<p>I was out of town for about a month and he was gone for a lot of the month as well. In the meantime, his grandfather died. We decided to wait until we came back to deal with the issues. Then, we had a few discussions but never got anywhere. As we left it, we’re single. But hurting and definitely not over each other. The more we talk, the more our goodwill evaporates and the more we seem to hurt each other.</p>
<p>I realize that there were a lot of problems in our relationship that I would really like to resolve before we get together again – patterns of communication, ways I treated him, ways he treated me. He does not forgive me for the immediate reason we broke up, even though I apologized and I think I have learned my lesson. </p>
<p>At this point, though, I don’t think he wants to get back together with me. He’s planned an international trip with his family that I was supposed to go on – but now am not invited. </p>
<p>I feel terrible. I don’t know whether to get back together or not. I feel terrible about not being a good girlfriend and not making him happy. I don’t know if he wants me back, or might if I did and said all the right things. I don’t know if I want to try that hard. I don’t know if I should want to try that hard.</p>
<p>I’m in a lot of pain. </p>
<p>Any suggestions from the wise, well-relationshipped parents of the board?</p>
<p>Remembering what it was like to go through break-ups, my advice is to break off communication for at least a few months. Both of your feelings now are too raw to resolve any issues. </p>
<p>It may be that after taking time off, the two of you eventually will become romantically involved again. It may be that after taking time off, you’ll decide that you’ll just be friends – simply friends, not friends with benefits, which usually is a recipe for disaster. It may be that time off will let both of you know that it’s best to go your separate ways.</p>
<p>If it ends up that you don’t get back together, keep in mind that very few people establish permanent relationships with their romantic partners from high school and early college years. There may be very deep love, but most people don’t have the self knowledge or the knowledge about life in general then to help them choose and stay with a life partner. </p>
<p>Yes it’s painful to have a broken heart – something that I’m sure that virtually all of the parents on this board have experienced. Fortunately, hearts heal, and today’s heartbreak can eventually become a warm, yet bittersweet memory.</p>
<p>I’m actually a bit older than regular college age, but I think I have some very similar issues, as I didn’t have a lot of role models growing up and a few bad relationships. </p>
<p>Does this advice hold even for people in their late 20s-ish?</p>
<p>I agree with NSM. And, yes, that advice holds whatever the age.</p>
<p>I can’t tell how long you were together (might or might not have any relevance… but the shorter time you were together, the more I think you should just let it go). Even if you had a very long time together and even if you might eventually reconcile, it does not look that way right now. He clearly is not interested now (even if he might ever be), so your questions about whether you should get back together or not are off in their timing.</p>
<p>The real issue is the pain. It is real. It hurts. It hurts no matter the age. Most all of us have been there. We remember the pain. Is there a right way to handle it? Well… maybe. But that “right way” doesn’t offer a quick fix or erasure of the pain.</p>
<p>The advice on handling the pain of a lost romance that I like the best is this: give yourself a full 24 hours to wallow in the pain. Cry. Listen to music that brings it all out. Allow yourself a full-scale (solo) pity party. At the end of 24 hours, the pain will not be gone. But you will be more ready to distract yourself with other things.</p>
<p>As a parent, I both wish I had never had to go through it. And I certainly I wish I could spare my child this pain. But it is a part of life.</p>
<p>Sigh…I have been going through this with my daughter since Sept. I agree with you jmmom, I too wish I could spare my daughter what she has been going through. The guy is a jerk and I feel that he has been leading her on after breaking up with her
( conveniently after we took him out for a free meal the night before )
I believe also that most parents have gone thru this and know that the heartbreak is a sort of learning process. As painful as it is, it helps to bring you to a more suitable partner when the timing is right.
