Can I ignore a Facebook "friend" request from a relative?

Parent Cafe
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<p>Wow - I have never seen e-mails sent by God and country-loving, troop supporting people which also spread hate. I am surrounded by folks like that, and have never heard a peep of that sort of negativity. I guess I always thought it was some kind of political stereotype baloney, but I believe you - it happens. I have to add, though, that people who are TRULY God-loving would or could not be doing anything of the sort.</p>

<p>I have seen hate speech coming from people who pretend to want “change we can believe in”, but then engage in hate talk against women (i.e. Sarah Palin and her “unfitness” to serve because she is both female and a parent of a child with health challenges - and a pregnant teen) and certain religions (the Mormon Church, the Catholic Church). I could go on. </p>

<p>The bottom line, I guess, is that there are people out there from both ends of the spectrum who need to have their e-mails cut off, if hate is what they are spreading.</p>

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<p>spidey, I have to agree with you. I’ve found more cranky people here on CC hiding in anonymity than anywhere on facebook. FB friends are uber friendly & polite that I can tell.</p>

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<p>You can just click “ignore” to just about everything. And “block” to all of the snowball throws and green beers.</p>

<p>And I agree - you don’t reject people, you ignore them as you would a Christmas card from a stalker-ish ex-boyfriend. On the off chance someone says “Did you see my friend request?” you just say “I am still figuring it all out”</p>

<p>No one gets a message that you are ignoring them. Or that you defriended them.</p>

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<p>^Just know, though, that if you choose to ignore them, they will probably know that it was intentional.</p>

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<p>And, in this situation, a “poison” couple who, according to the OP, have already created much trouble and hard feelings in her family, won’t be given another potential avenue to do so again. They weren’t angels to begin with, so they certainly aren’t going to start being decent people NOW. Additional ill will about not being befirended makes no difference in how they view the OP. None.</p>

<p>Spideygirl, you sound like the type of person I should STRIVE to be, but honestly, not everyone is deserving of such kind treatment.</p>

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<p>I vote for ignoring it. Forgive me for spouting Oprah at you, but as she says, whenever you say yes to something you don’t want to do, you’re saying no to yourself. I recently accepted a friend request from someone who has been nothing like a friend in real life, and they turned out to be every bit as awful on facebook. You’re allowed to protect yourself. Yes, I try to be kind, I try to be civil, but in the case of toxic people I choose to limit how much access they have to my life.</p>

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<p>Sorry to shatter illusions Spideygirl, but I tried that approach for literally 20 years with the in-laws. I even went so far as to ask a brother-in-law that had always been unpleasant to me to be Godfather to my son. My approach, my philosophy regarding this was that family is first, and though we may not always be personally in sync the important thing was that our children grow up feeling part of something bigger and loved by lots of adults. I felt that I could overlook his behavior, that I could be above it, and that by consistently offering my kindness, respect, love because that is the sort of person I wanted to be. It did not work. I was the only person in the family to ask him to be a godparent, and yet, three different times when I mentioned him being my son’s godparent he acted surprised. “Really? I’m his godfather?” That can’t really be any clearer, can it? At a certain point you sometimes have to back away from people or you’re just asking for abuse.</p>

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<p>ColoradoMomof2

</p>

<p>Thanks, ColoradoMomof2, but I struggle daily with thinking right and doing right just like everyone else. It’s easy, though, to come on here and tell someone else how they should “walk the walk”. Actually doing that in one’s own life is quite different I am afraid.</p>

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<p>Helenback

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<p>I’m not sure what illusions you are referring to. When I threw in my two cents about taking the higher ground, again and again, it wasn’t because I thought it would elicit a particular response from the other side.</p>

<p>We are supposed to try to do good and be good not because of how it will change someone else’s behavior or a particular situation. We are supposed to do the right thing because it is the right thing to do.</p>

<p>I agree completely that we should not take abuse from other people. I also know that it is perfectly possible to meet that goal, while at the same time committing to kindness and compassion (even if the other people do not deserve it).</p>

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<p>"As adults can’t we just include everyone? Especially those we are related to? This Facebook thing seems like high school drama.</p>

<p>Instead of figuring out how to avoid certain people, a Facebook page could be used to bless people with inclusion, compassion, and a little communication (communication, that really costs nothing to give).</p>

<p>While I believe in compassion, and many have told me that I am a compasionate person, I don’t see any reason to allow people whom I don’t like to have access to my Facebook page. That to me is like inviting over to one’s home someone whom one doesn’t like.</p>

<p>Fine to be polite to them when encountering them socially, but the politeness doesn’t need to extend to inviting them into one’s house to be face to face with all of one’s personal business. I am not interested in seeing Facebook info from people I don’t like, and I don’t want them seeing my Facebook info.</p>

<p>I’ve ignored Facebook requests from people whom I’m not fond of or don’t want to have such a close connection to. People have ignored my Facebook requests, too. I don’t see it as a big deal. Just because someone knocks on one’s door doesn’t mean one has to let them in.</p>

