Can anyone critique my common app short answer?!!!

College Essays
1

<p>This is the prompt </p>

<p>Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below (1000 character maximum).</p>

<p>Here’s what I wrote!</p>

<p>Since my freshman year art has been one of the most meaningful elements of my high school experience. It all began with three dimensional art my freshman year. The capturing beauty of three dimensional art forms immediately blew me away. By the time i finished my freshman year I had taken off creatively. I spent every second of my free time in our school’s art studio creating clay busts, dreamcatchers, book sculptures and much more. In the studio I would mold a cube of clay into anything from a human skull to an abstract candle holder. Out side of school I photographed as much of Hawaii as possible. I joined my school’s National Art Honor Society (NAHS) in the beginning my sophomore year. By the end of my junior year my peers elected me as NAHS president. My goal was to help other student discover and expand their creativity.</p>

2

<p>Honestly, it’s not impressive. Impressive short essays should jump off the page, not just be about TELLING. You should SHOW the reader why you love art. Take your favorite art piece, the one that made you fall in love with the subject. Describe it, talk about each detail and how it spoke to you. Your love of art should be shown in the essay without you having to explicitly say “art is meaningful to me.”</p>

3

<p>thank you so much for your honesty! I took your advice and rewrote the essay, what do you think?</p>

<p>Acrylic paints, moist clay, soft wire made up one of the most meaningful elements of my high school experience. My passion for art truly sparked my sophomore year, when a disastrous clay elephant transformed into an expressive abstract piece. In my head imagined a powerful and robust creature but even after hours of working the cool clay the emotion was absent. Out of frustration I struck the clay then wrapped a wire tool around it. Before I could be upset I looked at the mound of clay in front of me and I saw it. In those few seconds I had produced the captivating piece that I was aiming for and it looked nothing like an elephant. I realized that what I loved most about art was the fact that you could let loose completely and end up with a captivating piece of art.</p>

4

<p>Much better than the original. SO much better. Think wording could still use some revising so make it flow a little better but the content is good.</p>

5

<p>Much, much better. You have it all there in matter, I know I didn’t get back until after these were due but this essay will not keep you out of ANY tier school.</p>

6

<p>WOWzers.</p>

<p>completely blown away to china and vietnam with the second one.</p>

<p>great job maestro</p>

7

<p>Hey I just Met You, and this is crazy, but I agree with CallmeMaybee</p>