<p>So, my brother was deciding between Clemson and Miami of Ohio. As decision day came near, my parents and brother were fighting immensely. My brother’s anger with my parents’ policies also had been getting worse and worse each week until D-day (he views them as far too strict). Then, the day before D-day, it was awkwardly calm. My parents and him sent in the enrollment form and deposit for Clemson. However, my brother teamed up with his girlfriend’s mother and got her to pay Miami’s deposit behind my family’s back. My Dad thought that something was suspicious; so, he called Miami and discovered what the girlfriend’s mother did. As if enrolling in another college behind my father’s back was not enough, my brother ran away the next day and stole thousands of dollars from my parents. He is now living with a friend and has made amends with my family financially. What is even weirder is that my brother’s girlfriend and her family are Mormons while we are non-religious. Many mormons do get married around 18-20, and my parents would definitely not allow this. I am starting to wonder if he was converted. He has totally transformed in the last year. This is also his first true girlfriend, his “first love”… To make matters worse, one of my parents talked to the girlfriend’s mother and she lied directly to her face and said that her daughter (brother’s gf) was going to BYU. In actuality, we had found out that she switched colleges and was going to Ohio State. So, my parents view this whole situation as if my brother is chasing a girl and was possibly brainwashed into their thinking. Miami is very close to Ohio State, and we are just wondering if he did this just to be closer to the girlfriend? My father and I went to my brother’s friends house (where he is staying), and the friend’s parents are totally supporting my brother’s actions. Its as if my brother is now their son. My father and I asked to speak with him and he could not even come out to talk to my father. My father cried for hours. I talked with him, and I again wondered what the hell happened. I think he ran off to Miami for the girl and was converted to Mormonism. Today, my father and I visited him again, and my father cried for hours while the parents that are supporting my brother (the friends), backed my brother up. My father would not leave the property and the police were called. We talked it out separately. My brother and his friend’s parents discussed their problems with the police and my father and I did the same separately. What was even worse was that the girlfriend’s mother was there, on the side of my brother! It was like some sort of conspiracy. They asked me to leave, and I was just about to hit that lady upside the head. (My brother is also 18 years old) My father cried again for hours. My mother does not know what to do. It is a month before I graduate. I am a triplet, and I have classes with my brother and I know that I may taunt him or curse at him when I see him. (All three of us are graduating this year). My brother is also claiming that he has been “emotionally abused” in this house because my mother liked being the authortative figure as she put it, not his friend. This is how my mother acts towards all her children, and I am fine with it. I just think that my brother wanted a parental friend and he saw that in his girlfriend’s mother. Now, it’s as if my brother died as I write this. He slept in my room for 18 years and now my mother cried as she boxed up all his stuff and tore down his bed. My parents and the rest of my family (eight in all) need direction now. The school principal and guidance counselor has found out about this, and everyone at school may soon know. What went wrong? Was he converted? Did he choose Miami just for the girl? To clarify this post, my brother is living with a friend, not his girlfriend. They are separate in the above post.</p>
<p>I’m sorry; this sounds very very difficult to deal with.</p>
<p>Who is going to pay your brother’s tuition and other school expenses?</p>
<p>He is taking out loans and the friend’s parents are cosigning.</p>
<p>From your post it looks like the root issues are within your household - not the GF, GF’s mom, GF’s religion, or friend. I’d forget about blaming them or the Mormon religion and ‘brainwashing’. They’re just a convenient escape route for your brother.</p>
<p>A few things to keep in mind - if your brother’s 18 he doesn’t need your parents’ permission to get married (you said they’d never allow it), he can go to the college of his choice as long as he can afford it on his own (not likely unless he got a full ride including housing) and is accepted, and he can move out of the house.</p>
<p>None of that is recommended of course, but it’s important to keep in mind that it’s all possible.</p>
<p>It sounds like in your brother’s mind your parents might have been too controlling and your brother is rebelling. I assume a large part of the fighting was related to which college he’d attend. I think your parents need to re-evaluate their arguments, why they’re taking the stance they are, whether they should let up on the college question and maybe a few other things, and try to consider what’s really important in this issue - like reconciling with your son and finding a good compromise.</p>
<p>Good luck.</p>
<p>edit:
Your brother’s taking a big risk taking a loan with his friend’s parents co-signing (assuming this is really true). If there’s any falling out whatsoever they’ll no longer cosign and your bro will be out of luck. Any cosigners are taking a big risk as well of never getting paid back.</p>
