<p><a href=“http://rosalindwiseman.com/2010/10/04/the-new-bullying-trifecta-the-tragedy-of-tyler-clementis-suicide/[/url]”>http://rosalindwiseman.com/2010/10/04/the-new-bullying-trifecta-the-tragedy-of-tyler-clementis-suicide/</a></p>
<p><a href=“Redirecting...”>Redirecting...;
<p>Talk to your teens? It starts much younger than that. It starts in the sandbox.</p>
<p>^^^^ Agreed. Teaching compassion needs to be encouraged at an early age. I believe that compassion is innate in children, its practice needs to be encouraged. Bullying is learned behavior.</p>
<p>Great post, fogfog-- while I’m sick about Tyler Clementi and others, I do feel a conversation about bullying has finally begun in this country and that we need to keep it going. </p>
<p>When my daughter was suffering from bullying two years ago, I spoke to the school principal and though well-meaning, he had no sense of how to help. We live in Massachusetts, so Phoebe Prince was the wake-up call here. At the beginning of this year it was clear that our school principal had awakened and was beginning to start to work against bullying in earnest. My daughter is fine now, though she’ll never forget what happened and I’m sure she will always be hesitant to make friends-- but I am so grateful that the school and the state are beginning to look for some ansers.</p>
<p>I DON’T think criminalization is the answer-- in fact I think that it’s counterproductive, as full of hatred and cruelty as the bullying itself. I do think we need to take a step back and consider what values we pass on to our kids. Do we denigrate those whose beliefs are different than ours? Do we tease our kids and tell them to toughen up when we upset them? In the years of adolescence when they grappling with friendship and social life and all the ups and downs that brings, they fall back on the worst things they’ve learned. I find it hard to look at the picture of Dharun Ravi without revulsion-- but he’s an 18 year old boy, who will live with this for the rest of his life. We have so much to learn as a society-- maybe we can begin here.</p>
<p>The sad thing is that they used to say bullies had self esteem issues–low self esteem etc…And now the researchers realize that bullies think too highly of themselves and too little of others.</p>
<p>I have met adult bullies–sadly bullies in a playground in elementary school very often grow up to be that way as adults… Its not pretty.</p>
<p>This is a program our school does in 9th grade. After volunteering one year, I highly recommend it. </p>
<p>[Challenge</a> Day - Challenging You to Be the Change](<a href=“http://www.challengeday.org/]Challenge”>http://www.challengeday.org/)</p>
<p>For boys, I recommend weight training and boxing lessons.</p>
<p>I will go a step further, and make the point it isn’t just about teaching, it is how we as parents behave. Ask anyone who knows about child development, and they will tell you that children often pick up a lot more from the way a parent behaves, the subtle clues and body language, then they do from what we say, in effect, attitudes and behavior are caught, not taught. If you teach one thing, and do another (do as I say, not as I do), there is a good chance that the child will model what you do. I will also add that kids learn empathy and respect when they are treated like that, based on my own experiences most of the kids that were bullies when I was growing up, or the ones I see as an adult, are kids who when I saw the families they came from it was pretty easy to see why (obviously, sometimes there are other issues, I am talking about common reasons, not all). </p>
<p>The other answer is people have to get off this notion that somehow bullying is normal, that ‘kids have survived bullying for years’, or that bullying is part of “kids will be kids”, it isn’t, and there is nothing beneficial about bullying, it doesn’t help someone grow up, and saying ‘grow a thick skin, you are going to need it’ is lame, because that is dismissing the very real consequences of it. When I was in high school, a kid ended up shooting a classmate to death and it turned out the kid, who was small and slight, had been bullied and finally cracked (not excusing what he did), and as a result two kids lives were ruined. School administrators for years had the attitude like it was normal behavior, or nothing they could do, and there needs to be zero tolerance there.</p>
<p>Just as bad is the trend to recognize that the bully has been bullied, and out of sympathy dismiss what the kid did with “well, they are a victim, too”. Yes, that is true, and the bullier needs help, but that is not grounds to dismiss what they have been doing, either. There needs to be zero tolerance with bullying, if a kid is found to be a bully, they should have the chance to work on their issues, but if it continues then there needs to be consequences for it. </p>
