When we frame everything as a danger kids lose the ability to trust their instincts to differentiate between real danger and faux.
When one of my kids was around 11 or 12 there was a report in my town that a person in a car had stopped a child and spoken with them in a way that seemed suspicious. Parents and kids were asked to be on the lookout for this person in a white sedan. For the next week every time my child saw a white car she was convinced it was a kidnapper. I had to sit her down and have a conversation after she and her friend came screaming through the door having abandoned their walk in fear of a man on the street. From the description it was clear it was our neighbor out walking the dog.
This is not to say that the white car warning wasn’t useful or appropriate. It was both, but the kids in town had obsessed over it to the point where it was likely they were ignoring other dangers (e.g., running across the street) out of fear.
I think the same can be said of physical challenges. I once taught a child who was convinced that she could not handle the simplest physical task because she was petite and had been told repeatedly that she was too small to do certain things. She had been bubble wrapped by her parents to the point where fear of scraping her knees kept her from running on the playground and she wouldn’t use the climbing structure. Once we convinced her she wouldn’t break she enjoyed doing these things with the other kids very much.
This explains a lot about why today’s high school students are such a fearful, anxious and depressed generation. Overemphasizing remote risks and disempowering them from age appropriate tasks has sent the clear message the world is a super scary place that they aren’t capable of navigating.
You know what must breed fear and anxiety in students of all ages? Learning how to go into lockdown mode in school for active shooter scenarios. I sure didn’t have to deal with that when I was that age. Blows my mind that this is just a matter of course for today’s kindergartners. Sometimes the boogeyman is real.
But we did have the threats of a Soviet attack, annihilation, and practice going into the school basement to hide.
Disabling anxiety only sometimes has obvious causes. And there are lots of forms. It’s not always about parents imposing restrictions, for whatever reason.
Nor do I think cautious parents are automatically to blame for what surfaces later. Parenting is a tough job.
One quote from the article is, “…recommends that parents repeatedly encourage independence in small, lower-stakes situations, like having children start homework on their own, do the dishes or choose a gift for a friend. While dishes and other chores may just seem like duties, they are also moves toward independence: Children need these skills, and the sense of mastery they engender, to become self-sufficient adults…” That’s different from whole hog assuming either that they’re fully capable or minimizing potential problems. It includes awareness.
The fact a hot stove is as hot today as it was in our youth doesn’t mean we stop teaching them not to touch it.
@hanna I agree with you about disabling anxiety in kids. But the seatbelt? I was in a roll over and when the car finally stopped rolling I was hanging by the seatbelt. It saved my life. @doschicos I think lockdowns are ridiculous. I have told the kids if there is an active shooter situation run like hell. The stupidest thing in the world is a bunch of people crouched together waiting for the police to respond. I’m sad that my kids even have to think of this. The mental health situation of so many teens is pretty apparent before they kill others. When a kid tells someone or posts on Facebook that they have a plan to kill people they should not be allowed in school. They need help and it should be provided. Many times the parents have tried to get help and none was available. Put in metal detectors and an officer if needed. And do not publish the perpetrators name. THat’s exactly what they are looking for 15 minutes of fame. Geez. Some kids are really worried about school shootings because they are watching this all day long on TV or the parents talk about it frequently. We’ve talked about the shootings as they happen then move on. Very little anxiety in my kids in this regard. Though I know if there was a shooting nearby that would change.
No one mentioned guns. When my kids were little, I asked parents who were having playdates if they had guns. Many said yes. One kid had a gun that was kept under the bed! We had to go into great detail about this with our kids including locks and safety mechanisms. I’m less worried now that kids are older. But I wouldn’t let my kids into a home with guns unless I trusted my kids, the parents and the other kid 100%. I think many bubble wrap type parents might not allow it at all. But are they even asking about it?
Those with a genetic predisposition towards anxiety are likely to develop it regardless of parenting style. But the alarming increase in teen anxiety noted over the last 10 years by mental health experts and college officials is more likely caused by other factors.
Maybe the media does put more bad news under their noses than when we were younger.
But the fact we’re more aware of “anxiety” now doesn’t make it a new phenomenon.
I have to add, it gets a bit wearisome that parents are so often the focus of blame. Life is complicated. We don’t have as much control over outcomes as we’d like. I don’t think it crushes a kid to be walked to a play date. It would be refusing all play dates or normal interactions that could crush.
Mental health experts claim they were well aware of anxiety in 2008. I really don’t think it was the dark ages of mental health and that we are only now diagnosing it. On a personal level, I am consistently surprised at the difference in parenting standards between my kids and their cousins, who are 10-15 years older. Activities that were routine for high school juniors (attend a theme park unsupervised, take a taxi) in 2005 generate disbelief among some today.
The anxiety is real. When I grew up I don’t remember any kids having anxiety. Maybe they did but it wasn’t apparent. Also kids where I grew up had parents who were trying to pay the rent and put food on the table. There was a lot going on just paying the bills so there was less emphasis on the kids wants.
