My experience as a bridesmaid and as a bride was similar to that of @orangepurple . Only one of my friends had a shower, and that was very small. No one I knew had a “bachelorette party,” I don’t even know if the concept really existed. I do think it would fun for the bride and her friends to get together for something like a low-key weekend at the shore or hiking, if they enjoy that sort of thing, but only if it is convenient for them and CHEAP!
No one got a mani-pedi–it was not a thing then, at least among the people I knew–and no one had professional makeup. We did go and get our hair done for one wedding–her mother’s idea–but it was the day before and it really only amounted to a wash and blow dry. I must say that it would be fun to get a full salon treatment, but paying for it would have been another matter!
From my previous post from yesterday, both my daughter and the friend getting married in Sept were bridesmaids at another friend’s wedding this past summer. The young woman in law school ordered her dress from the bridesmaid place online and they sent her to a place in the Bay Area that they knew for her measurements. The dresses were all the same sort of royal blue color but they each picked their own style. She picked it up when she was back in NY. She couldn’t come in for the shower and she was able to attend the bachelorette but only for one night as summer legal associates don’t get to leave early on Friday night.
With older d’s friends, one of her closest friends who relocated to SF and was getting married there scheduled her bachelorette and shower back home in Boston for the same weekend. Older d drove up on Saturday for bachelorette night and then the shower was held the next afternoon. With another friend, no shower was held that I can recall but she and other friends did decide to all travel to Chicago for a bachelorette weekend. That bride had several bachelorette events with different sets of friends, some of whom were pregnant and didn’t want to travel far.
It depends on the situation. At my college roommate’s daughter’s wedding, pretty last minute the maid/matron of honor had to cancel either because of a sick child or some other issues that meant she couldn’t travel. At the time the couple lived in Florida and got married there. This particular childhood friend had to travel from Philly.
My closest friend’s nephew got married on MLK Jr Weekend in Aruba. My friend’s daughter at the time had 2 year old twins and a 5 year old. The hotel and travel costs were exorbitant and going there was not an option. Her husband wanted her to go but it meant giving up two days of work for him as they had no babysitter options and losing two days of income and spending all that money to go wasn’t ideal although my friend would have paid or split it. The bride was annoyed as she just couldn’t understand why she couldn’t just hire someone from a child care agency for the weekend to take care of her kids. My friend’s daughter was not part of the bachelorette but they both attended the shower at a NYC restaurant on a Saturday night…
My D is one of of niece’s 6 bridesmaids. D is buying (we are reimbursing) for the cost of her dress. There’s going to be a bachelorette party in Vegas that D us trying to figure out how to get to & costs–only done if the bridesmaids are attending that. Haven’t heard any word on any shower yet. I suspect as an aunt I’m probably going to be planning one for bride, who is a niece and my god daughter. I don’t know when she will be in HI, nor when D will be in HI.
I’m sure you can explain your needed absences to your department. You do not want to miss out on this family occasion and being a part of it since you are close. You are not the maid of honor with tasks assigned to her. Your job is to have fun and increase the bride’s entourage at the ceremony. You skip any activities that interfere with school. Bridal showers, bachelor parties, whatever. The bride values you and your being there for her big day. Tough luck to other expectations. Yes, it could be nice to be more involved, but your life counts so much more to you than her plans. You will not regret taking time for family but you do make sacrifices to be in school. I had to figure out vacation time while a resident to attend my brother’s wedding but that was a once in a lifetime event while work was forever.
People need to remember that the wedding is only one event and it is the marriage that counts. That’s why we didn’t invite everyone possible or spend a lot even though we could easily afford it (the advantages of doctors marrying each other after being in private practice awhile).
Honesty is the best policy. Let your relative know that you want to be there for her and you consider it an honor, but that you have commitments for your MS program and may not be able to be there for everything, including possibly the shower.if you can’t make arrangements with the professor to make up the missed class (maybe you could Skype in to say hi) You can offer to step aside if this is unacceptable to her. But honestly if your relative loves you as much as you seem to love her and is half as considerate as you are being, she wouldn’t want you to jeopardize your grad school for her wedding. IMO as long as you show up to the wedding properly dressed and with a big smile, it should be OK.
