D1 called me last week to inform that her BFF (met first day of freshman year in college) is calling off her wedding, which was to have been in June. D1 was going to be maid of honor and is heartbroken for BFF. It seems there wasn’t any cheating or any other major problem-- the fiancee just had a change of heart and didn’t feel he could go through.
Of course, besides the devastation for all involved, it will be an extremely expensive decision-- many nonrefundable deposits and purchases (custom dresses, etc.). Everyone says that it is cheaper than divorce, but still adds insult to injury.
This is the second time this month I’ve heard of a broken engagement pretty close to the wedding. Has anyone else experienced it? Any advice on how to handle/support a friend going through it?
That’s what my sister-in-law’s friends did when their daughter and finance postponed the wedding within a month of the date. The parents were very supportive of the couole’s decision and decided to continue with the party. Many guests could not change their travel plans, so they just re-purposes the plans.
I know there is a lot of expense involved (as we are now in the midst of planning one) but I also know that should our kids get cold feet, I would definitely prefer dealing with cancelling/re-purposing those plans than to weather a relationship that was on less than firm ground starting out just so we didn’t lose some money.
Emotionally, I am sure it is tough. My niece and her finance broke off their engagement in the midst of planning the wedding. It was very painful for her and it took quite awhile to
come to terms with it. But all you can do is support them and comfort them. We all believed she had dodged a bullet and she came to see that as well—even without us saying that. My daughter is very close to her cousin and was always there with a strong shoulder and support for her.
I am familiar with one person who did this, many many years ago. It really is for the best. If there are doubts, then they shouldn’t get married. They can both move on and have wonderful lives. It’s just a bump in the road, and no one should be embarrassed about canceling the wedding.
I agree that it’s always for the best, but in the moment it will not feel or seem that way.
My brother’s friend had fiancé call the wedding the night before. He had to pick up and pay for all the food. He married someone else and seems quite satisfied with how things turned out. He gave all the food away to friends who were going to have attended. I’m sure it was a big hit $$$$ but also glad no kids were involved.
Surely, it is MUCH better than messy, expensive divorces, but not comforting to think of.
Years ago, I was sorry I did not call off my wedding to my first husband. He had cheated on me with another man during our engagement, and I had begun to doubt my feelings for him even before we walked down the aisle. At the reception, I remember thinking my life was over and regretting what we had done. Of course, our marriage ended in divorce. It would have been horrible to call it off, but not doing so was many times worse. I am sorry for anyone having to face this decision.
I was going to be in the wedding of one of my closest college friends. They called it off as they were about to put the invitations in the mail. All of this was 40 years ago and she will tell you today that it was absolutely the right decision even though the timing wasn’t great. She’s so glad they didn’t go through with it. All you can do is support your friend. She and I ended up getting an apartment together and about a year later she met her future husband. They opted for a very small, simple wedding because she had no interest in going through all the preparation again and didn’t even want a wedding dress.
Okay, so this is more financial than emotional support, but there is actually a website called CanceledWeddings.com. Maybe they can recoup some of the costs. Sorry to hear your friend is going through this!
My advice for support would never, ever insinuate in any way that it was unkind, bad timing, unthoughtful…not even a smidgen. Do not talk about how nice the almost groom is, his feelings. The friend, to show true support right now, is to have unconditional sympathy and understanding with the bride. No matter her true feelings. The bride won’t ever forget that.
Four decades ago a coworker with whom I was close friends cancelled her wedding after a trip to the travel agent with him to discuss honeymoon plans. It was the right decision – the guy was bossy and demanding, from what I recall.
IMO it took a lot of guts for my friend to do this, as a big wedding had been planned and it was only a few weeks away.
Several years later I attended the wedding of her and the “right” guy for her. Lovely. They are now happily retired with kids and grandkids, whose pics I see on Facebook.
I suspect that had she not cancelled, she would not be so happy today.
I would always advocate for what will be best in the long run.
Just about a year ago with my DD 3.5 months out; her call, but significant trauma none the less.
Save the dates were out; instead of invites ‘postponed indefinitely’ notices were sent.
