<p>I think it’s so hard for both parties. Both of my kids in the same age range have been in committed relationships for a couple of years. I know the women are looking towards marriage and I have no idea how the men feel (even though one is my S lol!).</p>
<p>I think it’s hard for the girls in that at this age because it seems like they are going to weddings of their peers. Add that to all of the wedding shows on now and they have this expectation. </p>
<p>I have one kid in the Midwest and one on the east coast. I will say that the Midwest kid goes to more weddings and thinks more about a wedding than the one on the east coast. Who (thankfully) doesn’t even want to live with her boyfriend or even think of marriage. She’s with the person she wants to be with but marriage is in the far off future.</p>
<p>I am about to be 24, my fiance 29. We are both ready and excited to get married, but I did get geared up for it a bit sooner than he did… there were a lot of reasons for that. We are constantly laughing about how much farther ahead I am always thinking than him. For example, I know if we get married in the next year there’s a good chance my grandparents will be alive to attend our wedding, and if we wait much longer than that there is a solid risk at least one of them won’t be there. It has also occurred to me that we have already waited so long that our childrens grandparents will be lucky to even make it to their high school graduation, much less college or their wedding. I think of these things, and I think of how early my family seems to start to lose their fertility, and I feel pressure that would never occur to him.</p>
<p>I do think it’s healthy and important for couples to recognize when they are not on the same page. That is one of the reasons I left my serious college boyfriend shortly after graduation, after almost four years together. I was ready to settle down and get married, just being “committed” wasn’t enough for me for another five years, and he wasn’t ready and wouldn’t be for the foreseeable future. Waiting until I am 35 to grow up was not the life I wanted for myself and that was all he had to offer, so he wasn’t the one. It worked out better for everybody involved that we broke up. We were both engaged to people we were better suited for within a year. This experience was part of my transformation into an adult, I had to choose the life I wanted for myself.</p>
<p>I think if your S was able to walk away, she wasn’t the one. The right woman will walk into his life when he is ready, and I think you could be surprised how quickly that transformation can take place when the time is right-- it certainly did for my fiance. When the timing isn’t right, I don’t think there is anything that can make up for that.</p>
<p>Or worse yet after there’s a baby (or more) in the picture. I see no reason why 25 and 26 year olds “should be” prepping for marriage before they have met some of the goals that are important to them as individuals. It certainly doesn’t get easier to do that later on. I had my kids at 34 and 37. There is time.</p>
<p>The issue of timing has been brought up. For some 25 and 26 year olds, the timing may seem right . I’ve been surprised at the number of older son’s friends in the 25-27 year old age range that seem to be getting engaged. A couple of his good friends got married last year. Nothing wrong with waiting either if that seems right and of course many of his friends are also still single. It’s an individual choice.</p>
<p>My husband and I started dating when we were 20. We broke up after 4 years mostly because he wasn’t ready for marriage. Four months later he had a change of heart. We got married at 25 and have been married almost 26 years. </p>
<p>My sons haven’t had any GF’s (so far that we know of), our oldest is 18. But I can understand how hard it is for a parent to watch their child go through a painful time in their life. Your son made the decision that was right for him. Maybe he just needs some time apart to realize the GF is the correct one or perhaps the correct one is just around the corner.</p>
<p>Sorry to hear of your sadness. Sounds like this wasn’t the right girl for him. He will find someone who he can’t live without!</p>
<p>Both of my girls were engaged at the end of their senior years in college. D2 just a few weeks ago! Was a bit surprised by that one one as fiancee has another year of college and D2 has a year of grad school. Everyone has been teasing fiancee that he was afraid D2 would be scooped up by someone in the working world. Of course they have been dating for four years.</p>
<p>BTDT! My daughter (25) has had 2 “serious” breakups since starting college. Both cases I got somewhat attached to the guys, even though I didn’t think they were totally compatible! Now we’re on relationship #3, and I was reluctant to meet him. I figured I could just wait this one out. All she told us was “you can’t meet him, yet. He’s blank (not our political “persuasion”), etc, etc” . But we met him. We love him. They are perfect together. It does happen!</p>
<p>I am a firm believer in fate and timing. Both people have to feel it is right at the time they make the commitment for it to work. The person that you may marry when you are 24-25 is probably not the person you would marry at 30 or 35…if I had me my husband when I was 25 I may have not even accepted a date because I was more interested in fun at that point than looking for qualities that would withstand the test of time.</p>
