I’m sure this happens a lot given crowded lives. A cousin’s daughter is getting married next spring. It will be the first family get together in a long time. Unfortunately, the date conflicts with a competition that my sister will be preparing for all year with a singing group. (Not professionally, just for fun).
My advice was to attend the wedding. The singing group is a new thing. The women are just acquaintances. If the singing is a hobby, then practicing is fun and the competiton does not really matter.
OTOH, the wedding may be the last time all the family gets together given the age of aunts and uncles. And our cousin would be insulted if my sister did not attend. This is a cousin we are close to.
How have you all handled conflicts like this? What priorities are important?
Yes, she asked and I told her to attend the wedding. There will be a singing competition the next year.
If this was her bread and butter, that would be different. I totally understand not attending a wedding the same weekend as that important trade convention that accounts for most of one’s yearly income, for example.
We always had a family rule of the first event on the calendar got the priority, but with discretion.
For some cousins, I might forego the singing event. For others, ‘hey I have a conflict’.
A few years back I was waiting for dates for a close family friends’ child and a cousin’s child who were getting married the same month. I preferred to attend the friend event as I was closer to that child than the family member.
In the end, they were different weekends.
Also agree with Marian. If she has made the commitment to a group of people, what happens to their participation if she drops out? In my opinion, it doesn’t matter whether or not this is a paid event, a hobby, or a job. A commitment made should be honored, especially if there is an obligation to other people.
If your sister is a non-essential, non-front row chorus member in a 40-person Sweet Adelines group, I’d feel comfortable picking the wedding. But she should tell them now. If she is a member of a 10-person acapella group–or smaller!–she needs to either go to the competition or tell her friends now so that they can replace her ASAP.
It doesn’t matter if she doesn’t get paid: she’s making a commitment to the other people.
The only compromise I can think of is if the whole singing group is invited to the wedding and they sing there instead of at their competition. Otherwise, your sister should honor her commitment to her group if her participation is crucial to the group.
Oh my… I thought this would be easy but since I’m part of a chorus that does the competition thing…I need to give the flip side of the coin…
Competition (depending on the chorus) can be a total focus for the year. Or even 18 months. Some times you only get to actually compete every other year. So it could be a two year wait to even get another chance at the competition stage for your sis. Just depends. And get a medal around the neck which may sound petty to some but means a lot when you’ve worked hard on your skills. It can be a worse scenario since many times a very competitive chorus doesn’t want non-competing members singing with them in the final stages before competition since they are focused on balancing sound. You may by default (not that they don’t love you as a person) end up outside the chorus sitting on the sidelines–sort of a “come back and join us after competition”.
Even if you are in a non-competitive chorus, the competition weekend can be REALLY special especially for NEW members… You meet so many people and make so many new friends. It probably means MORE to a new person than a seasoned singer in the chorus. It’s a right of passage. Think of pajama party and stories. A great friend making opportunity that is hard to duplicate. With lots to learn.It can be a major bonding experience.
My advice is to let your sister make her own choice with no repercussions from you. She is balancing a one day affair versus a year’s worth of work and the camaraderie of new friends.
Can’t decide from here on priorities. I’d be there for a sister but then she’d know better than to schedule a wedding during competition!
And you aren’t even talking the cousin–it’s the cousin’s daughter.
Post 2–“If this was her bread and butter, that would be different. I totally understand not attending a wedding the same weekend as that important trade convention that accounts for most of one’s yearly income, for example.”
TatinG–What you (and others) may not understand is that making new connections and enlarging a network of friends may be MORE important than ANYTHING to do with money and yearly income.
Think of it as a yearly allotment of friends.
I see all your points. It’s choosing the new friends in the singing group over a life-long cousin (and dear friend) who recently beat cancer. It’s sister’s decision to make of course. It’s the cousin’s only daughter. It will be a family gathering. Sister risks insulting the cousin since cousin gave an 18 month advance notice of this wedding! Sister might have texted back that she would attend BEFORE she realized the conflict. I think the new friends in the singing group would not mind one less at the competition.
I lived a lot of my life doing what was expected of me rather than what I really wanted to do in terms of family events. I found after many years that although I attended these functions, the family did not reciprocate with equal affection, effort etc. when it came to functions that involved me, my H or D. They really could not care to be bothered. At some point I decided that doing what I needed to do for me, my H or D was more important than being guilt tripped into seeing these other relatives so I stopped attending. So over the years choices came up and some of the relatives complained when we made a different choice. Not that they really missed us, just that we did not play the part that they wanted, which to me felt like being an “extra” in someone else’s movie rather than a co star in my own. Perhaps if I had felt differently about the relatives I would have done differently. There was no closeness or feeling that they cared for us anyway.
I would tell sis to figure out what is right for her life. It may be the singing. It may not. Maybe she really wants to see the relatives, and maybe it is just an obligation. The hard part would be if she really wanted to be both places equally.
Yes, I think its the latter. She really wants to do both.
I’ve had to skip weddings and funerals because (1) I was moving to a new job or (2) pregnant and unable to travel. These were not hard choices to make. I think people forgive not attending a funeral more readily since they are (usually) very last minute.
But weddings and graduations that are long planned are different.
Is there a way to spend some quality time with the cousin perhaps after the wedding? In my experience, you don’t really get a lot of chance to chat it up,with the wedding hosts or wedding couple AT the wedding.
Well…if you were going to make that X country trip for the wedding…maybe it could be done at a different time.
My kid has a wedding conflict. She can’t go to her BFF’s wedding because she is in another wedding the same day that was planned first. My kid just came here special to see that friend. I mean really…she would have come to the wedding…so she just made a special plan to come at a different time…because she can’t be at two weddings at the same time.
I think though in TatinG’s case the issue is not just the cousin and daughter, but the total family gathering, which apparently isn’t that common and includes older generation who might not make another.
I can understand each point of view. I just do think that it sounds like a not-easily replaceable experience.
Tatiin–“I think the new friends in the singing group would not mind one less at the competition.”
BINGO! BUT think In REVERSE! THAT’S the major part of the equation.
The singing group will forgive her absence and welcome her back! All is well with the group!
But your.SISTER minds being left out in a big way. It is NOT about hurting a group. They’ll be around.
It’s about forging new friendships for HER. Being part of a great group. Joining a team. Networking on a very personal level and the opportunity doesn’t come around that often. Less often for some people than a cousin’s daughter’s wedding.