Building a life away from siblings/parents/other family -- is it worth it?

Parent Cafe
41

For me, family is everything.

Each of my 4 siblings lives within 45 minutes of each other and of my mom.

Technology is wonderful. But it’s not the same as being there. When my dad died 12 years ago, we were all there. Not just for the last day, but for the days leading up to it. We were able to get mom to where she needed to be while someone else was home with dad.

When mom moved from an apartment to a Coop in a Senior community a few days ago, we were all there. Not virtually, but in person, helping her pack and unpack, making the bed, cleaning out the bathroom, stocking her fridge and her pantry.

I’ve done a decent amount of traveling, and love it. But I always come back home. For me, family is home. No job offer, no cheaper cost of living, no other perks will replace the ability to be with the people I love when I need to be there.

I know lots of people feel differently, and that’s great for them. But for me, the cost of building a life too far from my family would be one I’m simply unwilling to pay.

42

I think family togetherness is overrated.

My kids have three cousins who are 1,3 and 5 years older and who live in the same general geographic area. But so what? Their family is just very different from ours in how they spend their free time and what they value. The girls were never going to call my D and invite her out to a girls’ lunch and shopping. The boy was never going to call my son and suggest shooting a few hoops or whatever. We enjoy one another well enough when we are together, but I don’t know that either of us would have chosen the other as friends. Nothing bad, just different interests. It would have been absurd to think we’d all be clapping for one another at sports events or plays. Just because we are biologically related doesn’t mean anything.

Otoh I’m close to my sister - far closer than H is to his - but I would have chosen her as a friend and vice versa if we weren’t related.

43

“Keeping up by social media, telephone or text is not the same as family dinners.”

As young marrieds, my inlaws invited us to weekly family dinners. It was well meant but in hindsight too much. We needed our own space.

44

I actually have both scenarios in my family. Three grown-up siblings with two kids each (all kids born within 10 years). Two live close to each other and the parents. The other one lives a flight away.

The two grown-up siblings don’t like spending time with each other and don’t. Their kids are not entirely similar and are not best buds, however, growing up together they seem to have benefited from having each other. I am one of the kids here.

The family that lives a flight away is living, by all accounts, a rich and fulfilling life. However, they are an island, and when one of their kids fell apart, there was lack of support nearby. I have to wonder if things would have been different for them here.

45

Well honestly I don’t always believe that family is a help and not a hindrance.

46

I don’t think there’s any “Always” in this kind of a conversation.

But for us, being geographically close is the type of life I want. The economic or other perks of moving would be offset by the cost it would require.

For others, a bit of distance is preferable.

47

My husband and I both grew up with fathers in the military. Being far from family was our normal. My husband has family in 5 different states and I have family in 3 more. I do wish my kids could have grown up near their 1st cousins but then again we missed quite a bit of family drama not living near them and I’m happy about that. My parents do live in the same city as us so my kids have grown up with some family around.