<p>Two of my sisters were married right out of college and have been married for 39 and 37 years. I waited a bit longer, but have been married 25. Of course both people have to feel it is right, but it is very hard to pour energy into a multi-year relationship only to discover that the person you were hoping to spend the rest of your life with doesn’t feel the same way about you. My 23 year old D has been with her boyfriend for 3 years. She plans to go to grad school eventually and likes to travel, but I don’t expect she will break up with him to do those things. They are already living together and in no rush to get married.</p>
<p>VaBluebird in the three years they have dated did you ever think they seemed to be passionately in love? On a scale of 1 to 10 with Romeo and Juliet/Heliose and Abelard at a 10, where would you place their relationship (by your own observations)?</p>
<p>My ex and I broke up because he didn’t want to be tied down so young. A few years later and I’m engaged to someone who is ready for all that stuff. Things work out </p>
<p>Kuddos to your son for being honest with both himself and her and not stringing her along. And yes, that’s what it would be if he knew he wasn’t ready for those things and she was waiting for a ring. He’ll find someone that fits in with his goals and so will she. :)</p>
<p>VAB, sorry for your hurt. I would hurt too. But better that they resolve things rather than just letting it go on without a plan. The GF was right to bring out expectations into the open rather than waiting forever. We married right out of college, and those years BC were nice, and gave us plenty of time to work out any differences we had. I can’t quite get it why people (often men) dread making the commitment, unless it really is a situation of being with the wrong person too long, and being afraid to break it off.</p>
<p>^ Just a thought, but maybe it’s because so many of us have had parents divorce that my generation is really leery of it. IME, those of us with parents who have had long, stable marriages tend to get married younger than those who come from divorced parents.</p>
<p>There’s also a maturity difference, which some posters mentioned. Usually men don’t want to be “tied down” to one person so early. It’s easier to break up than it is to divorce.</p>
<p>Women my age (college-aged) and into the mid-late twenties like/date older men because they are usually ready for the commitment more so than guys our own age. I remember back at school, my girl friends and I would talk about dating older guys (like seniors or first yr grad students) and our same-age guy friends would get angry. But on the same token they admit they don’t want the level of commitment that we want, however they’re still upset that we are attracted to men a few years older than us.</p>
<p>I also agree with romani. I have a single parent, and my expectations and standards for dating someone are more rigid than the people I know who’s parents have been married for a long time. Due to the fact that we see the close up of another side of the marriage/long term commitment situation that friends with married parents don’t see like we do.</p>
<p>I’m sorry you are sad to see her go, but glad for your son’s sake he’s relieved.</p>
<p>the ex will be fine. I’ve seen this before. The girl goes on to find the right person in no time. </p>
<p>I have two daughters. One just graduated college and is engaged to a young man her age. He is crazy about her and can’t imagine he would even want to spend his life without her. Every girl deserves this. She wanted to wait, but he asked and asked and she finally said yes. She’s very happy.</p>
<p>That’s how it should be. </p>
<p>Your son will be ready for that some day. Or not. But, he did her a favor by letting her go so she could find the guy who thinks she’s the only one.</p>
<p>VaBluebird in the three years they have dated did you ever think they seemed to be passionately in love? On a scale of 1 to 10 with Romeo and Juliet/Heliose and Abelard at a 10, where would you place their relationship (by your own observations)? >>>>></p>
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<li>Maybe. I honestly never thought she was the one. She’s a fine person,I liked her well enough, but I just never felt that “can’t imagine life without you” radiating off them.</li>
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<p>Its hard to see our kids in pain, and its hard to lose someone you were close to. Doubly tough. </p>
<p>We also adore our older s’s GF. They’ve been together for about 2 1/2 years. They seem comfortable with their arrangement, though we all wonder when it will go to the next step. I have my theories, but will save til I know for sure.</p>
<p>Everyone’s different. My H and I started dating at 18, and almost immediataely he knew he wanted to marry me. We got married at 23, after college.</p>
<p>My just married D and her H met when they were 22 and 23, but didn’t get married till 30/31, though they were living together and bought a house last year. I guess the houe convinced them they were pretty committed! :D</p>
<p>Of her group of 7 friends from college who are all about 30 now, one got married 2 years ago, and 3 are getting married this summer. I do think that 30ish seems to be when the bell starts tolling. I know D didn’t want to wait too much longer to have kids; having had very young parents, waiting till over 30 seems older to her. Though we were clearly outliers.</p>
Of course they have been dating for four years.</p>
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