Can anybody help me?

Parent Cafe
1

<p>I need some advie but I don’t fel comfrtable telling people I know.</p>

<p>I also really don’t know how to start this off. I had an excelelnat sophomore year, it was fun, great, exhilarating, etc. But this year has taken a spin for the worse. I mean, I am taking all AP’s, being that my school is an extrememly medicore high school. What’s really bugging me is the attotude of the people in all my classes. My shool is small, my class is about 250 kids, so consequentially all the GATE program kids (gifted and talented) have been in the same classes every year since 6th grade when I transferred here to 8th grade, FOr various reason I got on bad terms with them…but I’ve since changed. I was arrogant, annoying, everyone knew I cheated on tests, dichted, slept in class,and recived subpar grades. The medium smart-kids in the class got annoyed with me and the smart ones looked down upon me. When I got to high school, I changed. In the 9th grades and 10th grades, since there were no honors classes, and so i had this fresh image with all the other people. I also had many senior friends (actaully almost all seniors) and had so much fun,etc. </p>

<p>THen juior year comes along and I’m stuck with the EXACT same people as in my 6th, 7th and 8th grade classes. And although I’ve completey changed, they still igore me copletely. They all pride themseles on perfectionism, and think I’m this stupid @@shole and are contiouslly surprised when I recieve good grades.
I basically have the same people in my classes all the periods. THe exact ame peole from 6th, 7th and 8th grade.UGH!!! And worse of all this will hurt me in my college recs cuz the teachers I will have next year (certain teachers teach certain courses, being a small school, you know your schedule since 9th grade bascially) are all I-hate-my-job slackers, and so I will really need my junior year teachers to give me the recs. Problem is, these students think so low of me, all the time. And I happen to sit next to the SAME people ALL SIX classes and they blatantly ignore me on purposeand actually look down upon me,i guess it hurts becuase I will be stuck with the for the entire year and school has only been going on four weeks. </p>

<p>THey smushed all these kids together to kinda foster “togetherness in learning” which is all a bunch of uselessness cuz then it gets segrated to groups.</p>

<p>And btw, i’m not crazy/hopless/deviant if you know what i mean, I’m prefectly normal and they already have this prediposed idea of me that just bugs the hell out of me. It just hurts to be ignored by them on purpose for no reason other than I made bad impressions on them. it’s so rude and they still think I’m this useless wannabe who will go nowhere in life.They will go about cvarrying on their little conversations like I’m invisible. And when I won a big award they looked strangley at me. If it was for someone else, they would aways have clapped. And my body laguage and stuff isn’t suh that I’m a closed book, or angry all the time. I guess I need to stay strong cuase I only have a year and a half left of school before I send in the College apps. I am on good terms with all the other kids besides the GATE ones, but we don’t have any classes together and all my senior friends are in colllege. I am in clubs, etc, but out school again is really segregated and people only hang out wiht peole of their own race. </p>

<p>any advice?
Thank you guys so much for reading this super long post.
(sorry I know this sounds like Dr. PHil)</p>

2

<p>I’m sorry you’re feeling so frustrated! I wish I had the perfect answer for you, but internet is really not a good counseling method. There’s so much we don’t know from a single post, too. For one thing, it is hard for any of us to objectively portray ourselves. We may call ourselves “shy” for instance, where others would call us arrogant or stand-offish. This is where a counselor who knows you can help most. Or even a good friend (outside the group in question), assuming you are prepared to deal with honest answers. </p>

<p>I’m not meaning to imply there’s anything wrong with you. It possible that the biggest problem you face in this class is not a predetermined judgment, but friendships that have already formed years ago. If you have a small class, and many of the kids have been together for years, it just isn’t usual for kids your age to open up and welcome someone new – and even more so if there is a prior history discouraging it.</p>

<p>That doesn’t mean there is nothing you can do. Be a hard worker, above reproach. Be kind. Don’t whine. Don’t carry a chip. Don’t be judgemental – of your peers or your teachers. Whether or not it changes anything, you will be developing good habits that will serve you well in college and life.</p>

<p>It is a good attitude to take that “this, too, will pass.” Makes finding a good fit in college all that much more important. Concentrating on friendships outside your classes, and through extra-curriculars, is quite normal. Classes are “by chance” and many kids are separated from friends. Concentrate on the academics in class, and the social life elsewhere.</p>

<p>If something “ugly” happens – say a group project where the others refuse to work with you, or verbal taunts or insults – certainly ask the teacher for help. You have a right to learn without harrassment. </p>

<p>Stick it out. Learn from it. Look ahead. Sometimes the best education you get in school isn’t all spelled out on the transcript.</p>

3

<p>'It is a good attitude to take that “this, too, will pass.” '</p>

<p>Excellent advice, although it can be hard to see that perspective during the teen years. When I was in high school, I was very shy. Unfortunately, I found out later that many people thought I was just stuck-up. That wasn’t what I meant to portray, but it was what many felt. I basically had no friends during most of high school. I did have a group I sat with at lunch, but they never invited me to their get-togethers after school or during the weekend.</p>

<p>What got me through was the thought Binx expressed. My brother was accepted to Stanford when I was a freshman in high school, and that gave me a goal. I decided to work hard in high school so that I, too, could go to Stanford, where I would no longer be “the brain,” but just a regular person, and where I was sure I would finally find some real friends. High school was never a lot of fun for me, but I did finally make a couple friends my senior year, and I did make it to Stanford. (The exact school isn’t important here. I think I would also have done fine at a number of other colleges.)</p>

<p>Hang in there! Be the best person you can be. Perhaps in time the “group” will accept you. If not, keep remembering that you will be moving on to a place where there will be no preformed cliches when you arrive and you can find a group where you will be accepted for who you are.</p>

