<p>I’m sorry to jump into the parent’s forum, but I’d really appreciate some advice concerning my parents. I’m currently a junior in HS, and I feel the time has come to start talking about college to my parents. The problem is, every time the subject of leaving home comes up, my mom completely shuts down. She refuses to even think about the idea that I will be leaving the nest soon. She’s mentioned some colleges that I know are wrong for me, just because they are close to home.</p>
<p>I should mention that no one in my family was born here, we moved to the US about 8 years ago from a small country in Europe. Our culture of keeping kids very close to the family might have something to do with it, but this still does not explain my parents’ reaction when I metion college or living on campus.</p>
<p>So the question is, how can I convince my parents that I WILL NOT abandon them, or turn into a wild hippie? </p>
<p>Sorry for the long post, but this has been keeping me up for many a night now…</p>
<p>You could attend a college within 2 hours of home and live on campus. Promise that you would come home for a weekend --say once a month-- but are you sure this would be financially possible for your family? Are there places you would want to go within 150 miles? Tell them you need to learn how to be responsible for yourself and that sending you to college would be a way for you to learn how to relate to them as an adult daughter–not to continue being a child beyond childhood.</p>
<p>Here’s one thing you need to consider, and this will sound unfair, but: finances. If your parents will be paying for it, you may not have much of a choice. If you can’t convince them, then you may be stuck. Have your parents met with your GC or gone to any college nights? </p>
<p>And maybe play up the In America angle. You know what I mean. Talk about growth, and future and what a great job you can get from the schools you want to go to. Find someone in your community, church, that did go away to school and is still close to home. Is there any kind of group at your schools of choice that are affliliated to your country of origin? Is there someone who has been in your famly’s life since you got here that understands you and can carefully talk about it with your parents in a non confrontational way? </p>
<p>Another angle is that if you go to the school that has your interests and is better, than you will have better likelihood of being able to choose to stay nearer them when it comes to work because your degree will be worth more, blah blah blah…good luck…my daughter wants to do east coast (we are in california) my H isn’t so sure, but if its where she needs to be, than we are behind her</p>
<p>Thanks for the advice. Unfortunately, the problem isn’t with finances. My parents are willing to shoulder the burden, along with scholarships, aid, etc. I think the real problem is that they are afraid to let go. I know this is typical of all parents, but it seems to be an insurmountable fear for mine. </p>
<p>Other that U of Penn, which is very hard to get into, there are no other colleges that would allow me to stay at home and would be good fits for me. I think it’s unfair for them to ask me to give up the college experience (living on campus) because of their fear. </p>
<p>I wish I had a set of parents that were kicking me out the door…Thank you for your input, I will certainly think about playing up the This is America angle…</p>
<p>What I mean by finances is if they control the money, they can control the school. May seem harsh, but it can be a reality. If they won’t pay for you to go to an away school, then you must look at options. Can you convince them to travel to a school a few hours away for a weekend? Can you visit for a weekend by yourself?</p>
<p>Is there a way you can do a summer away program, like for two or three weeks, an immersion trip, anything where you can seperate a little, and perhaps get them used to the idea? Have you ever been to a camp, etc. where you were away for any lenght of time? Try to find something for spring break or for summer at your high school…worth a shot and maybe it will help your parents accept the idea, which I think is a good one for you as it sound like you have been doing research and know what you want to do!!!</p>
<p>If you live near Philly there are so many colleges, that I find it difficult to believe you can’t find a nearby fit. Are you looking at a very specific major? Also, if you stick to the train line or within 3-4 hours, that may loosen things up a bit. But what colleges that are so far away attract you and why?</p>
<p>I will certainly explore all those options. Perhaps they are just scared, and will loosen up when the time really comes to apply…I’ll be going through the process next year, and hopefully they’ll be comfortable with the idea by then.</p>
<p>Jamimom, </p>
<p>I plan on majoring in Pre-Law, and I have stats that could possibly get me into a very selective college. Yes, Philly does have many schools nearby, but not so near that it will be easy for me to live at home. The schools I truly want to go to are in the Mid-Atlantic and New England region.</p>
<p>Thanks again. Your advice is valuable because it is coming from parents.</p>
<p>Helix:
It takes time for parents to come to grip with the reality that their child will be leaving home.