Not sure how much money was or wasn’t refunded; still haven’t asked her if she wants to save or sell her dress (it’s in my closet).
Since there were doubts, it was the right decision, IMO. And she agrees.
Yup I agree if either party is having doubts best to cancel but I agree a lot of unconditional support for the ex-bride to be. I do have to give credit to either party who does the cancelling. Too easy to push it off and divorces are never easy emotionally or financially.
A few years ago, there was a bride in Indiana I think, whose wedding was called off at the last minute. She invited a group of homeless people to eat the wedding banquet that had been paid for and would otherwise have gone to waste.
Better not to bad-mouth the groom or his family, or say that the bride is better off without him. People sometimes get back together, and then you would not be looking so good. Also, it implies that she makes bad decisions in partners.
One of my BFFs got engaged shortly after HS graduation. I was never that fond of her fiance and they were WAY too young but I wisely kept my mouth shut. He called it off a few months before the ceremony and my friend returned to college, finished her degree and ended up marrying a (IMO) nicer guy. Honestly I think she knew it was a mistake and was relieved.
Years ago, a co-worker’s fianace called off the wedding two days before the ceremony. This was before email or social media. Phone calls were made and a sign “Wedding of Bridename and Groomname cancelled” was posted on the church door. Literally.
She was devasted, hurt, embarrassed, you name it, she felt it. They continued the relationship and had additional premarital counseling. They did marry a year later. She said the relationship was stronger because of the additional time.
This happened to one of my best friends from law school. His fiancee told him she didn’t want to go through with the wedding Tuesday night before a Saturday evening wedding. It was completely devastating. He was 30, and she was the only serious girlfriend he ever had. They had been together a couple of years, and she had completely taken over his life – changed where he lived (in her house, at the time they broke up), his entire wardrobe, his diet, the way he spent time. He was head over heels for her. Not only did he have to spend a couple of days contacting his guest list and telling them not to come – and this was in the days before e-mail blasts; he did it by phone – he had to figure out where he was going to live.
It was an awful, cruel rejection . . . and probably less awful and cruel than if she had gone through with the wedding and kicked him out six months later. It worked out fine for him, of course. It’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all, and he fell in love again a few years later, with someone who stayed in love with him.
I had a cousin who took the other path. She was a world-champion dater – when we lived in the same city, I was always setting her up with young lawyers at my firm, and all of them got crushes on her, but none of them rang her bell. She was working in Atlanta, and she met a guy in New York who could not have been more perfect on paper. They dated long-distance for a year, vacationed together a few times, then got engaged, and she quit her job and moved to New York to be with him. They had an absolutely storybook wedding on Martha’s Vineyard in the fall – still probably the most beautiful wedding I have ever attended. Then, on the honeymoon, he couldn’t stop crying. It emerged that he had forgotten to tell her that he was in therapy three days a week, felt completely ambivalent about her, detested her family (with whom she was very close, including a twin sister), didn’t want to be married, and might be attracted to men. They broke off the honeymoon, came home, and she moved in with a sibling. It wasn’t cool. She would have much preferred it if he had been honest with her a few weeks earlier.
She and her twin had both gotten engaged at the same time, and planned to use the same wedding dress and chupah, six months apart. She had gone first. Her sister used the same dress and chupah anyway, even though that marriage was over long before her wedding. They weren’t cursed – the sister’s marriage has been great…
A young woman from our church dated her fiance throughout undergrad. A couple years out of college, they were engaged - the entire church was invited to the wedding. The week before the wedding, the fiance called it off. She was heartbroken, of course.
Another woman & I sat near her one afternoon as we waited to donate blood (always a long wait …). The young woman told us how sad she was, and we told her she was lucky. Sure, it was embarrassing for hundreds of church members and friends to know she got dumped. However, our contention was that it was better before than after.
Years later, she has been married to an amazing man for a number of years. Their first child died very suddenly when he was less than a year old. Their second child was not viable, but they didn’t know until halfway through the pregnancy. They weathered these tragedies together, and it brought them even closer together. Today, they have two terrific preteen sons.
Her life is wonderful. I think she probably now feels the fact that her first fiance called it off was a good thing. Life has a way of working out.
