Can anyone suggest improvements for my essay?

College Essays
1

<p>Hartwick College Essay</p>

<p>“If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it”. My life can best be described as a fall and rise. I found high school to be rather difficult. My freshmen year was a considerable struggle. I felt very uncomfortable during the year and I struggled to succeed. I didn’t form a positive relationship with any of my teachers and I didn’t put enough effort in during the year. This led to a very abysmal performance for the year.</p>

<p>My parents and I were very disappointed. At the end of the year, I learned the terms “Academic GPA” and “Class Rank”. I realized that a student’s GPA is usually the biggest priority when it comes to colleges. My guidance counselor then told me that your GPA affects your class ranking. In my opinion, I felt my performance would be much better if I knew about this. My parents always told me that education should be my number one priority. Both of my parents are immigrants. My mother is from Trinidad, while my father is from Haiti. They both have a very solid education. My father has a Ph.D from St. Johns University and my mother has her master’s degree from New York University. My parents obviously expected a lot more effort put into my schoolwork.</p>

<p>I learned that a low GPA wouldn’t help me in college admissions. My sophomore year came along. My grades improved and I had very decent regent’s scores with masteries on both, the Math A regents and the Global History Regents. The success continued my junior year. I was able to maintain a GPA above a 3.0 and have a mastery score on the U.S. History regent’s. </p>

<p>I had an upward trend in my grades year after year in high school. My motivators during that time were my parents. My parents showed that a good education would get you very far in life. During my years in high school, I have always had an interest in history, particularly U.S. history and European history. I started my college search during my junior year of high school. My main focus was to find a small liberal arts college for a history major. I realized Hartwick College was a superb choice. Hartwick is diversified with many immigrants. Sixteen countries are represented in the student body. I also like the fact that it’s a tiny school with about fifteen thousand undergrads. This will give me a chance to form a positive relationship with my professors especially with eighteen students in most of the classes.</p>

<p>This college is the right fit for me as opposed to a large public college where you don’t have a chance to really get educated or get help from your professors. During my junior year, I wasn’t very sure of my major or future career goals. At first I wanted to be an entrepreneur or an accountant. I decided that I wanted to be a lawyer, because I have an interest in history and past law cases such as Marbury v. Madison, Roe vs. Wade, Charles Manson and The Family, and the OJ Simpson Murder Case. Hartwick College is obviously a great choice since ninety five percent of their students go on to graduate school. Overall, I think my success can continue at Hartwick College.</p>

2

<p>Some suggestions:</p>

<p>“If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it”. My life can best be described as a fall and rise. I found high school to be rather difficult. My freshmen year was a considerable struggle. I felt very uncomfortable during the year and I struggled to succeed. I didn’t form a positive relationship with any of my teachers and I didn’t put enough effort in during the year. This led to a very abysmal performance for the year.</p>

<p>Don’t tell us how uncomfortable it was, SHOW US with an example. Why were you uncomfortable? How did you “struggle to succeed” when you admit you “didn’t put enough effort in.” Example: “I knew when I sat in my first class my freshman year that things would not go well. The teacher was talking, but my mind couldn’t immediately parse what she was asking. For me, high school was going to be very different from middle school. But I couldn’t guess then just how different it would be…” etc…</p>

<p>My parents and I were very disappointed. At the end of the year, I learned the terms “Academic GPA” and “Class Rank”. I realized that a student’s GPA is usually the biggest priority when it comes to colleges. My guidance counselor then told me that your GPA affects your class ranking. In my opinion, I felt my performance would be much better if I knew about this. My parents always told me that education should be my number one priority. Both of my parents are immigrants. My mother is from Trinidad, while my father is from Haiti. They both have a very solid education. My father has a Ph.D from St. Johns University and my mother has her master’s degree from New York University. My parents obviously expected a lot more effort put into my schoolwork.</p>

<p>Same advice here: SHOW it, don’t tell it. Example: “My parents - my mom from Trinidad and my father from Haiti - held my first report card in their hands. I could tell from their expressions how they felt. Anger, I could have dealt with, but not their disappointment with me…”</p>

<p>Anyway, I won’t go on, but you get the idea. You said that you were turned around, but how? What specific event(s) triggered a change? Describe the event. Put the reader in your shoes, living it rather than just hearing it.</p>

<p>etc, etc, etc… As for why this college, do the same. Describe a situation you’ll find yourself in there, and SHOW why that will be good for you.
</p>

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<p>Check that statistic about 95% of students going on to graduate school. That doesn’t sound right. Also, fifteen thousand undergrads is hardly tiny. Do you mean fifteen hundred?</p>

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<p>^^ Ditto those two comments. My son is interested in Hartwick and although I don’t know how many kids go on to grad school, it’s not 95%. Also, the student body is around 1500.</p>