Can someone critique the introductory paragraph of my essay?

College Essays
1

<p>I want my essay to have an attention-grabbing start. Can someone critique my essay? I am writing about my immigration experience.</p>

<p>Fire! Lightning! Tidal waves of doom! I stood on the rocky shore, gazing out over the ocean over which I would soar tonight. Flying into the storm, I knew not what lay before me, but in the end, I knew that I would prevail - for the struggle is the world’s conundrum. </p>

<p>I stared down into the flowing abyss of blue underneath. I pondered over my future, asking myself what I would ask myself to do. However, when I landed, I was in a foreign land, unsure of the language and customs. Thus, I struggled to learn the language and improve my skills. </p>

2

<p>Here are my thoughts,</p>

<p>First paragraph - shows you’re trying too hard. Not enough about you.</p>

<p>Second paragraph - didn’t work for me either. Immediately gave away the story in the last sentence.</p>

<p>Hope this helps. Best of luck! :)</p>

3

<p>The first one is way over the top. your goal should be to let the reader know about you. An embarassing or funny story from your travel would be a better way to accomplish your goal of capturing the readers interest, while still keeping your essay on track.</p>

<p>The second one is better, the first couple sentences draw the reader into your point of view. If you use this topic (adaptation to a foreign country) you should spend a paragraph explaining the obstacles and another paragraph explaining how you overcame them and a concluding paragraph of lessons learned that carry over into the rest of your life.</p>

4

<p>I would suggest rewriting the first paragraph entirely. It’s way over the top.</p>