<p>While I agree having toddlers and young children at a black tie wedding seems incongruent to me, a baby wouldn’t necessarily bother me. Hey, at least they don’t eat! But I will also say that “Black Tie” today doesn’t not necessarily mean men are required to wear a tux. Black Tie usually refers to an after 6pm affair and would mean men should be dressier than a business suit but could easily “pass” wearing a black or even a dark charcoal suit. In fact, black tie is actually LESS FORMAL than white tie. And if the wedding is in NYC and a lot of the guests are from NYC, I think you’ll find a lot already own them. But at the end of the day, if this is the kind of wedding the bride wants and the parents want to host, then that’s the wedding. And if guests don’t want to attend? That too is their choice. It’s the same as a destination wedding in some ways… you’re going to spend money to get there, should the bride get married in her hometown just to accommodate travel restrictions of others? My answer to that is… who are the most important people who you want to attend and will THEY be able to come. The rest, as I see it, is on the lucky-enough-to-be-invited.</p>
<p>Perfect answer, Modadunn, and a good response to MomCat2’s assumption. Although I still have the shower question, but that’s being resolved.</p>
<p>As I’m reading through this thread, and so many others on cc, I am always amazed by the snarkiness of posters. Why do posters feel like they can be rude, when the OP has nothing to do with their answers??</p>
<p>The OP is about a wedding shower. NOT a black tie debate.</p>
<p>Many of the answers given are quite acceptable…just have the host of the shower invite all the groom’s side of the family…maybe someone from the groom’s side, a friend or relative may decide to host a small shower for those NY people, so they still feel a connection…this way they can include close friends of groom, relatives and work related friends that may want to participate, but not take a plane to Florida.</p>
<p>Good luck! ;)</p>
<p>Thank you! I think we’re going to keep it really small, the bridesmaids and their moms (and most of those moms are friends, too), and a few close friends not in the wedding party, total about 20. We probably will let the New York gang know, but not formally invite. No sense in them having to send a gift, or an invitation appearing as a request for gifts, since they aren’t going to come to Florida for the shower. I think we’ll just tell the MOG that it’s going to be really small and although we’d love to have them, we certainly don’t expect anyone to make a trip just for the shower.</p>
<p>Here’s another point of view. As a MOG from far away (NYC to Buffalo, so 7 hours’ drive or a commuter flight), I was truly happy to be invited to a bridal shower. All they had to say was, “We hope you can come!” and let me make up my mind. Please don’t hint that you don’t really expect someone to come; that muddies up the good feelings of an invitation. They also invited my daughter, sister-of-groom, but she couldn’t join due to work scheduling. To me, the airfare was well worth it! I loved the day.</p>
<p>I blended it with some other travel nearby. I didn’t know anyone there, but was glad to pre-meet 2 dozen women from my DIL’s home community, who were important to her. Mainly, they all wanted to see that I would welcome and love this young woman, whom they cared about very much. Everyone knows a nasty MIL can wreck a marriage, so just going and being pegged as “nice” is a real relief to those who love the bride. I hope it took away some anxiety before the wedding.</p>
<p>For babies at weddings, I really encourage people to hire a babysitter for the ceremony. Do you have any idea how upset people get when they travel, dress, buy a gift all at great expense… and then can’t hear the ceremony and vows because some infant wakes up, a toddler is cranky or must comment/narrate…? Their doting parent is too clueless or selfish to leave the room, because after all, THEY (the parent) also went to trouble to be there, so the last thing they will do is miss the ceremony. Instead, they just add loudly, “shh! shh” as if that will help.</p>
<p>If you can find one side-room at the venue and one hired adult with some toys, crayons, paper for just 45 minutes of the ceremony, I think you’ll save yourself a lot of grief. Let parents know beforehand, “we will provide a sitter during the wedding ceremony only - for children under age 4-6 who may have trouble sitting quietly through it.” If you have any parents who won’t leave their baby with a “stranger” for an hour, just smile and welcome them to sit with the babysitter in that room, too. No problem!</p>
<p>To me, children at a party/reception can be managed because it’s already noisy. It’s the ceremony they can wreck, but a babysitter can save the day.</p>
<p>We crossposted, and I see you are thinking of just letting the groom’s family know there will be a shower as an FYI, but not invite any of them.</p>
<p>Well, if that had happened, I’d have also enjoyed knowing that. I wouldn;t feel insulted not to be invited. I also wouldn’t take it to mean I should throw my own shower for the bride in my town; that’s unrealistic~!</p>
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<p>Now wait a minute, are you inviting her or not?? “although we’d love to have you…we don’t expect you to come…” is the kind of mixed message Southern Hospitality that drives plain-speaking New Yorkers nuts. Either invite us or don’t, but don’t mix us up with honey syrup. :)</p>
<p>I totally agree with paying3 - you need to send the invitation if the meaning you intend to convey is you’d love to have them there if they could come.</p>
<p>I don’t know why you would assume that the groom’s family is unwilling to travel. I am about to be a MOG, and I absolutely will attend any and all events if humanly possible. Welcoming a new member of the family is a big deal.</p>
<p>Ok, I think I understand how most people feel now. Invite the groom’s family and let them decide. I’m going up to New York soon so I think I’ll talk to the mom in person, and just feel her out about it. I so don’t want to offend anyone. It has been easy so far, as we’re all new to this and I think we all feel the same about most of the decisions. I’ll ask my niece to send invitations, and I’ll ask the groom’s mother who else she thinks should be invited on her list. I don’t know most of the relationships on their side, just a list of names. Paying3, I’m not a southerner, I’m from “a suburb of Buffalo” also! I do want to invite anyone who would like to attend, but I don’t want anyone to feel pressured! I guess I can’t control that part. Maybe they will want to travel, but Tampa in July?? Ugh! I’d rather be in Buffalo!</p>
<p>If I were you I would just tell the MOG about the shower, ask her who else should receive an invitation–you might ask “who else would like to be invited”-- and add smilingly that although it would be lovely to have her, neither she nor anyone else should feel any pressure to fly to FL, especially at that time of year. I would not get into anything about it being “small” because a) 20 people is larger than any shower <em>I</em> have ever been to, and b) it makes it sound as if you don’t want any additional people–like her–to come. Just be straightforward. Forget about “feeling her out” and all that.</p>