4

<p>incognita - I am really impressed by how you are thinking through and handling your situation. Realizing that “this too shall pass” is, as you and everyone are saying, a very good coping skill. Middle school and high school are just too cruel sometimes.</p>

<p>One thought I have - might there be <em>one</em> or <em>two</em> kids in your classes who could be a kindred spirit for you? That one person who also is put off by the mainstream attitude of the GATE group? If you are very perceptive, you might slowly identify and begin to bond with that person, making you less alone in your day-to-day classroom activities. Just an idea.</p>

5

<p>Lead by example.</p>

<p>You have to realize that you cannot change another person’s behavior, but you can change your own. You can change the dynamic of the relationship by changing your response to their behavior.</p>

<p>Promise yourself right now (since we know you are better than they are, after all you changed they haven’t) you will always treat them with courtesy and kindness. Make “thank you” a very frequent phrase in your conversation, even if you don’t really think they deserve it, even if you don’t find it particularly appropriate at the time, just say it. Take interest in them–people love to talk about themselves-- and listen to what they have to say. Never rise to the bait if they try to provoke you; say something cheerful and complementary in response. If someone says something nasty to you, try to turn it into a self deprecating joke, and laugh. If they try to drag you into an argument, just say “Oh?” They may try again, say “Oh?” Then “thanks, see you later” with a cheerful smile.</p>

<p>It has only been a couple of weeks of school. Don’t panic, and don’t give up. Try this one day at a time, and I’ll bet that the whole situation will be different in 3-4 weeks.</p>

6

<p>Something that you can do right now, is find something outside of the school to do. When you make friends in a class, a sport, a job, a volunteer project, you will be less frustrated and more content. That will show. You will become more confident with the new you, and even if those in your school, don’t appreciate it, you will know. The teachers and the staff are the ones that really matter anyway.</p>

<p>I can understand the frustration after turning yourself around. Eventually some will see it. Just be friendly, say hi, ask advice…it will get better, and if it takes awhile, if you are busy outside of school connecting with other kids, it won’t seem so bad.</p>

<p>As another mom pointed out, just do as well as you can, have a goal, and go for it. If you have matured, you are astep ahead.</p>

7

<p>thanks for the insight</p>

8

<p>What about changing schools? Are you ready for a bigger change? What about a boarding school?</p>

<p>I have to say that it is a bit of a worry that you are not getting along with any of your classmates. That suggests that there may be difficulties on your side that you don’t yet understand. You would give yourself a big advantage if you sought professional help to understand why you have been outcast.</p>

<p>Maybe it is all them. Perhaps there are social techniques you could learn to alleviate some of the torture. </p>

<p>Super-popular students have a gift. They are extremely good at reading the social cues of their peers.</p>

<p>Don’t obsess about the recs. That’s not the be-all and end-all of an application. You will be accepted by a good college and you will have a great time at college because…what’s not to like about college life! LOL. :)</p>

9

<p>It’s not torture actually, it’s just that some of them will just ignore me…I dunno…its okay I guess. I’m pretty well-adjusted, it’ll take time, that’s all, cuz I didn’t see them for about two years so It would make sese for them not to know. O well i guess i should be more optimistic.</p>

10

<p>When you go to college you will know the importance of making a good first impression and you will be able to make the most of a fresh start.</p>

11

<p>You haven’t seen these kids for two years? And you’re maybe two weeks into the new school year? And they’re acting like they’re back in junior high?</p>

<p>Rise above it. Come in cheerful and friendly. If there’s someone vaguely pleasant (they said “hello”? good enough), be cheerful back. Say something neutral (“can you believe the new principal is greeting every car in the morning?!”). Give it time. Don’t get sucked back into middle school attitudes----it’s SO easy to become an old self you don’t like. Sooner or later they’ll stop getting sucked back into middle school, too. If you can do it lightly enough, it helps to make fun of your old self too, to let people know you’ve done a little self-analysis.</p>

<p>Watch people. In any circle of friends there are people closer to the fringe than the center. Start with them, it’s easier.</p>

12

<p>incognita,
I have had two entirely different experiences with my kids in GATE. My son is a person who values his three or four close friends, is friendly with others, but doesn’t care much what people think of him. He fit in with the GATE kids (most classes together), but also with those in music and sports and even some kids completely different from him. I think his “accept me as I am” attitude eventually worked out for him. In middle school and early high school, many kids just found him odd and unapproachable, I think.</p>

<p>My middle school daughter is having a very similar problem to yours. She is sensitive and cares about her social situation. There is a group of girls in her GATE class, as well as the accelerated math, who are just arrogant types who do everything together and look down on everyone else. My daughter is more bubbly and friendly, and has friends with all abilities in various groups. These girls have taken to talking about her (she is pals with some boys, so you can guess what they say), and exclude her from the group. I suspect that some of the meanness stems from either jealousy or insecurity or both. When she confronts these girls face to face, they deny it and are sort of intimidated that my daughter approached them. Middle school (and sometimes high school) just sucks. Sadly, she will have to have classes with them for the next 5 years.</p>

<p>I have advised my kids to be themselves and to hold themselves with dignity, to surround themselves with people who bring out the best in them and to ignore the petty vultures. It worked eventually for my son, who is extremely self-confident. I hope it will work out for my daughter. Maybe it will work out for you, too.</p>

13

<p>incog…well if it isn’t torture, then don’t let it be. You may be over-analyzing the situation?</p>

<p>Why don’t you pick one or two of the students and make an effort to befriend them.</p>

<p>Ya never know. You might end up liking them?</p>