Hi All,
One of my close relatives is getting married this fall and I have the wonderful honor of being one of her bridesmaids. I knew this would be a lot of responsibility when I accepted, but I’m still trying to figure out how to best manage everything.
I’m attending grad school out of state and will be in the second year of my MA come the fall. This is truly crunch time – taking two seminars, applying to PhD programs, working through my assistantship, trying to work on my thesis, and a couple conferences to present at.
I have to come home twice for the wedding and miss some days of school. I’ll also be traveling out of state to one of the conferences between the shower and the wedding, possibly missing even more class.
Again, I knew this would be a big commitment and I love my relative and am going to be there for her. I’m just wondering how others have juggled family events and school/work, and how I can maybe optimize my time this summer to avoid a build up of work in the fall? Looks like one class in particular might be missed twice. I know it’ll be fine if I miss for the conference, but I just hope it’ll be fine to miss for a family event, too.
Thanks!
Honestly, I don’t think of being a bridesmaid as some kind of big responsibility. Perhaps it turns into a big deal if the bride is one of those people who expects everyone to fawn over her and organize multiple events in her honor.
That said, how many classes are you talking about missing? I can’t see a couple of Friday or Monday classes as a huge deal. Make arrangements in advance with your professor(s). If the expectation is that you are going to come home for more than a long weekend, maybe you need to make it clear you can’t do that.
You don’t really need to come home twice during the semester. Order the dress this summer and send a nice shower gift. Maybe contribute financially to the shower if that is a bridesmaid expectation.
You really don’t need to attend the shower–send a gift or, easier still, a gift card, and if you are expected to be a hostess, make a contribution. You also don’t have to be at the bachelorette party either. The only event you have to attend is the wedding and rehearsal. The bride will understand.
Talk to your professors before the wedding and let them know when you will be away/reason. My D was in a wedding last fall (friend of hers since childhood)–wedding was in September and she would miss two days of her MFA classes (she had just started a few weeks earlier). All her instructors were very understanding. Good luck.
If you relative can’t understand that grad school studies have to come first, then it would be appropriate for you to step away from this role and just attend the wedding as a guest. You do not have the free time right now to be so busy with a wedding. It’s ok to just say No.
My DD went through this scenario recently during her first year of med school. She told her friend she was honored to be a bridesmaid and would participate as much as possible. But she also made sure that the bride understood there was no way to predict availability more than a month ahead of time, and sometimes she had to say no to events. Best to keep the bride’s expectations realistic.
Not so sure we can predict the behavior of total strangers. I hope for the OP’s sake that the bride is the understanding type. But when it comes to weddings, there are often some unpleasant surprises.
To the OP: IMO, the bride should understand your limitations. I hope that is the case. My D is a fourth year Ph.D student, and she tries to have a balanced life, but it’s not always possible. Sometimes you have to make a choice that will disappoint your family/friends and tug on your heart. We have been on the losing end of that a few times, but the last thing in the world I would do is make my D feel worse than she already does. Hopefully you will be met with understanding and love!
Good luck-I hope you are able to balance this family commitment with the rigorous demands of your grad school program.
Thanks, everyone!
From what I understand, I AM expected to attend the shower – she keeps reminding me of the date. That’s probably doable, I guess, as long as I get ahead on my work for the week after.
I definitely don’t think I can attend a bachelorette party or anything… That’s too much driving and time for where I am located. I definitely will have a conversation with her about what she exactly expects from me. She’s definitely understanding, so hopefully it’ll work out!
I didn’t expect anything of my bridesmaids except that they picked out their own dresses. They were welcome to come or not to activities.
You have to do what you’re comfortable with and just be honest with the bride.
I agree. This is what comes with the territory in being a grown-up. My d has been a bridesmaid in several wedding parties and you do the best you can both with travel that is involved and managing your graduate school work and your professional responsibilities. One of her closest friends is getting married in September and as the bride is completing law school on the West Coast and has accepted a clerkship with a federal judge on the East Coast, the shower was held in conjunction with the bride’s spring break week. My d who works in theater and will be in the Berkshires from this week through October can take the time for the wedding weekend but not likely to be able to take the time to get to Cape Cod for the bachelorette. On the other hand she was able to have an afternoon to go bridal grown shopping withe the bride and her mom. We have a family wedding this summer that my younger d will not likely be able to attend between driving back and forth and having to miss summer performances. Neither of my daughters will be able to attend the bridal shower on Memorial Day weekend. Younger d cannot take the time and older d and her friends, some are coming from the West Coast have long-standing plans to celebrate their 10th college reunion together rather than attending official reunion weekend in June.
