is not the one in time with to get in step for the top schools. Sometimes they surprise you, however, by taking their own path. </p>

<p>I find myself looking at a number of colleges for one of my little guys that I think will be much more suited to a relaxed atmosphere, not quite as selective, but good academics. Some of the southern and midwestern schools have made my list. As the names of less known schools become more familiar, it is easier to look at them as possibilities. For most of us, it is tough to just pick a college out of the blue. </p>

<p>From reading your posts, you seem to have a good handle on your son. He is lucky to have a mom like you, and I don’t think you are so addicted. It’s just the idea of looking into the more unfamiliar terrain. I always say that cherry picking the top schools onto a list is the easy part. The difficult part is researching lesser known options. That takes work, and it is difficult to get the momentum to do that.</p>

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<p>Alum, I stepped off the bandwagon when I realized that neither of my children is likely to be a “superstar” in the traditional sense. But they’re both darn good kids, have their own wonderful talents, and no doubt have interesting lives ahead of them. That’s enough to make me a happy and proud mom. :)</p>

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<p>Alumother, I’ll join you for a meeting in person at Frist. I’ll be the one passing out the cookies. I’ve always tried to think of my high acheiving kids as normal, so that they’d keep their feet planted on the ground, which they have. However, I now have a very distorted view of what is normal. I fear that I too am addicted to their accomplishments, and the more they do, the more I take it for granted. You’re not alone, and thanks for pointing this out. Maybe we can all help each other stay on the straight and narrow!</p>

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<p>I read a editorial piece in yesterday’s Sunday Globe relating a story about a dad who tried to tell his 15 year old son how to dress. The son’s goodnatured reply was “ego boundaries, Dad.” I think that is a great way to think of things before we say them, or even think them, to our kids. Imagine if we all had a better grip on our ego boundaries and the impact that would likely have on our kids especially the more “average” ones becoming who they are meant to be and taking greater responsibility for themselves.</p>

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<p>Ha, I am still telling my kids how to dress. Sometimes I even insist–shirt with a collar, no rips or stains, no sweats. The good news was that my kids did not care much about clothes so that the budget was low, low, low for that. Most of what I have are give aways, and I rarely buy new except on sale. The bad news is that they did not care much about clothes so that they often do not dress appropriately. Sweats on a hot day or when we are going somewhere that reasonably good clothes are in order, or mismatches. I don’t know how my son and nephew are getting by now as far as attire goes.</p>

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<p>What I wonder is, why do they wear flip flops everywhere? How can they possibly find those things comfortable? :confused:</p>

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<p>Alumother - Please count me in!!! I have to keep reminding myself…it’s not my life, it’s their life…and then I realize too, that maybe I need to be sure that I have a life of my own - not based on the successes of my kids.
My 2 ds, who are 2 years apart and very good friends, have developed a theory in which they postulate that the older sibling is more of a high achiever. I told my younger d (only partly in jest) that I thought she was just using that excuse to not work to her potential since she tends to just what is neccessary to get by.</p>

<p>Friends have told me that once the high achieving older child is away at college, the younger sibling tends to come into their own. I think I’ll just stand back and watch the process unfold.</p>

<p>FWIW - I also have to keep reminding myself that my h did 2 years at community college then transfered - and has become very successful in his chosen field. Of course, the fact that he is charming and personable certainly helps :slight_smile: </p>

<p>I appreciate everyone’s honesty about their kids. I was beginning to think I had the only average (but superstars in my eyes) kids on the boards!</p>

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<p>1moremom, fireflyscout, jmmom, carolyn, momof3, andi - well now we are all in the same basket. If they had a parade for these kinds of kids, kind of like the Gay Pride parade here in SF, then maybe we could march in support of our sons and daughters…I am thinking of what the banner should be. And for those of us with one of each, I wonder if the addiction is worse when it’s kid1 or kid2 who breaks us of the addiction.</p>

<p>Jamimom, as always, thanks for the wise words. I look forward to finding the right school for my son, whatever it will be. </p>

<p>Curmudgeon - you go right ahead. This addiction is only harmful when the kid resists. From the sound of your D she is also eating high school for breakfast. And mini, sorry, your D2 is still high achieving:) Cookiemom, I will meet you at Frist but I will probably have to leave early to go fly to see my son somewhere else…maybe aparent5 can join us there.</p>