<p>And while I don’t think someone should be sent to jail for being a bully, I think if someone is a bully and their action leads to dire consequences, that they should be help responsible for what happens. If someone is an alchoholic and drives drunk, they have to pay the penalty for the consequences, whether it actually harms someone or not; if someone is a bully, and their bullying leads to a negative consequence, unless the bully is found to be mentally incompetent, they should pay whatever penalty the law allows, otherwise society is telling the victims that they don’t matter. It has to be used sparingly, and with good reason, but it should be used. And given that the impact of bullying is made worse by things like twitter and other net based technology, it has only gotten worse. </p>
<p>I think one of the things I have found most sad in recent cases like the kid at Rutgers, or where the girl in Mass killed herself because of cyber bullying, is people arguing that those that perpetuated the bullying had no culpability, that ‘thousands of kids are bullied and don’t commit suicide, these kids were already mentally ill, etc, they should grow a thick skin, an so forth’. What they miss is a very basic fact, that it is likely that had they not been bullied, the kid wouldn’t have killed themselves. That would be like arguing that a group of kids who knowingly smeared peanut butter on a kid who was allergic to peanuts and the kid died from an allergic reaction, were not guilty because it was the fault of the kid for being sensitive (and even if they didn’t know, they could be held liable, since smearing peanut butter on the kid was not exactly something they should have been doing in the first place).</p>
<p>One thing I have noticed is that parents of bullys are very defensive and they will not take responsiblility nor do they teach accountability to their kids…
It is “caught” not taught so to speak…</p>
<p>It is a huge huge problem even in the best schools–I have not been surprised to read about it even in the “finest” boarding schools…so its not a class/economic thing at all</p>
<p>Time after time, bullies go after vulnerable kids. Parents of these kids are the (only) ones who try to help their kid because the popular kids (and their popular parents) have a laissez-faire attitude. In my experience, everyone seems to revere these super-confident, attractive, popular parents who allow their kids to get away with their delinquent behavior.</p>
<p>I believe what needs to change is the movement away from allowing kids to continue and it starts by speaking with those parents. (I’m hoping they’re not even aware of what their kid is doing, but more likely, it’s the parents who need parenting). It won’t make you popular, but you’ve saved that bullied kid from a lifetime of self-doubt.</p>
<p>I recall when (in 1997) a bully pushed my son into a library cart and my son got into trouble for knocking down all the books. His mother said to me, “Take my son; I can’t control him.” (Like it was a joke.)</p>
<p>after years of watching the neighbors kid and his friends abuse my son I finally broke and called his mother. Mother states" your kid needs to suck it up" and “I can’t watch my kid twenty four seven”</p>
<p>She was/ and is a teacher in our school system. I was…speechless.</p>
<p>My son’s all grown up now and will even wave to these neighbors. I, on the other hand, can’t stand to look at them.</p>
<p>I was told that there’s rarely a point in talking to the parents-- they’re part of the problem. And it really does seem true. A kid at the school I work for was disciplined (mildly) for bullying last year and the mother started trying to bully the school! Months of phone calls to every teacher and half the parents, the DOE etc. It was interesting to see the dynamic in action-- and also pretty frightening. And this was an upper middle class family. </p>
<p>“Suck it up” indeed. Has anyone in history ever told someone bigger and more powerful to “suck it up”?</p>
<p>Bullied boys have a terrible time because most school administrators either don’t know how to make it stop (and often make it worse) or are too afraid to rock the boat by calling the bully’s parents.</p>
<p>After becoming fed up with our school administration’s ineffectiveness, I called the bully’s parents, and said that if the bullying didn’t stop, I would continue to complain and complain and complain about the bully until he was expelled. The bullying stopped the next day and has not resumed. The reason this worked is because the parents were highly-educated types who expected the same of their son, so of course they didn’t want his college admissions chances jeopardized. It might not work with a kid who doesn’t have college as a goal.</p>
