<p>My daughter is getting married in November. She, her fiance, and his family (including one bridesmaid) live in or near New York. We live in Florida, which is also the home base for five of the six bridesmaids. The maid of honor is planning a shower in Florida in the summer, when most of the bridesmaids and their moms will be available. What about the groom’s side? This is the first wedding on both sides, and while I think I understand most of the traditional etiquette rules, the groom’s family is much more relaxed about rules. They are lovely, and we have a good relationship and have respected each other’s opinions, when the kids give us options, and it’s been a very easy relationship thus far. Case in point: I would prefer no babies at the wedding, the bride, groom and his family want them invited. Fine, they will be invited. That was easy. My daughter wants black tie, I’m pretty sure they would rather earlier in the day and less formal. It’s black tie, and that was easy. </p>
<p>Does the maid of honor talk to the groom’s family about a shower? Do we tell them one will be planned for Florida, and of course they will be invited? I know immediate family doesn’t host a shower, so how do we approach this without it appearing like a hint for a host in New York? I just don’t want them to feel in any way left out. But I don’t know how to approach this!</p>
<p>Is this a surprise shower? If not, I would start with talking to your daughter and getting her thoughts.</p>
<p>If it is a surprise, then I would talk to the groom’s mother, and tell her exactly what your concerns are: that you don’t want them to feel left out, and that you also understand that the location in Florida is an inconvenience for them. Get their input. They may want to be invited so that they can send gifts, or they may want to have something of their own. But at least then you are getting their input instead of trying to ascertain what they want and deciding for them.</p>
<p>The shower is not a surprise, and my daughter didn’t know how to handle this, either. She is the first of her friends to marry, so she has no experience with this, and is relying on what she reads, and me. I told her I’d ask here, which she thought was a good idea. I’m not giving the shower, of course, so I am not sure what I would say to the groom’s mom. I’ll see if I can get my niece, the maid of honor, to talk to the groom’s mother, since my niece will be hosting the shower with the bridesmaids. I have a feeling I’ll have a lot more questions as this goes on!</p>
<p>Some mothers of the groom might want to hop on a plane, book a hotel room, and rent a car, all for the purpose of giving a pair of oven mitts to their future daughter-in-law. Most, I think, would be just as happy not going. It would be really weird, IMHO, if they were to help plan the event. </p>
<p>Send the generic invite with a personal, handwritten message - “Would love to have you there, but it’s understood if you can’t make it” - and stop overthinking this. :D</p>
<p>As a potential MOG, I would not want to fly out, spend $1000, and not know anyone at the bride’s home base. I’d love to be shown pictures.</p>
<p>As I’ve said before, my best friends expect me to host a local party after/before the wedding, but don’t want to fly across country to the wedding.</p>
<p>I am mother of the bride. Daughter is getting married in June. Her maid of honor planned the shower and is hosting it in conjunction with my sister where the bride lives (and her maid of honor). The grooms mom and sister happens to live there, so we are the ones making the trip.</p>
<p>I would just tell the MOB in a casual way that there will be a shower in Florida this summer that she is absolutely invited to attend, but understand she might not want to make the trip (whether that be financial or the weather in florida in Summer!) There is no need for her to throw another shower or have any event in her town whatsoever. However, my inlaws’ friends held a couple dinner parties where we were asked to invite like three other couples and we had lovely evenings getting to know their friends and them our friends, so at the wedding there was an established comfort level. It was actually an awesome idea.</p>
<p>There is nothing wrong with the couple giving a casual heads up to the mom (and other close female relatives of the groom, if relevant) to let them know there is going to be a shower in FL to which they will be invited. That in no way implies pressure on the mother of groom to find a NY host!</p>
<p>If there is a separate set of friends up north who <em>want</em> to throw a second shower, they would initiate and plan on their own. As a rule, they wouldn’t invite the same people to both (possible exception of immediate family).</p>
<p>OP, I am a female relative who just received an invitation to a shower for my husband’s nephew’s fiance over Memorial Day weekend that is 300 miles away. I didn’t think twice about sending my regrets. We are spending $$$ to fly to the wedding, rent a car and pay for a hotel room. I appreciated the invite and sent along a check for a “group gift” that the hostesses are handling.</p>
<p>I’d go for no shower at all, much less two. (Enough is enough with gift extraction events!) If the maid of honor and bridesmaids DO hold a shower in FL, though, I agree with Roshke and Modadunn: just let the MOG know that they will be invited, although no one expects them to travel to FL just for the shower.</p>
<p>BTW, babies at a black tie evening wedding? Really??</p>