<p>I know that he can get married on his own. But, the problem is if your child was in this position and you asked to speak with him and he said no, what would you do. What kind of character- or lack of, does this show?</p>
<p>I am so sorry that your family is going through this. I imagine it is especially hard for you as a triplet … I have twin brothers, and it would have been devastating to one if the other broke off their relationship. You have my sympathies.</p>
<p>That said, I would like to focus a bit on your brother. Something is very wrong in your brother’s relationship with your parents. I won’t even pretend to guess what it might be, because I do not know anything about your family. However, there are two families that are treating your brother like a son … helping him to do what he feels he needs to do … and his own family is not one of these two families. I can’t imagine that he actually finds it easy to be estranged from your family. Please encourage your parents to seek family counseling immediately … NOT from a clergy member, by the way. The issue with Mormonism stands out here. If he has converted or wishes to do so, that is his decision; he is an adult. It should not be relevant one way or another in his relationship with your family. If it is, I think that is all the more reason to seek a professional counselor to help your family figure out how to mend the break. Of course, you can’t make your parents do anything … but as a concerned triplet, I would hope they would pay close attention to your suggestions.</p>
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I’d let him calm down a little bit to let the emotions settle. I’d then try to approach him from as calm a perspective as possible in order to get him to the point where he’s willing to talk. Yelling, dictating, threatening will just make him turn around and head the other way.</p>
<p>If the above doesn’t work, I’d try to get an intermediary to try to bridge the gap, maybe another family member who’ll try to understand both sides. </p>
<p>If that doesn’t work I’d probably appeal to the enablers, the other parents helping the son, to help them understand the real issues (as opposed to just the son’s side), to let them know that the parents are trying to bring the family back together, and if they’re not cooperative with that, try to at least understand why these other parents are enabling this. </p>
<p>The bit about the friend’s parents being willing to cosign a loan knowing the issues the son is having with the parents is really strange.</p>
<p>My father and I tried all of those options. I was the middle man in the situation.</p>
<p>If he’s trying to disengage from your family, sometimes the best option is to just let him. Then, when he and the GF break up or the friend’s parents stop financially supporting him, he’ll realize how badly he screwed up. Tough love, baby.</p>
<p>It also might be a necessary option because like others have said, if he’s over 18, there’s not a whole lot your parents can do besides that.</p>
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<p>Including the stealing of thousands of dollars?</p>
<p>Wow. I give you credit for sticking with your Dad throughout all of this. That takes fortitude. I wonder what your brother is telling these supporters? The situation, on the face of it, doesn’t make much sense. Most people wouldn’t disrupt their homes just to support a boy’s choice of college.</p>
<p>A rift of the sort that you all are facing can be devastating over time. I hope you can obtain counseling as suggested for your parents. Best of luck going forward.</p>
<p>Just curious: What does the third triplet say?</p>
<p>The third agrees with my parent’s on the situation. My brother is in a boat all by himself.</p>
<p>This must be really tough on you as the brother, also about to leave for your future college dreams, wanting your family to be rock-solid. To me, you sound like a very fine brother and very fine son, but perhaps those roles are not identical. If you see your brother in classes, you have an unobstructed venue that your father and mother don’t. You can ask him, supportively (non-cursingly…), what’s going on in his life, how he feels about the girl, and other things that are meaningful to you as a brother. If it would urge your family sooner into counseling this summer before you depart, I’d ask your parents to go with you and maybe the other at-home brother. If your communal goal is to stay together as a family and not lose this brother, there might be advice. Don’t wait for the missing brother to sign on; you solo have the right to ask for this form of family support this summer, before you leave home, for your own sake too. In my tight family, one can initiate a request and make it front-burner, with the results benefiting everybody else. You’re not selfish to ask, even though they’re preoccupied with that brother and you may be the “easy” one to raise. (Familiar emotional territory here). </p>
<p>I’m thinking of worst-case and least-worst case scenarios right now, since you wonder what might have happened (best is to ask your bro, of course, at school…and leave your parents right out of the conversation. Console them on your own time, is what I think, just to try to keep the family from fracturing irreperably this summer.</p>
<p>Anyways: he might be betrothed to this girl (suggested by the fact that they’re not living together) so her family is ready to treat him as a son-in-law to finance his education close to their daughter. Her switch from BYU to Ohio might have even been a last-minute choice, created by that family to keep the couple together. She might also be pregnant. Or not. </p>
