Oh I see, just to keep some distance? I guess…
I think the recommendation for you to make money, was in reference to your saving up, then moving out and becoming a self-supporting, independent adult.
As long as you need money from her, you cannot set boundaries.
Yes, it would be great to earn enough money to be able to move out of your house. But even if that is not your goal, it is still a good idea to look for a job.
My reasoning is that putting a small bit of space between you and your mom would be a healthy thing to do. At a workplace, you can interact with (hopefully) more mentally balanced people, and see how normal people behave. You might gain some confidence in a workplace as you perform tasks and are appreciated for your efforts. Having lived in a unhealthy household for so long, you probably don’t even know how crazy your mom’s expectations of you are. Venturing out into the “real world” might enlighten you as to how “not normal” your mom’s demands of you are, and might give you the courage to want to make some changes.
If you are hoping to make some changes in your relationship with your mom, getting out of the house and having a bit of freedom from her control would be a baby step. If she has you imprisoned in your home, and you can not leave your house without her permission, that is a sign of an unhealthy relationship. A job can get you more than just money. Others can see the value of your hard work, ideas, and motivation. You would have employers who could write recommendation letters for you for future job or school options.
If you can’t get a paying job, even volunteering somewhere would be a good option. If it is related to a possible future career, that is great. If not, helping others still has value.
If computers are your thing, that’s a good option, and you can learn in your own home. I still think you need to find ways to get physically away from your house every week.
Do you get out of your house on a regular basis right now? Are you allowed to go to the grocery store on your own, go shopping, go get your hair cut? Do you have any friends in real life? Do you go out with friends and do fun things?
We just don’t know how crippled you are by your mom and her mental issues. As you are able, let us in on your world. Are you interacting physically with the rest of the world?
OP, hoping you can work through this.
FYI, at my daughter’s university, I can request, through the parent’s portal, an enrollment verification for my daughter. Easy peazy.
OP - first, all my best thoughts to you. My son had a tough time first semester and hopefully is turning around, but the whole process was above board with us, since we are paying for him to go to school and it was his choice. I have some mental illness in my family, but what you describe sounds way beyond that.
I agree 100% that if you don’t tell your mom, in a way that might work out best for both of you.
Don’t just get a job to get a job. I agree that you need to figure out what you want to do, but the grade issue is hanging over your head. For one thing, have you been officially notified that you are expelled, and can never return?
Since you are 20, I think you should find a place to live, like a shelter for abused women. Frankly, whether it is purposeful or not, your mother is abusing you. You can get support services there, even if it is a bit of a change from women abused by partners.
This might be worth reading:
http://saferelationshipsmagazine.com/adult-children-of-abusive-parents-when-parents-are-pathological
Parentifying children seems apropos here.
Good luck and I hope you can find someone to help you move on, be it a therapist, counselor, religious leader, or relative, or even friend.
^I second the post above.
Do read the link posted.
If you’ve got no place to go, look for shelters, pack your bag, and go. DO NOT warn your mother. DO NOT tell her then pack. Pack, then call a taxi, then walk out, then tell her you’re going, then get on the taxi. Get away from this toxic situation.
I feel like I don’t want to do that because I don’t want her to die. Her doctor put her on very heavy drugs because she’s so suicidal over what happened with my father. I don’t think she ever really meant that she’d commit suicide several years ago when I wanted to leave for college. It’s a manipulative tactic. She’d say anything to control me that’s why I’m not sure she’s bipolar. Because if she was bipolar she wouldn’t be saying it with as much of an ulterior motive. Or maybe the only REASON she’s suicidal over my father’s abandonment is because she’s bipolar on top of it? I have no idea I think the reaction level depends on the person… I don’t know if my conscience will allow me to throw her in a mental hospital just because I want to move out. I feel like there’s a lot to say but I don’t know how to say it.
I’ll probably end up trying to break into her mail account with the counselor that she’s speaking with now. Read the messages back and forth to try and find out what they’re telling her.
Is there any way both you AND your mother can get counseling? It might help if your mother hears from someone “certified” and “qualified” that what she’s doing is wrong and not in your best interest, and it might click if she sees you upset in the therapist’s room.
I see a lot of “I’m not allowed to” and “she makes me” in your posts. The first thing I think you should realize is that she can’t make you do anything anymore because you are an adult now. So claim your rights and celebrate yourself!
Also, it seems like she needs you more than you need her, so would she REALLY kick you out if you broke her rules? So couldn’t you use that as leverage? Or maybe she actually WOULD kick you out and you could get a chance at living your own life?