In my current neighborhood, there are lots and lots of kids with anxiety and depression. Some visit the school psychiatrist every day. Some talk about or have tried suicide. Others have their own therapists. Most of the parents of these kids also have related issues so maybe it’s genetic. Or maybe they are passing on their fears etc.
Many of the kids who have depression in our school have generalized issues about not feeling accepted which they talk about frequently. They are very open about being diagnosed as depressed. Their parents talk about it also.
Personally, I have no idea what is going on, but something certainly is.
There are places where high school juniors can’t go to theme parks unsupervised?!
I’m not sure if I think the anxiety is caused by being bubble-wrapped as much as it is by other issues - perfectionism and higher expectations and competition, more connectivity but less community, overscheduled lives, etc.
The fear and anxiety I’ve seen in students has little to do with fear of physical risks, even school shootings which they seem to bear with a weary bravery. It’s not from bring bubble wrapped. It’s much more created by being told “you must get great grades and " find a passion ( at 14!)” and " show leadership in ec’s" and " show resilience" and " tell us what makes you special" or you won’t get into a good school so that you can get a good job. And for g-d sakes never let up. Even if you’ve gotten into that great school keep your nose to the grindstone or they might take it all away from you ( with the implication that this means A’s dropping to be B’s when really that won’t be a problem at all)
^Yeah, I’m sure that’s true, but I know it wasn’t in our daughter’s case. She was kid #3 - I didn’t even check her grades online. She was a good student, but not a top one. She seemed to put a lot of pressure on herself (hmm, I wonder who she got that from…).
@MaineLonghorn Often that pressure isn’t coming from parents at all. It’s the school or peers even ( whose families are putting that pressure on them) or things they see in the news.
I think some of it is the schools very focus on anxiety. Every time anything bad happened at school the reaction was that “we need to talk about this”, “come together”, have assemblies to discuss feelings. Go to the school therapist .
The result was that a student felt that they were SUPPOSED to feel bad and react in a certain way or be labeled as a lesser person. Honestly kids are pretty resilient and when they “move on” they don’t need to be kept stewing on the negative by well-meaning adults.
I also don’t think kids have enough unstructured time in their days to discover what it’s even like to be alone with themselves.
@maya54, that makes sense. And this makes me remember what my middle son’s counselor said one time. “It’s not what you’re saying directly, but it’s IMPLIED. You and your husband are both engineers. Your dad is a professor. Your husband’s parents were both physicians…” Oh, right. Not much I can do about the family history at this point.
I think there is an unfortunate tendency in society to assume that unless parents do everything right, our children are subject to all sorts of crippling syndromes. I remember reading several articles about how parents need to praise their children, but not too much or it would damage their self esteem. How exactly is a parent supposed to know the exact right amount to praise? I can’t imagine trying to self analyze every time I want to say “good job” or “I’m proud of you” to my kid. The conversation about bubble wrap is similar. Protect your kids, but just the exact right amount or we will create all kinds of disastrous anxiety.
How anxiety producing for the parents! Our kids are not that fragile, they will survive being slightly over or under protected. No one is really advocating letting the kids run with scissors. The kids will be fine and those that do develop crippling anxiety or depression will probably not be able to trace the cause back to having to cross the street with an adult. Kids need to know they are loved, valued and supported and if they have that, they can survive all kinds of crazy parenting and more than a few parental mistakes.
This whole discussion also misses the fact that we all have different kids who need different amounts of protection. Someone once told me that your kids teach you how to parent them. Its really true. I have three daughters. They have all needed different amounts of support and autonomy. I’m a girl scout leader for a troop of 6 year olds. My kids run the gamut from the girl who I wouldn’t trust to be able to go to the bathroom on her own, to the old soul who could probably run the troop capably in my absence.
Mental health folks have been aware of anxiety more than just ten years. We (and our parents) grew up with kids who were shy/nervous or just outwardly quiet, who had stage fright or test fright got the willies when they needed to explain themselves. Or just plain worried about things, merited or not. Or had nightmares, and on and on. And sometimes it could manifest as interfering with life, sometimes crippling.
We had terms like “performance anxiety,” even then. In college, we had that wonderful phrase, “free floating anxiety,” which was anytime the butterflies in our stomachs showed up for no apparent reason, and stuck more than a moment
But it wasn’t seen as a major everyday syndrome in every single person who experienced it. There wasn’t a pervasive label. I don’t remember widespread surveys asking if we were “anxious.” Sure, Freud had explanations. Back then, we acknowledged phobias. We were aware of PTSD. But diagnoses had a higher bar than ordinary worries or fears.
I don’t minimize any of this- my D2, the one who was more independent and competent as a child, the one I could trust to be aware, has anxieties that recently cropped up again. She’s well educated on how this works, the relationship to depression, avoidance and more. She was loved, comforted, encouraged and tested, but not bubble wrapped (not our family style.)
But I think there’s an issue when we play with the diagnosis, assume any kid “worried” about college or the next exam is painfully fragile.