Take care of yourself, lean on your friends and those closest to you.</p>
<p>Based on your other posts this is an exciting time in your life with grad school and other opportunities. Your plans will take you to places where you will be meeting a lot of interesting men. If he’s THE ONE you’ll figure it out in time. Meanwhile if you’re not certain it’s worth fighting for it’s probably not at this point in time.</p>
<p>So sorry about your grandfather and your break-up</p>
<p>The above advice is solid and comes from some of the best minds on CC. I just wanted to add some practical advice for getting over him.</p>
<ul>
<li><p>Find a cause that you can work for/with. The best antidote to your sadness is to make someone else happy. The holiday season is full of these kinds of opportunities.</p></li>
<li><p>Reconnect with your girl friends and do some of the things that you enjoyed before you and your ex bf</p></li>
<li><p>Work out! endorphins feel good :)</p></li>
<li><p>Find a new hobby, learn a new skill etc.</p></li>
</ul>
<p>All of these will fill your time and perhaps your heart and help you rediscover you. Best of Luck!</p>
<ul>
<li>Find a cause that you can work for/with. The best antidote to your sadness is to make someone else happy. The holiday season is full of these kinds of opportunities.</li>
</ul>
<p>I may be misinterpreting your situation but several of your remarks sent up red flags for me because they just sound so much like the way my daughter was made to feel in her relationship with her ex (she was always the one in the wrong, everything was her fault etc, she was a bad girlfriend, she was always placating him and trying to do the right thing - impossible as it was a moving target).</p>
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<p>I don’t believe for one moment, as you seem to, that you are solely responsible for all the problems in the relationship. There were 2 of you in the relationship. Just listen to yourself - I was a bad girlfriend, I didn’t make him happy, If I do and say all the right things, **I **apologized, I learned my lesson. And ask yourself seriously and honestly - was he a good boyfriend, did he make you happy, does he do and say all the right things, has he learned any lessons, has he apologized.</p>
<p>I think you need to not have contact with him. Make a clean break. Do stuff with your friends and just have fun for a while and start rebuilding your self esteem and self confidence. Move on. Be happy to be on your own for a while. And in future avoid anyone who makes you feel so bad about yourself.</p>
<p>My daughter tried to stay friends with her ex and soon found she was now a bad friend instead of a bad girlfriend, she was still in the wrong all the time, he still made her miserable. Her actual friends don’t think she is a bad friend by the way. It has taken time but she has finally realized that any relationship with this person is just toxic. I wish she had made a clean break instead of trying to be friends because she just prolonged her misery.</p>
<p>I had a boyfriend that used to make me feel bad about myself on everything - I was too demanding (too much pressure), I was too much of a perfectionist, I was too uptight, I was too judgmental… I tried very hard to modify my behavior to suit him more and I was miserable. Then I met my husband and he liked everything about me, even with all my faults he thought they just made me more interesting.</p>
<p>None of us are perfect, but what we need is to have someone out there to think we are (other than our parents). You want their eyes to light when you walk in the room. It doesn’t sound like you rock this young man’s world. Don’t settle for what you deserve - to be loved for the person you are.</p>
<p>Thank you, everyone, for your advice. Just getting to hear your comforting “voices” is a huge help. I think I want to keep in contact because I wish that the breakup hadn’t happened, but, well, it did. I guess I have to accept that and move on. </p>
<p>I need to call him and tell him that I’ll pick my stuff up and then we won’t have contact for a while. <em>sigh</em></p>
<p>It does sound like you are taking too much of the resposibility for the problems in the relationship. I can remember when my one true love broke up with me crying, couldn’t breath, heart palpatations, and feeling so lonely. It turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to me. I look back now and know I was not right for him and he was definately not what I needed. Twenty three years of marriage affirms this every day. My husband loves me forty pounds heavier and sagging everywhere, he is my best friend. I agree that there are many ways to help others especially this year. This holiday season you will feel so good giving to others and it will help you through this difficult time. Every relationship teaches us something about ourselves, what we want and what we don’t want. Cut off all ties for a while as others have said, it will become clear if it ever should have been. Good luck.</p>