<p>I taught my kids that not only was it not okay to bully, but if they saw someone being bullied and did nothing about it, they were also culpable. Bullying is done for the “benefit” of the audience of other kids. If the other kids come down on the side of the victim, it stops pretty quickly.</p>
<p>One time a friend of one of my kids was bullying a girl. I went to the mother and said, “You should know that _______ is doing the mean girl thing to so and so. I just thought you’d want to hear it from a freind.” She said, completely distraught, “I know. It’s awful. But I don’t want to say anything because I don’t want her to become a target.”</p>
<p>End of story. </p>
<p>I’m convinced that parents know.</p>
<p>I have one who would have been a target for bullying, I’m convinced, just because she’s the type, but she was really off-beat and oblivious and, fortunately, beautiful, through no fault of her own. I have another who could have very easily become a bully. One time a mother called to tell me something she’d done, which was really not okay with me, and I made her go to the house and apologize, and make reparations. It wasn’t an easy week for her, at all.</p>
<p>Of course, all of this was looooong before high school. By high school, I think it’s pretty late in the game.</p>
<p>poetgirl, Interesting point. From what I understand, parents would rather have their kids to bully than be bullied if those two were the only choices.</p>
<p>
I disagree. I think kids need to learn to NOT bully.</p>
<p>At our local HS, bullying is hidden behind group behavior. Homecoming King and Queen elections are a good example. </p>
<p>A few years ago, Admin thought they would open up opportunities for kids outside the “Popular” group by limiting an individual to one time on a dance court. They also opened up the election and allowed kids to vote for anyone in their grade - no one actually had to run for the position. What has happened is that the class bullies use this system to pick on someone by gang vote. </p>
<p>This year, one boy who is generally considered by the “populars” to be effeminite (he is a very nice kid, very involved in music and theater) was voted in and paired with the most popular girl in school. The buzz was that the popular jock guys did this to harass the girl. This girl refused the position, and the 1st runner up girl also declined the position - both told friends they wouldn’t be photographed with this boy or be seen dancing ith him. All of this got back to the boy; needless to say, he was devastated! Administration finally allowed him to pick a girl and she was not allowed to refuse. </p>
<p>The administration has expressed shock that the kids would do this - I hate to be the one to enlighten them, but this has been going on for at least 4 years (since eldest DD started there)! Adults in charge (including parents) refuse to see this stuff - unless it is a fist fight or outright case of harassment or abuse (or in this case, public humiliation) they don’t want to believe it is happening.</p>
<p>I agree.</p>
<p>I think the important thing is to be honest about your own kids. When I heard my daughter had done what she had done, which, quite honestly, was very mild, really, but involved a sensitive girl (This was 3rd grade, btw) I didn’t say, “Not my kid.” I didn’t say, “Oh, honey, don’t do things like that anymore.” I said, “This is unacceptable.” I made her take responsibility and I made her make reparations, which included asking both the girl and the mother “what can I do to make this better?”</p>
<p>In the end, she turned out to be a big champion of the underdog, and has actually been commended, over the years, for her ability to get the other kids to “get along.” She is a powerful personality and she isn’t easily hurt emotionally. She genuinely would have thought it was really funny if somebody had done the exact same thing to her that she did to this other little girl. To her it was just friendly teasing. Not everyone experiences things the same way.</p>
<p>My other one would have been devastated by that kind of thing.</p>
<p>We have to be honest about our kids and help them to understand their blindspots. with the other one, I had to teach her not to take things as personally and to understand that some of the things she experienced as “mean” were things she was going to have to learn not to “take in.”</p>
<p>YMMV</p>
<p>We had a problem with a bullying 2nd grader. When they talked to her Mom she thought her daughter was acting like a leader. Uh no…</p>