D has 5 bridesmaids and only 2 are local. Her shower was this weekend and 2 didn’t make it. No hard feelings. D doesn’t to see them until the wedding. 1 flew in for the event and also to see her mom for MD. All the bridesmaids have been keep informed about any events or other details. They are all with her in spirit!
^My D had three weddings one summer–two as bridesmaid, one as bride. The gang knew that not everyone could make it to everything. They had long email chains going to arrange to make sure dresses, shoes, plane reservations, and who and could-go-to-what-event was all hashed out.
No one expected anyone to turn their lives inside out to participate in everything. It’s really often not possible, in this day and age.
My kid was in the same boat. But she was maid of honor. She scheduled the bachelorette for just an overnight the same weekend as the shower…to minimize expected travel both for herself…and the other members of the bridal party.
This was all done in conjunction with lots of talks with the bride and MOB.
In addition to your time…there is the cost factor.
For our DD, there will probably NOT be a shower at all…because logistically, it’s just not going to work for the five members of the bridal party who live all over the world.
The MOH and I have already started to discuss bachelorette arrangements (we offered to pay for lodging), and they are thinking about a one day/1 overnight event the same weekend as the wedding. Wedding is in Sunday…so,this probably would be Friday to Saturday…and would include the bridal party manicures and pedicures.
I think brides understand the cost and logistic issues. If you can’t get there for everything…that is the way it is.
“No one expected anyone to turn their lives inside out to participate in everything. It’s really often not possible, in this day and age.”
And I dare say in previous days/ages, there weren’t 4-5 events associated with a wedding.
I have managed to never be a bridesmaid (only child, quirky bunch of friends who rarely had big weddings). I think I lucked out.
I had one bridesmaid who couldn’t even make it to the rehearsal or rehearsal dinner. No biggie to me. She got through it just fine even without rehearsing 
I was just happy to have her there on my wedding day.
My daughter was a bridesmaid over Christmas break last year. She is a friend of the groom’s and they live about an hour away. She missed the bridal shower that was held over Thanksgiving weekend, which would have been fine except daughter went to her boyfriend’s home for thanksgiving, 3 hours in the other direction. The bachelorette party was Dec 26, and my daughter was a month short of being 21, so she just skipped it, plus she didn’t know the bride or any of the other bridesmaid. She went for the rehearsal dinner and the wedding, but then came home and didn’t go back for the NYE party. She was kind of a crummy bridesmaid, but cute.
Then my daughter went to England for a semester. The wedding present is still sitting here waiting to be delivered.
IMO, you should be “expected” to do anything except show up for the wedding- and maybe the rehearsal if it’s doable. It’s pretty rude to demand someone go to a shower.
But what do I know? I never even had a shower. Didn’t want one.
I understand that a wedding is about the couple, but I don’t understand the “me, me, me- your life be damned” attitude that many brides (especially) seem to have. shrug
Why should bridesmaids have to go to the shower? I don’t think any of my bridesmaids came to my shower and I never attended a shower until I was an aunt or in-law. I was lucky, I guess, to be married and to be a bridesmaid before brides had bachelorette parties. When I was a bridesmaid, I attended the rehearsal, rehearsal dinner, and the wedding. My own bridesmaids did the same. My (older) family friends gave me a shower.
My daughter has not been a bridesmaid, but she has told me how hard it has been on her friends who have done it, in terms of time and money. It seems crazy to me to make weddings into a huge production that require multiple events in various places. Bridesmaids these days are required to spend money traveling to various destinations and staying in hotels… things I never had money for when I was getting married and going to the weddings of friends. When I was in my mid-twenties, I went to weddings if I could drive there or combine it with a trip home, or I sent my regrets…Girls who were bridesmaids complained about the cost of the dress, but at least they didn’t have to pay for a whole vacation for a bachelorette party! Nowadays they will fly to some other city, stay in a hotel, pay for their share of some party, use their vacation time from work…it seems insane to me.
I didn’t expect anything out of my bridesmaids except for to stand with me at the wedding and wear those butt ugly dresses (not my fault!).
Can’t imagine what great responsibility there would be, especially if you’re not local.
Seems like it would have made more sense to make her one of the groomspersons. My S was best man in a wedding where one person on the bride’s side was a guy, and one woman was on the groom’s side. The latter found a dress about the same color as their vests, and wore a vest over it. The guy on the other side wore a vest that matched the bridesmaid dresses.
Something like that would have made it less awkward for her to have been expected to attend events for a woman she didn’t even know.
(though I’m glad she was cute, 
).