Also, the next time your mother threatens suicide call 911. You should always err on the side of believing the person and getting them help.
Either she is about to, in which 911 will get her help, or it is a tactic and having outsiders involved may help her stop that tactic.
Also check out this discussion board: http://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?board=4.0 for dealing with Personality Disordered parents.
My advice is to stay away from her as much as possible.
Seek therapy.
There is another angle to consider here. Some here have discussed the legality of- can they tell, or can they not tell?
There is also the possibility someone will tell even if they’re not supposed to.
Just to clear up some FERPA issues. As mentioned above every school can disclose “Directory Information” and it can be different at different schools. You’d have to check your schools policy to see what that is. At the school I work the Registrar can elect to give out current registration status without a FERPA waiver. At my school a student can request confidentiality of his/her record and then no information is given out.
Last week there were some issues with scholarships for my daughter and i believe every person in the athetic department, student loan department and administration know everything about daughter and her grades, financial situation, my financial situation, aND they all discussed it before askin aus anything. No privacy. All information free flowing. I think anyone can call and get any information they want at any time. If your college mail is sent to your home address, your mother could just open it. I remember years ago my brother’s grades arrived in the mail, and my father opened them. He said “well I don’t understand these at all” and handed them to me. Brother had withdrawn from all classes. Oops.
@twoinanddone University Agents have access to Student Records - that’s not a FERPA issue.
Yes, but I’m sure the secretary in the athletic department didn’t check to see if my daughter signed a Ferpa waiver before discussing it with me, sending me emails about all the financial issues. Once the information leaves the file, it’s just out there.
@twoinanddone , you might be surprised. Most universities take FERPA issues very seriously–mine, for example requires all employees that have any access to student records to take FERPA training. Also, if a student is a dependent for tax purposes, information can be released to the parents. The university was probably told at some point that your daughter was a dependent, and the people who communicated with you probably checked that before discussing it with you.
If your daughter has signed a FERPA waiver then it’s most likely in the system and anyone that has to the system sees that a waiver has been signed. I can’t speak in absolutes but that’s how modern day Student Information Systems work.
I was told that the Ferpa waiver was for billing only, and wouldn’t be used for any other purpose, couldn’t be used for any other purpose lIke my getting her grades or any othe informayion, just billing. In fact, some people give me a hard time when I call to discuss her account, even though she did sign the waiver, and even thought she was 17 when she starter school so i had to sign everything she did. She wants me to deal with it all, as her school makes it very difficult. She tried to find out information about why there was a hold on her account once, and no one would help her. I got on the phone and cleared it up in minutes. It wasn’t financial, it was a ‘missing’ transcript that wasn’t missing at all. Who helped me? A guy in financial aid and it wasn’t a financial aid issue at all so he shouldn’t have helped, and he should have said ’ it is not a billing issue so the FERPA waiver doesn’t cover this’. Each grant or program is handled by a different person, so if I have a question about a grant, I have to find the person for that grant. They act like no one but that special person can know anything about that grant, and then go share the information with everyone at the school.
I’m just saying the the OP wanted to know if his mother could find out information, and I think she easily can by finding a person who will just tell her, FERPA signed or not. My daughter’s coach and sorority know her grades before she does most of the time, and long before I do. I just don’t think her coach, or the athletic department, has a need to know her merit scholarships or her financial situation. They should be concerned about her athletic scholarship not with the rest of it, what meal plan she’s on, if she gets a few extra $$ for taking 16 credits rather than 14. But this information is available to anyone who opens her file and they just disburse it.
I (the OP) am still around and following along if anybody is wondering. I still just haven’t summoned any real desire to write yet. Thanks again to all of you who have written thus far.
You can tell the college via signed form or letter to not release even directory info. Ask your Registrar’s office about it.
Also, meet with your academic advisor, financial aid advisor, and mental health counselor at school now. Like, immediately. Inquire about a late withdrawal or drop from the courses you failed if you can muster the documentation of a mental health impairing condition. Document everything.
I will get the registrar to do that. I live at home. My mother forbade me from moving out. The only reason I’m in a state school is because it was near our house.
You’ve had this post up for a week and you haven’t spoken with the registrar about your options by now?
No I have. They’ve told me they won’t say anything. And my mom made all those usual threats and never made a move at all so the urgency of the situation is over. Now what remains to be done is reflecting on what life has given me to confront regarding my mother. Sorry I didn’t update on that. I haven’t felt like writing here this week and have predominantly spent it in withdrawal, there’s just so much to say and I still don’t know where to start. This thread is missing lots of info.
Okay, now you need to find a place to stay in another town, even if it’s not far, and do NOT give the info to your mother. It’s about summer - say it’s for an internship if you need to say something. Don’t ask - pack, call a taxi, and when the taxi’s there, step out and call your mom in full view of the taxi, and explain you’re going to work in ____________(large city near where you’ll actually be working but NOT city/town where you’ll actually be working) for the summer, as all students need to have internships. Say that you wanted to avoid her pain and suffering since your leaving always hurts her so, and you’ll make her proud. She will likely scream or threaten or cry, but even if you are swayed, or cry yourself, you have to go. Get in the taxi with your luggage and get dropped off somewhere (can be a hostel in the city where you’ll find your job.)
Try to summon the strength to move out. Your mother cannot forbid you. You are not a minor.
Also, please look up Borderline Personslity Disorder and read carefully about setting and sticking to strict boundaries.
I’ve wondered if she’s BPD before. I can’t use the excuse of some summer thing. I’ve never been allowed to be away from home unless I was with her. What’s keeping me weighed down here at the moment is that I’ve buried this all deep within me for so many years now and the idea of suddenly digging it up is kind of scary. I feel like I kinda want to get my bearings straightened out a bit before making my move because she isn’t imminently doing anything to me right now.
Do you have any way to make money? Getting a job, even if it is while living at home, will give you a little distance from your mom and will allow you to save up some money as you plan your exit strategy. And if you can’t work up the courage to get a job, think of ways you can turn your skills into cash. Knitting things to sell, mowing lawns, buying and reselling items on ebay, whatever skills you have might offer a way to earn some money.
Where is there any present necessity of making money? I mean I’ve been thinking about it lately as well but it seems to be more of an idea based off of my instincts more so than because of any real rational. She supports me and most days I barely speak to her once. She works night shifts and I’m a depressed nocturnal hermit. I’m rather skilled in learning technical skills so I thought I’d quickly learn to program since there’s demand for that and on top of it I’m from the bay area up in Northern CA so that’s more of a tech center up here.