This is some background info.
My mom was very ill with Multiple Sclerosis when I was little. When I was in my senior year of HS she passed away. I was always a great student in HS. I graduated with 4.0 GPA and Valedictoria. I was admitted to Northwestern University. Living on campus was difficult since my family had been so close and my mom had passed away just a couple months ago. After my freshman year I decided to commute.
After that things went downhill. I started to lose focus of school. I was placed on academic probation becasue my GPA dropped, I tried to bring it up, and before I knew it I was dismissed.
I met with the Dean to discuss my situation and we came up with a plan. I was to take a year off before being able to reapply to the University. During that time, I would take some online courses from a University to keep my academic momentum going, she said I had potential because it was obvious when I applied myself I got good grades. The online classes were necessary because it had been too late to apply for on-campus classes. During the summer, I would then apply to take classes on campus at a nearby University. If by the time it was time to come back, I had demonstrated academic success, she said she would personally readmit me to the University.
The problem here is that my dad doesn’t know of my failure. The University covered all my tuition, so I definietly feel guilty of that, but my dad never spent a penny. I haven’t told him because I am suppose to be the family genius. They think I am staying on campus, but my housing contract is almost up, and I’m debating getting an apartment and working on my online classes from my apartment until the summer. Once summer hits, I would go back home and do the summer classes.
Can I hide this slip up from him and get back on track?
No you cant hide this from your dad…nor should you.
I mean really…he is your dad.
I am so sorry about your mom. Her illness and death must have been so difficult for you, and then you started college just a few months after she was gone. I wonder if you would consider some grief counseling. It is very hard to function academically as normal when you are dealing with grief and changes in the family, and dealing with the psychic transition to college on top of that is an awful lot.
I sense you don’t want sympathy but really you deserve to give yourself a break here. Our culture often demands that we spring back to normal quickly after we lose people but that is not really how our minds and hearts work.
I am glad the Dean was nice and personally would readmit you. By all means take some classes. But also I think it would be good to do a bereavement group or see a counselor or something. I lost my father around that age and wish I had gotten some help: life can go off on tangents when grief is a factor, unless faced squarely.
I hope you can just tell your dad that you weren’t able to work the way you normally do this year, that you didn’t do well and talked with the dean, with whom you came up with a plan. Your future is still bright but your father needs to understand the loss and its effects for you.
One other thing: I don’t know if this is appropriate but you could ask the dean about a medical withdrawal if you were depressed and grieving. Some posters have managed to do this retroactively to keep their GPA intact. Or perhaps you can retake classes you failed and replace the grades.
I sincerely hope you feel better and understand that the dean is sympathetic and will help you. Just tell your father the truth: he needs to know. And try to get some support in a group or individually. Good luck!
You have been through something very hard with your mom’s death at such a time. You have shown yourself to be a capable and responsible student in the past, and I think you have every reason to think you can again. When something extremely emotionally disruptive happens and you falter, it’s not a permanent stain on your character or potential. Do you think that going back home to live brought back more thoughts and memories of your mom?
Trying to hide you academic problems from your dad would cause enormous stress, and would likely backfire.
What kind of person is your dad? Is he a calm person, does he have a temper? Are you worried more about letting him down, making him angry, making him ashamed or afraid for your future? Are you mostly worried about upholding your reputation as the family genius or worried about what he will do ? Clarifying your specific dreads and fears might help you decided the best WAY to approach telling him and to get yourself in the frame of mind that might best help you to be successful.
All but the most abusive or controlling dads will love you, even if they get angry or disappointed. A good deal of anger and disappointment tends to stem from their concern and fears for you, or their thoughts about what they could have done differently. When the dust settles, this kind of problem can draw you closer if it opens up some heart-to-heart talk.
Both you and your dad have been through something very hard, and sometimes the grieving process gets delayed. You seemed to have gotten through your freshman year. Maybe you got derailed by an ennui, or depression related to your mom’s death. It sounds like the dean is aware of this and giving you the chance of a do-over. If I were you I would take her up with this offer with all my might. In the meantime, consider getting counseling to talk about your mom and the experience of her dying.
Under your circumstances, there is really no shame in having had these problems. The only shame would be if somehow, at some time your were unable to “get back on the horse” and pursue your dreams. Let your dad be a part of your process. I hope you feel he is someone you can be “real” with and not have to forever play the role of the family genius.
I f you think your dad is very likely to become very angry or upset initially would it be possible to have a sympathetic adult with you when you tell him ?
Oh, and also, @njjc41467479 when I said to take up the dean’s offer with all your might, and to get back on the horse, I did not mean I think you should do so immediately. I am sure that’s why the dean wants you to take some time, but I think her advice to stay partly engaged through the online course is good. I agree with @compmom that it’s important for you to let time and support from others and counseling do their work. The getting back on the horse part meant not to let a downward trajectory keep you from your potential, or to let the opportunity of free tuition from this school slip through your fingers (unless you have a definite, doable strategy in place to change directions for a very positive reasons in the future.)
You could hide this slip up from him. I hid my slip ups from my parents for years - until it all came crashing down because it was taking me forever to get my degree. I definitely wouldn’t recommend that path.
I think you should talk to your father. If he really hasn’t paid a dollar towards your tuition then perhaps he wouldn’t take it as poorly? I mean, after all it was his wife that passed away as well (awful situation btw, very sorry for your loss!).
There was dead silence in the short drive from dorm to home my junior year when I told my father I was getting a C in one of the advanced courses in my major. He got over it. Years later I found out from my mother that he had plenty of C’s during his college days.
Your talk with your father needs to start with your conversation with your dean, then go into the out of school, affect of your mother’s illness/death on you. Be sure to give the good news from the school and plans before hitting him with the bad news. Emphasizing the plans for the future with the school’s input will lessen the impact of the current status.
Good luck to you. Most of us have had major stressors and bumps in the road to get where we are today.
I don’t think I can add anything to the kind wisdom that has already been given by the other posters here, but I do want to second the suggestion to be honest with your dad so you are not hiding this development (there is no shame) and bearing it alone. I don’t think you want to add the stress of keeping up false pretenses to an already challenging time. Your dad, unless he is highly unusual, even with faults will most likely be far more understanding than you might suppose. Living on this earth for a couple of extra decades and experiencing life’s unexpected turns will make a person that way. I’m glad you posted and am rooting for you. Your education is extremely important, but not so much so that it defines your worth, which is intrinsic in you as a human being simply for who you are. Take good care of yourself.
OP, you had some tough times. But, you faced up and handled the dismissal situation as an adult. You have a plan to succeed and are working on it. If I was your dad, I would be proud for the way you are handling it EXCEPT YOU HAVEN’T TOLD ME.
Tell your Dad ASAP.
Good luck to you.
Everyone here has given you wonderful advice, so there’s not much I can add on; however, I did want to say that I am so sorry for your loss, and you’ve handled this the best way you could. Your dad is the best person to understand your situation, since he is probably experiencing the same grief as you. Don’t hide that from him.
Best of luck OP.
What a heartbreaking story. First of all, you are a great success. Having a parent with a serious health problem is so hard and you aced high school. The only “mistake” you made in college was to underestimate how hard it is to lose your mother. It’s also hard for students who have to juggle both school and family responsibilities. You have a sensible plan to get back on track and you just need to work it forward.
As a parent, I would deeply hope that I could support my child through such challenges. I would be hurt by the secrecy, not any disappointment. If your father is anything like me, he would might feel he failed you because you had to hide whats happening. You might both benefit from being honest.