<p>Consolation, I agree about the babies but it’s not my wedding. My daughter says her fiance’s extended family always invites them, but they don’t have black tie evening weddings. They were surprised that it will be black tie, but that is my daughter’s choice and her fiance wants her to have what she wants. They are going along with the black tie because the kids want it, I’m going along with the babies, because the kids want it! I tell my daughter, often, that I may not agree with her but it’s not my wedding. She does have very good, quite conservative, taste, but also wants to make her fiance’s family comfortable. I am thinking of hiring someone to help entertain the kids, so they aren’t running around the dance floor. The shower, by the way, will be very small, a tea at a tea shop, which suites my daughter. The bridesmaids and their moms and some very close friends of mine will be there, and that’s it. I think I’ve gotten good advice, I’ll mention it to the mother of the groom, putting it the way Modadunn suggested. Thanks! The big problem now is finding something for me to wear! I’m post-mastectomy, pre-reconstruction, also post-exercise, mid weight gain, and I hope pre-exercise again once I’m post-reconstruction! Don’t know what size or shape I’ll be by the wedding! And I never was an easy fit to begin with!</p>
<p>We wore tuxes to our wedding - the guests didn’t for the most part. We had one very well behaved baby there. The mom asked permission and promised to sit in the back ready to escape if he misbehaved. The baby was adorable, and as best as I can recall behaved for the entire reception as well as for the ceremony itself. </p>
<p>My understanding is that showers are to be given by friend’s of the bride for the bride. Groom not involved at all. Presents are supposed to be small aimed at homemaking, not to conflict with wedding presents which are typically much less useful. Silver bowls and trays and the like. :)</p>
<p>A good friend of mine had a bridal shower for my daughter. We did it in the town where we live–daughter and most of her bridesmaids and friends live 40 miles away. We also invited my son-in-law’s mother and her best friend; they lived about 3 hours away. They travelled to the shower together, stayed with us overnight, and then left the next day. </p>
<p>I would agree with the posters who’ve suggested inviting the groom’s mother and any others in the groom’s family who are coming to the wedding–give them a heads up and let them know it’s in FL and that you realize it may be too far for them to attend. Offer to sent photos–just make them feel welcome. At that point, it’s up to them to decide what they want to do.</p>
<p>We had babies and kids at our wedding, because that’s how my family always does it. This was appalling to my in-laws. All these years later, I’m still happy that we included everybody…that photo of my entire extended family as it was on my wedding day is precious to me.</p>
<p>You don’t really have to say anything to the MOG about the shower. The maid of honor who is hosting should invite the groom’s mom, sisters, grandmothers, and leave it at that. If they choose to host a shower for your D, that would be nice but that’s up to them. I don’t see why a shower hosted in Florida would make them think that they then have to host one in NY. They can send their regrets, which would be the norm in this situation, and a gift if they’d like to do so.</p>
<p>Having been through three Ds weddings and innumerable of their friends’, I would much prefer babies at the wedding than having black tie! I, personally, think it’s presumptuous to dictate what guests should wear to a wedding, particularly when it means that most will have to spend money to fit the dress code.</p>
<p>I agree with those who say babies really do not belong at an evening event, black tie or no black tie. If it’s immediate family, a compromise I’ve seen is having a sitter or sitters down the hall from the ballroom in a quiet room with a portable crib. The baby put in a few cameos, then went to sleep. I can see choosing an afternoon for the sake of having babies and kids, but not sure your D has thought through the implications of having it both ways. I agree with your instinct - hire a sitter!</p>
<p>We had the opposite issue for each one of our affairs- older relatives who had mobility and health issues who couldn’t stay up or function that late. Their presence took priority over any preference for an evening event had all else been equal. </p>
<p>I am sure you will find a lovely dress. Here is to your good health on this happy occasion and many more happy ones to come!</p>
<p>D1 had two showers. The one given by her bridesmaids and groom’s family was OOS for us since D1 was living OOS. Three of my close friends then hosted a shower here for our side of the family and local friends. MOG was invited here and I was invited there. Most of our friends seem to to have arranged showers like that when there is an OOS situation.</p>
<p>D1 didn’t invite children to the reception due to costs and space issues.</p>
<p>Black tie? So that means that all male guests will have to rent a tux ( except for a very few who might own one)? What’s that run these days? And more if the guy doesn’t own shiny black shoes…
Seems quite rude to impose that additional cost on top of all the other costs involved in attending a wedding.
And for what purpose - to seem hoity-toity upper class? Whom are we trying to impress here?</p>
<p>I have to agree with MomCat2. It begs the question, would the host prefer those without tuxes to stay home, come underdressed, or deduct the cost of their tux rental from the wedding gift?</p>
<p>None of the above, really, since a dark business suit is an acceptable substitute and nobody will be turning you away in any case. “Black tie” is appropriate for a formal affair and it is perfectly appropriate to indicate that an affair is formal. It is really no different than suggesting jeans for a casual affair. But if you know that the majority of your guests don’t own a tux and the expense of a rental will be a hardship for most of them, then it IS, IMO something to consider.</p>
There is no need for her to throw another shower or have any event in her town whatsoever. However, my inlaws’ friends held a couple dinner parties where we were asked to invite like three other couples and we had lovely evenings getting to know their friends and them our friends, so at the wedding there was an established comfort level. It was actually an awesome idea.</p>