<p>If it’s not all that, maybe the two of them are each others’ first serious love and your brother’s thinking one year at a time. For next year, if he studies in Ohio even at a lesser (in your parents’ eyes, perhaps) location, he can still learn his major and head towards his career, but enjoy proximity to his girlfriend. That would be a more usual scenario. </p>
<p>I just know it’s hard to be the middleman. Of that I am sure. Try to preserve your relationships in all directions, realizing you don’t have to take sides to be loyal to each relationship, but carve your own unique communication. </p>
<p>For parents, it’s hard to see all 3 ready to leave at once. Your poor dad’s uncontrollable crying sounds exactly parallel to your mom striking down the bed; each knows they’re not in control of the most important decisions of their son’s life, and that’s a very big adjustment for all parents to handle. </p>
<p>I sure do feel for you, your brothers and your parents. I appreciate that you frame it as a family emergency, but it might take years to play itself out. It might bring in new ideas or people you didn’t expect, and sooner than you expected. Still, though, you can create family since it means so much to you all. There might be as many “sides” as people in the family, now that everyone is growing/n up.</p>
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Sounds to me like your parents did a good job of driving your brother away. The were so concerned with winning the battle that they lost the war. Even if your brother was in the wrong, as parents they needed to act like adults, not combatants. If you had said there was one big blowup, I’d be more sympathetic – but fighting takes the people on both sides to engage, and if it is going on weeks on end then someone needs to step back and look for a different resolution. Your brother may be in the wrong… but the parents are the ones who should have the benefit of experience & maturity.
I’d back off, say “fine” and give the kid some space. If the police had to be called to get your father to leave the friend’s house, it doesn’t sound like a good situation. You may feel your parents are in the right and be o.k. with the situation, but the scene that you have described does have all the hallmarks of emotional abuse, so I can see why the friend’s parents feel like they have to protect your brother.
In your brother? it sounds like he is hurting very badly inside, and that his parents have not been listening to him for a very long time. He may also be behaving badly, but he wouldn’t have left unless he found the situation emotionally intolerable. </p>
<p>I think one problem that twins or triplets can have is getting other family members to see them as separate individuals. I know that the parenting style I used with my son did not work at all with my daughter – I have to relate to the two of them in entirely different ways. I’m lucky-- they are 5 years apart – so I never felt like I had to treat them exactly the same to be be fair. </p>
<p>It is very possible that things that your parents do or say as part of their authoritative approach to parenting end up being very hurtful to your brother, even though you and your other brother shrug it off. I know that’s the difference between my two kids – nothing gets my son upset, but my daughter can get very upset over the slightest criticism from me – I can’t even crack a joke some times without her being very upset. I have to be very careful about the way I phrase things when I ask things from her. (On my end it feels like she is often very crabby and bristly… but I try to respect her and give her the space she needs – it isn’t always this way, she just can be moody). Anyway, the point is that the fact that you and one brother are fine at home does NOT mean that your other brother is going to be happy, and his feelings are real and legitimate. There is no “right” and “wrong” in relationships: if a person values the relationship, then the goal always has to be to come to a common understanding, even if that means that each side has to give in on some issues. </p>
<p>The best solution to this problem would have been for your family to get into counseling, so that a therapist could have helped you resolved the various issues. I have the sense that it is too late for that now. I think that if your parents want a relationship with your brother they should back off, let him know that he is welcome to come home and that they are willing to go into counseling to help resolve any issues, and leave him alone until he is ready to try to come to an understanding. </p>
<p>I understand that you and your family view your brother as being the one who is in the wrong… but my point is that nothing can change as long as this is a battle over who is right or who is going to “win.”</p>
<p>I am very sorry you are having to go through this. Post #19 has great advice.<br>
Please get family counselling for you and your parents and other siblings. I have heard of many families torn apart by the mormon cult and its brainwashing, (I unfortunately live in the midst of it all) and it’s a very sad thing. If that is indeed the reason your brother has gone as far as he has, there is nothing you can do but work on healiing the crisis within the rest of the family. Hopefully he will come to his senses and come back to your family. But if he gets married under these circumstances, it could be a very long-lasting rift. Your family needs to pull together and support each other, and get help.