@happy1, I agree. DD’s BF and former college roommate is getting married on New Year’s Day on the east coast and asked D to be her maid of honor. D is in grad school on the west coast. She told her friend she would love to be maid of honor but may not be able to fly out for a shower and the wedding. Her friend was very understanding.
D2 was a bridesmaid this weekend. She flew here (1,000 miles) for a shower in March and again last week for the wedding. She was able to buy her plane tickets with credit card points but there were other travel-related costs: four days off work, and gas and tolls for me and my ex to pick her up at the airport and for me to drive her back to the airport. I think she was glad to have an excuse to take vacation but still found the traveling to be tiring. Other expenses were the dress (D2 paid) and hair styling (I paid) on the day of the wedding. We gave a joint gift of money and I said she didn’t have to reimburse me for that.
Costs and time do add up. Our D is a bridesmaid. She is having to figure out how to get to Vegas for the bachelorette party (neither of bride-to-be’s married sisters are attending). I will probably be throwing bride a shower. D will have to flown down for the HI wedding, which is more $$$. We are going to be buying her bridesmaid’s dress. I suspect everyone’s on their own for makeup and hair as well.
The time, costs and obligations do add up, especially when folks are in far apart cities.
Wow. These dream occasions and destination weddings are big time and money drains. I would have to tell the bride my involvement would have to be minimal. I am thankful my friends aren’t the type to turn into bridezilla or anything. LOL!
I really love my DD dearly…but I would NOT pay a dime for her to be IN a wedding, go to a bachelorette party, come to a shower, etc. it’s just not in HER budget to do so…and it’s not something I would subsidize.
I would and have paid for plane tickets for our kids to attend family weddings.
But to be IN a bridal party? If it was a sibling…yes. But otherwise. My kid would decline the offer…and yes…she has had to do so.
She doesn’t have an extra $1000 or so to spend right now.
Well for D, the bride is her favorite cousin and my goddaughter, so we are willing to pay the bills. I’m glad the two of them are close. It is an expense and tiring for D, but she’s happy to be included.
I think D2 would have accepted the invitation to be a bridesmaid for this friend under any reasonable circumstances. But the actual circumstances were such that her decision to participate was particularly appropriate and right. The bride’s mom died very suddenly and unexpectedly one year ago, and I think everyone who knows the family wanted to do what they could to support them, including, for three of the attendants, flying in from out of state for the wedding.
I paid for my daughter to be in two weddings. She’s young, her friends are young, and the opportunity will not come again. I was fortunate that the dresses were in the $50-60 range, and there was no cost for hair, make up (just did their own). I also paid for the gifts. There were things I didn’t pay for, like travel to go to the bridal showers (daughter didn’t go) or hotel rooms (she came home after the weddings).
My daughter was the one female attendant for her cousin a year ago and at the time was a second year medical resident. She said yes to the honor of being asked with the understanding that she would not be able to fulfill many of the normal responsibilities. To get two days off for the wedding was a big deal, let alone organizing a shower, the bachelorette, and the like. Her cousin still wanted her and the cousin’s girlfriends filled in. You can only do what you can do. The bride fortunately asked to have her bachelorette in the same city where D is practicing which was a lovely gesture and allowed D to help organize and participate in it.
I also paid for my daughter’s bridesmaids dresses. She was in a wedding last fall and the next two are next fall. The dresses prices were between $200-300. Way too much for her as a grad student. Two of the brides are her close cousins so I was happy to do it. I agree with @twoinanddone that these are rare events.
Interesting differences, probably many related to geography and the culture found there. Most in my cohort had bachelorette parties, though not necessarily anything crazy. We went to Austin for one, another we bar hopped with a limo, that kind of thing. A couple were at those silly male dancing bars.
Also, as a bridesmaid, I was expected to be present at wedding showers unless I couldn’t attend for some reason. We were told we didn’t need to bring a gift to each one, but that as a wedding party member, it would be nice to be there. I never heard of anyone having a problem with a bridesmaid not attending, especially if she lived out of town or had commitments like the OP has described.
But being an in-town bridesmaid certainly involved a fair amount of commitment imo. Maid of honor was supposed to plan the bachelorette party and was expected to give a toast at the ceremony or rehearsal dinner.
It’s not just the women. My S figures he’s spending over a thousand this year on the two weddings he’s a groomsman in, and that’s not involving any plane fare! Good thing he lives frugally; he can cover this, but it’s a big bite out of his salary.