It’s hard dealing with manipulative parents (mine wasn’t that bad, but I know what it’s like), but once you finally understand that they don’t own you and you can make your own decisions, it gets much easier.
Good luck and please think about being assertive and seeing a therapist, with or without your mom’s permission.
Even if your mother needs you, she is an adult with a life. She needs to take care of herself. If you’re worried, before you go, go see neighbors and tell them to check on her. Don’t tell them a ling time before you go though as you don’t want them to let it slip.
Someone who would 'commit suicide ’ to get back at their child or as a manipulative tactic in addition to revenge is too sick for you to take care of. If she actually does it, it means she does need to be in a mental hospital - not that you’re guilty, but that her mental state requires long term, professional attention . I can’t believe you’ve felt that weight - keeping your mother alive at the expense of your happiness - for so long.
Question to everybody: What about if it was the other way around. What if my husband ran away, would it be wrong to expect my mother to be “there for me”? I’ll leave what the specifically means open to interpretation.
It’s like my sister got her Aspergers and ADHD from my father and now I figure out my mom might have a number of things. It feels so dark inside knowing what I never grew up normally or nothing.
Even if the abuser ‘needs you’, you can’t return to/stay in an abusive situation. Children should not ‘parent’ their parents. Doing so, putting their parents ’ needs before their own, damages them and their sense of self. They must leave, create their own independent life, in order to function on their own. (…and return to help later on, but only once they have their own independent life.) Think that it’s the same way that on a plane, people must first put their breathing mask on their face and only then help others. You can’t save others when you are at risk. Endangering yourself means ultimately endangering those you want to protect.
And your number one job as a young adult is to become independent and grow. Think long term, not immediate/short term.
Most importantly :
YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR MOTHER .
You are not a father -substitute, or husband -substitute.
You are you, yourself, and you need to decide what it means, on your own, to be yourself.
If your adult mother can’t function without you or cannot live on her own, you need to call social services. Adults can live on their own. When they cannot live without help, social services need to know.
Thank you. I’m listening to everything you say. It’s been two weeks and my head is still spinning though, that’s why there’s such a lack of response going on here. I’m gonna make a move of some sort, it’s just… the only REASON I posted on this website to begin with is because I’ve reached breaking point and one of the implications of reaching breaking point is that I have lost all my energy so I’m psychologically helpless.
Anyways - do you consider me a child when I’m 20 years old? You mention “children” in that post above.
'Child ’ has two meanings :
- offspring
- minor
You are not a child/minor, you are a young adult.
You are your mother’s offspring, that will never change, but you are no longer a little kid (a minor) and she has no legal rights over you. You can legally do whatever you want.
You need to think: do you have a safe place you can go to? Pack a bag and go there. It’ll be easier to think if you are in a place that’s not as highly charged. Do NOT warn your mother. Leave one morning as if for class, put your phone on silent, and don’t return.
It’s like I have a feeling that you are urging me to do so hard to do this so immediate affect because your under the impression that she’s actively harming me or even so much as talking to me. We barely talk because I barely do anything but that still allows me to think of more strategies. I am not that kind of kid that ever really had a network of contacts so the minute I leave every things gonna take off. I feel like I need some preparation. Maybe I’ll leave in a few months? I understand that you say what she does is worthy of doing that to her in terms of how sick she is but that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s the smartest thing to do right? I’ve had some big strategy planned vaguely in my head of changing my SSN, legal name, and lots of other stuff. It just feels like if I live immediately that something bad will happen.
I feel like I kinda wanna know the truth of what’s going on here you know, the real truth with some degree of depth. There’s certain research online that makes me feel like maybe it’s cultural. That doesn’t make it right but it might change my impression. Like look: http://sadintellectual.livejournal.com/85269.html
'cultural ’ doesn’t excuse abusive behavior.
But yes, leave with a plan in place.
However, go to class on campus and use that time away to get her out of your head.
Class? I got kicked out of school remember? It’s like when my mom called my grandma in a foreign country that my father ran away and took all our assets and stuff my grandma got a stroke and had to be rushed to the hospital and like almost died. That tells me she probably WILL die if I just run. There’s gotta be a better way to do this.
hm, you’ve not been kicked out of school - if I understand properly, you’re no longer registered for next semester because you ARE FAILING right now and WILL be out of school. Also, if you don’t go, don’t you think she’ll figure it out?
Your father is responsible for what he did to you and your mother.
Your mother is responsible for what she did to you;
You are not responsible for your parents.
Later on you’ll be responsible for your own children (offspring) but you’re not responsible for your elders.