I’m so sorry. Good Luck.</p>
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<p>Bengalmom, you’re right on the scene, but aren’t there many shades and kinds of Mormonism, including a schism within that church? I am concerned not to paint this all with one big brush.</p>
<p>“I have classes with my brother and I know that I may taunt him or curse at him when I see him.”</p>
<p>I understand that you are extremely upset, and you have a right to be. But if this is the way you deal with conflict (ie taunting or cursing) in your family, I can see where the trouble started. Taunting and cursing will do nothing but drive your brother further away. It will be very hard but you need to bite your tongue and treat your brother as normally as you can when you see him at school.</p>
<p>It sounds like there is a serious lack of communication all around. Apparently your brother felt he was not going to be listened to, so he left. </p>
<p>I agree with other posters that the best course of action, difficult though it may be, is to give things a few days so everyone can calm down. Your brother is in no immediate physical danger - he has a place to stay (presumably safe), food, etc, so there is no need to panic.</p>
<p>Why did your parents feel so strongly that your brother should chose Clemson over Miami of Ohio? Why does your brother feel so strongly the other way? The gf sounds like a possibility on his end, but is there something your parents object to about M.of O.?</p>
<p>After things calm down, it sounds like some FAMILY counseling is in order for all of you. Perhaps then everyone can see why the other party felt as strongly as they did, and some communication and compromise can be reached.</p>
<p>If the parents aren’t paying, why do they get to choose which college he attends? Is Miami cheaper?</p>
<p>I feel so sorry for you, Jlsniff. </p>
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<p>I would spend some time reflecting on how I contributed to the situation and also spend some time trying to understand his perspective and I would write him a letter owning my part and apologizing for anything I would have done differently. I would also express my understanding of his perspective as well as any lack of understanding on my part and asking him to propose a reconciliation he could live with. I would assure him that I love him and, despite what he may think, have acted, however wrongly, out of love for him and concern for his future. I would further assure him that I will continue to love him and work with him toward a mutually respectful and agreeable reallignment of our relationship. All of this would be done with heart-wrenching anquish and remorse on my part.</p>
<p>I echo the advise of the others who suggest counseling. Like you, I am non-religious, so please believe me when I tell you Mormonism is not the problem. It may be complicating your family’s perception of the problem, but it is not the problem and until your family lets go of the idea that it is they are unlikely to address the real issues.</p>
<p>For heaven’s sake, don’t be pushing your brother any further away with snide remarks at school. You wouldn’t have asked for help if you didn’t want to be part of the solution; don’t be part of the problem.</p>
<p>Lots of good advice here so far. People in love don’t always make the best long-term decisions with respect to choosing colleges, but it’s not the end of the world if he goes elsewhere. If your brother does well the first year of college and the relationship fizzles, he’ll always have the opportunity to transfer to another college later.</p>
<p>I agree with others who have suggested backing off and giving your brother some space. I don’t think Mormonism is the issue here. While not a Mormon myself, I know a number of Mormon families, and one common trait among them is supporting family ties and responsibilities. I can’t imagine them condoning such behavior as your brother exhibited. Chances are, his gf’s family only knows what your brother has told them, so who knows what assumptions are driving their behavior?</p>
<p>All things pass. Since confrontation clearly isn’t working, I would recommend letting him go his way, and work towards reconciliation further down the road. Good luck to you and your family.</p>