Do your own research for schools that are a reasonable distance from home (eg. about a couple of hours); stress the "</p>
<p>I think a particular approach to college visits is the key.</p>
<p>Start with several schools of possible interest which are very near to your home (Swarthmore, Haverford, Lehigh, Lafayette, Villanova, Muhlenberg, St. Joe’s…). As you visit these, one would hope that certain of these schools really excite all 3 of you.</p>
<p>Here’s the key: Use the schools you identify, above, as the jumping-off point to identify additional schools which have the characteristics which excite you and your parents. These additional schools would not be quite so close, but at this point your parents have a greater chance of focusing on “what we’re looking for” in a school, instead of just distance.</p>
<p>Helix, There really are many many schools within 3 hours of you. (And, um , Pennsylvania IS a mid atlantic state) I would suggest that you take Jmmom’s list above, and add Bucknell, Dickinson, Gettysburg, Juniata (not well known but they have an excellent law school placement rate) and Franklin and Marshall. I would start off by researching one of the nearby schools like 'Nova and go with them for a college visit. By starting off close you may still be in their comfort zone. </p>
<p>If they will not budge, perhaps you can get another adult to intervene and let them know that they are not alone in wanting their child to stay close. Sometimes just knowing that you’re not the only one that feels a certain way helps. good luck!</p>
<p>Can your GC talk to them? Perhaps you and the GC could come up with a list and then the GC could tell them that such and such school would be a great fit, etc. Perhaps that would get them thinking about how to approach it other than from their perspective of wanting you close to home.</p>
<p>I will try your approaches, and hopefully, my parents will realize that the time for me to grow up is now. I don’t plan on moving a world away, but asking to live on campus at a college a couple of hours away is certainly a reasonable request. </p>
<p>Thanks again, not only for the advice, but for pointing out that I should take things slowly, and with care.</p>
<p>LOL, yes, a women’s college may strike them as safer, but I don’t think I’m willing to make that compromise, however…if things don’t work out like I want them to, I’ll certainly consider it</p>
<p>I’ve been researching colleges like Bucknell, Lehigh, Dickinson, Lafayette, etc, and I see some very real possibilities. They seem like great choices, and they’re only a couple hours away from home. </p>
<p>I’ve been getting bombarded with college brochures lately, and my mom actually sat down and looked through some of them. She also didn’t look alarmed…We may be on the verge of a breakthrough</p>
At the risk of making one of those “when you get older you’ll understand” statements…
helix, you will find that many people in your life (bosses, co-workers, husbands…) need time, not necessarily conscious time, to take in and warm up to new ideas. Maybe this is your first occurrence, but from your posts, I see a very caring and thoughtful young woman. I bet things will work out beautifully for you in this college choice process.</p>
<p>If your mom seems interested in the brochures, perhaps she will have a “breakthrough” if you and she tour some of the colleges you mentioned and she sees how nice they are. She may not even have a good image of what the colleges you might be going away too are actually like.</p>
<p>Helix, I understand your reluctance to consider a women’s college. But the thing is, a LOT of women now attending women’s colleges swore that they would never seriously consider a women’s college—that is, until they actually visited one. My Daughter is a prime example. Her first choice had been (If you can believe it) The Air Force Academy. She had spent part of the summer there in a program for prospective students and was gung ho about becoming an Air Force officer. However, that avenue closed when she was medically disqualified from attending any of the service academies. She applied to Bryn Mawr at the last minute after we sat down and discussed what it had to offer. To make a long story short, she is now a freshman there and LOVES IT! It’s not at all like living in a nunnery, dispite what many girls fear about the atmosphere of women’s colleges. And there ARE men around. Haverford and Swarthmore are nearby and both schools are in the TRI-College consortium, along with Bryn Mawr. But, living in Havertown, you probably already know all this. </p>
<p>In any case, I wish you the best of luck with the parents. It is terribly difficult to come to grips with the idea of letting go of our first born daughters (I’m assuming that’s the case in your household). But fortunately, your parents have several months to get use to the idea. It was not nearly as traumatizing as I imagined it would be when my D was a Junior. I’m very much at peace now, because I KNOW D is exactly where she should be. She’s happy, so her Dad and I are happy.</p>
<p>There are many excellent schools within a 2-hour drive of where you live. You are extremely lucky because many people live in areas in which there aren’t as many nearby college possibilities.</p>
<p>I went to college 2 1/2 hours away from home, and it definitely felt worlds away from home. Heck, going to college an hour away from home and living on campus still gives one lots of opportunity to develop independence. </p>
<p>Don’t assume that you must travel far away to have an optimal college experience.</p>
<p>jmmom, you bring up a very relevant point. I understand I have to give my parents time, especially my mom, with whom I have a very close relationship. I’ve been trying to take things slowly, and I too, believe that things will work out in the end. </p>
<p>Thanks a million. Your advice is invaluable, especially because you are a parent.</p>