Can someone grade my SAT essays and point out my errors and how I can improve please?

Test Preparation SAT Preparation
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<p>Hi! Can someone please help grade my essay and make help comments on it? I’ve taken the SAT twice already and have only gotten 6 and 7 on my essays. Can someone tell me how I should improve to get a 10-12 score on my essay? Thank you so much!</p>

<h2>Assign: What is important “easy and preferred answer” that we should resist? That is, what dangerous misconception do people commonly hold?</h2>

<pre><code> We human are a lazy kind. In many frustrating situations, we try to sought out the easy way for a gainful result. Violence, one of the most hackneyed method to achieve our goal, is not the answer to problems, like many may believe.
Over the course of history, many bloody and violent acts resulted in more problems and deaths. The French Revolution is a perfect example. The peasants and the middle-class of France suffered decades from the tyrannical reign of the monarchs. Anger broil as the king continually requests heavy taxing from starving peasants for his own sybarite lifestyle. The rebels sought the immediate and easy answer for the French Revolution - violence. After the king were overthrown and the aristocrats bloodily slaughtered, the peasants and middle-class soon find themselves in the hold of another tyrant as the Reign of Terror starts. Thus, it shows that violence does not solve the existing problems for the French but increased their predicament.
Ghandi and the French peasants had a similar goal in mind-to overthrow an existing government. In India, Ghandi saw the way the British government abused the Indians and robbed them of their capitals. He sought independence. However, unlike the French, Ghandi used a more difficult way to achieve independence- civil disobedience and non-violent acts. Ghandi persistently insisted to suffer abuse and violence from the government without “hitting back”. His choice of method made him suffer and starve for a long durantion of time. However, everything was paid back as India regained its independence soon after and was rid of any tyrannical rules.
In conclusion, even though violence may seem like a quick and easy way out for many problems, it is, indeed, actually an aggravator for more disasters.
</code></pre>

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<p>Where did you get this essay prompt?</p>

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<p>IWillKillForMIT,
Why? This is from a Chinese SAT Prep book by NEWOriental.</p>

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<p>self bump 12345</p>

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<p>Okay first of all there are some grammatical errors in the first few sentences. Btw, I got a 9 on my essay on my first try. I am guessing that you are Chinese? </p>

<p>First Paragraph -
“We human are a lazy kind. In many frustrating situations, we try to sought out the easy way for a gainful result. Violence, one of the most hackneyed method to achieve our goal, is not the answer to problems, like many may believe.”</p>

<p>It should be:</p>

<p>We humans are lazy kinds (for grammar’s sake. It sounds awkward, I know, but make sure you use parallelism. Even native/fluent English speakers don’t keep their sentences parallel. Try changing this opening sentence however - it is a generalization and you are saying that it is absolute/final. ANY essay grader or professor will immediately challenge you and see this writing as very poor.) In frustrating situations, we try to seek* out the easy way for a gainful result. Violence, one of the most hackneyed methods to achieve our goals, is not the answer, like many may believe.</p>

<p>^ To add to your views about violence, introduce the supporting evidence that you will use. And once again don’t write generalizations. Try something like: Violence, one of the most hackneyed methods to achieve our goals, is not the only means available and should not be condoned under numerous circumstances. When some make efforts to respond to a problem, aggression and retaliation are easy to choose and easily lead people to think narrow-mindedly. </p>

<p>2nd Paragraph - “Over the course of history, many bloody and violent acts resulted in more problems and deaths. The French Revolution is a perfect example. The peasants and the middle-class of France suffered decades from the tyrannical reign of the monarchs. Anger broil as the king continually requests heavy taxing from starving peasants for his own sybarite lifestyle. The rebels sought the immediate and easy answer for the French Revolution - violence. After the king were overthrown and the aristocrats bloodily slaughtered, the peasants and middle-class soon find themselves in the hold of another tyrant as the Reign of Terror starts. Thus, it shows that violence does not solve the existing problems for the French but increased their predicament.”</p>

<p>Make sure that there is not only grammatical parallelism but that you are consistent with your tenses. You started off with the past tense and then threw in present tense. It makes it confusing for you and choppy for the reader. Good use of some vocabulary like predicament and sybarite, but elaborate on the “next tyrant.” I’m sure that you know about the following events, so show the reader that you know your history and it will make the paragraph much better.</p>

<p>3rd paragraph - “Ghandi and the French peasants had a similar goal in mind-to overthrow an existing government. In India, Ghandi saw the way the British government abused the Indians and robbed them of their capitals. He sought independence. However, unlike the French, Ghandi used a more difficult way to achieve independence- civil disobedience and non-violent acts. Ghandi persistently insisted to suffer abuse and violence from the government without “hitting back”. His choice of method made him suffer and starve for a long durantion of time. However, everything was paid back as India regained its independence soon after and was rid of any tyrannical rules.”</p>

<p>Duration, not durantion, and Gandhi*. You should also use his first name in the first sentence of the paragraph, and then you can just say Gandhi. Again, elaborate more and show the readers that you know your history and you aren’t just spitting out generalizations at them. You have good ideas, but don’t let them go to waste.</p>

<p>Conclusion - “In conclusion, even though violence may seem like a quick and easy way out for many problems, it is, indeed, actually an aggravator for more disasters.”</p>

<p>Aggravator isn’t a word and it’s not stylistically acceptable anymore to say “in conclusion.” Google some ways to start your conclusion, using terms like thus, all in all, etc. Universalize your concluding statement a little bit more and summarize what you said about the French Revolution and Gandhi’s actions to tie everything together neatly.</p>

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<p>@ispiratabyblue
Thank you so much for writing all this comments for me! :slight_smile: I am Chinese but I’ve been living in U.S. for over 6 years already. My English essays normally get As and A+s since I have the liberty of spending lots of time at home going over it repetitively. I need to seriously improve on writing grammatically correct in a short amount of time. Thanks again for your helpful criticisms!</p>

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<p>No problem fairyfantasy! Good luck! :)</p>

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<p>Oh okay, I just asked because that prompt is not a good indicator of actual SAT essay prompts. SAT essay prompts tend to be yes or no questions.</p>