<p>" think you all have very valid points, but when we sit in our places of worship and are taught about forgiveness, I am sure that the message is especially focused on those who are the most difficult to forgive. Best not to drop all that good advice come Monday morning.</p>

<p>There is a consequence to another person - particularly a relative - if we choose not to befriend them online (which is such a minor gesture of kindness, really). If someone tries to be your friend on Facebook, and you decline, you have sent them a rejection. It is your choice about what you do - your business. However, if you post the issue on a public forum, you are inviting commentary. This is just my two cents."</p>

<p>“Forgiving” someone means letting go of anger and feelings of revenge toward them. It doesn’t mean welcoming them into your life so they can wreak havoc again. Lots of people don’t understand this, and that’s even why some battered women return again and again to the men who have abused them.</p>

<p>One can forgive someone while recognizing that they are a toxic person whom it would be best to avoid. One can then avoid them without rancor. If that avoidance makes them upset, that’s their problem. They, after all, brought the situation onto themselves.</p>

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<p>NSM -</p>

<p>A battered woman returning to the person who victimized her is not really a fitting example here. </p>

<p>I guess it depends on how Facebook is used by the individual person. I only know of Facebook pages where people are befriended quite readily. They are not private or all that discriminating (or at all like “inviting someone to your home”). Perhaps some people have pages where only true friends are included? I think most people include lots of “friends” who would never be invited to their homes. In that more typical use of the medium, I cannot see why a relative would not be accepted (even one who is a pariah).</p>

<p>My point wasn’t as much about forgiveness as about actual behavior. Even when people have “earned” consequences, I don’t think it is up to us the mete them out (unless we are talking about our own children). I think it is our job to turn the other cheek. It can be done without any negative consequence to ourselves, and without letting any of the toxicity in.</p>

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<p>spideygirl - it’s not quite so clear on facebook; once you ‘friend’ someone, they can post whatever they want on your facebook wall, for all your other friends to see. Of course, you can delete the post when you log on and find it, but in the meantime, any of your other friends might have seen it.</p>

<p>I think kids are much more prone to accruing as many friends as they can, and thus, accept most requests. Adults are typically much more choosey. So it’s not like you can friend someone, and that’s it… you open up a whole new world for them to say things about you, or to you, very publicly.</p>

<p>For instance, several weeks ago, I was having ‘family of origin’ issues with my brother, and several of my facebook friends knew about it (because I’d talked to them about it in person). They knew not to make any comment on my facebook wall about it, even anything innocent such as, “Teri, you can’t choose your family, but you can choose your friends”, and being very well meaning with it, and trying to be supportive. But I have three of my nieces as my friends on facebook, so even a supportive-seeming statement like that might create curiosity, leading them to ask their dads (my brothers) what was up. </p>

<p>So, once you open the door to ‘friending’ someone, there can be negative consequences, because they have access to publicize anything they want about you.</p>

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<p>You can accept the request, but then only choose what parts of your profile she’s allowed to see. Go into your privacy settings, put her named on the limited access list, then make it so she cant see anything.</p>

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<p>teriwtt, you can opt to friend someone and not let them see or post on your wall. (A lot of kids do that with their adult friends.)</p>

<p>I rarely use the Wall for communication, preferring to send people private messages which cannot be read by everyone. I use the Wall to wish people Happy Birthday; I’ll comment on people’s status updates – stuff like that. When someone asks me something via a Wall post that demands a personal response, I almost always respond to the question through a private message.</p>

<p>What I wish is that Facebook would allow me to decide who can read my status updates. Facebook now lets us divide our friends into groups, and I wish I could decide which group can see specific updates. </p>

<p>I do really like the option that lets me hide certain friends’ activities.</p>

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<p>fireandrain - I didn’t realize you could set it so people couldn’t post on your wall. That would help a LOT! So does that mean they can’t comment on your posted pictures, etc, too? But they can still see all your status updates?</p>

<p>I agree, when I have something personal to say to them, that isn’t necessary for everyone to see, then I use the inbox.</p>

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<p>teriwtt: I’ve never blocked someone from seeing my Wall, but I’m blocked from seeing people’s walls, and I can’t write on their Walls. I still see their status updates, and believe that I can comment on them. You can block specific people, or you can block everyone, and make it so no one can post on your Wall. I’m sure it’s in preferences somewhere. </p>

<p>Every time you put pictures up you are asked who can see it. I don’t remember how specific it gets. Obviously if someone can’t see the picture they can’t comment on it. I haven’t put pictures up in a while, so I don’t remember how that process works.</p>

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<p>My cousin has her wall where no one can write on it, but we can comment on her pictures. I think she had it set this way by accident and then decided to leave it that way.</p>

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<p>My SIL is now on facebook, all my college kids are home for break and she has added them all. I heard them all making fun of her for being ‘lame’; sending them facebook presents, commenting on the photos, and generally acting like a teen, but being 45. Made me very glad I never joined when invited.</p>

<p>My girls all like my SIL, but they don’t want to chat on facebook with her or have her eavesdropping on their wall posts & photos.</p>

<p>They also used to show me her kids FB pages and are amazed that SIL is not shocked by stuff her kids post;)</p>