Can someone please read my college essay?

College Essays
1

<p>The topic was “Where you feel most at home”</p>

<p>If someone could give me a point in the right direction on grammar and if this is any good or not, that would be amazing! Thank you :slight_smile: </p>

<p>The flourishing wind of the Scottish Highlands surrounded me in a breezy gust as I looked down below at the sprawling city of Glasgow on the grassy hill where I stood. The buildings twinkled in the frosty sunlight, gleaming like little stars in the valley flushed with energy; cars turned down alleyways and tight corners, people walked here and there; ones rushing with purpose, others simply strolled. The hill was silent where I stood, for my family had wandered to the loch on the opposite hillside, and I sat happily in isolated bliss. I looked over to the snowcapped mountains of the highlands, huge and absorbing, dominating the skyline like giants sitting on the rocky bluffs laced with the emerald green foliage of a pure Scottish view. A overwhelming sense of belonging and peace washed over me like a wave. My heart fluttered like a butterfly, free and joyous.
Glasgow is described as “Scotland’s Jewel of the East”. This was the city where my ancestors built ships that sailed across entire oceans. This was the city where my dad once laughed and played in. This was the city where my beloved family lived, loving and kind, for generations and beyond, in a ancient city of secrets and stories. Even though I moved to America when I was young, I always had a emotional attachment to this city. It was like a magnet, drawing me in with each hypnotic zap of culture, homeliness and grandeur, filling me with the upmost content and appeasement. As a forward and ambitious person, Glasgow brings the excitement of my inner adventurer to light.
Living in Florida, with the hot humid air clogging your nose and leaving you grumpy and irritated, the arrival of the day when I finally traveled to Glasgow never failed to make me excited, for I could have a whole new adventure just waiting to be played out, For I am the hunter, while Glasgow is the treasure, begging for me to uncover its riches. Glasgow was, literally and figuratively, a breath of fresh air. It pushes life into me, filling my body with a sparking sense of curiosity that makes me want to see, do and touch everything around this city. From the famous Corinthian to the St Andrew’s Cathedral, I have walked these halls with a bursting curiosity to know everything about it, its history, its story. That curiosity reminds me what it’s like to be a kid again, carefree and lively. Like many who visit, my family’s city speaks wonders for me, like no other place on earth.I can say, I am truly changed by this city. A place where I finally am myself, with ones who I love, where I can look at my family heritage and be proud of who I am and where I come from. You are where your heart lies and I am grateful to give my heart to this wonderful place. A place where I feel most at home, even if it’s a thousand miles away. </p>

2

<p>Sounds more like a novel than a college essay…. don’t know if that’s good or bad</p>

3

<p>It’s a very descriptive piece, to say the least.</p>

<p>I think you should focus more on describing why it makes you feel at home instead of descriptively talking about Glasgow itself. The admissions officers (I am assuming this is a college essay) will want to know more about you. They want to see you shine through this essay, not the city. if you can, think of some specific places in Glasgow that are exciting for you. If they have fantastic museums that you have visited and you like, you may want to talk a bit about those, and go deeper into the “intellectual curiosity” motif.</p>

<p>Maybe dwell a bit about St. Andrew’s Cathedral. If you’re religious, perhaps you can make a connection between your own religion and to the worshipers there long ago.</p>

<p>They want to see intellectual firepower. Vividly describing Glasgow is one thing, but go a bit more specific as to how Glasgow is different. You’ve got a great start - establishing a meaningful connection with your father’s childhood, ancestors building ships, etc. But, suppose 3 other kids from Scotland were to write about Glasgow. How would you make yours different? Show your personality and if possible incorporate some of your personal interests that are in the city.</p>

<p>Your diction and sentence structure are wonderful; It’s not very simplistic language, but its not overbearingly pompous. It was a fun and interesting read, good luck with your essay!</p>

4

<p>Your first sentence has some serious structural problems. For one, your use of “flourishing” is somewhat confusing. It may be correct (I dunno what the wind was actually doing, you do) but it creates a moment of confusion as it’s not exactly a typical adjective for wind. </p>

<p>Examining the second half of the first sentence, “I looked down below at the sprawling city of Glasgow on the grassy hill where I stood,” it’s evident that your sentence needs to be rephrased. The current order creates confusion as to whether Glasgow is on the hill, you are on the hill, or you both are, in which case Glasgow must be awful small for you to be looking down at it.</p>

<p>Your second sentence needs to be split up into several smaller sentences. Either that or you need to find out a way to get a parallel structure in there. As it is now it’s a painful run-on for no real reason.</p>

<p>Moving on: “My heart fluttered like a butterfly, free and joyous.” I nearly laughed aloud at this point. This sentence strikes me as so clearly exaggerated as to be completely ridiculous. In all honesty, I doubt whoever reads this will take it seriously either.</p>

<p>Moving forward a few sentences: “This was the city where my beloved family lived, loving and kind, for generations and beyond, in a ancient city of secrets and stories.” “Beloved family, loving and kind” is really really redundant. It’s also a bit much. I’m sure you love your family, but you don’t need to rub your reader’s face in it quite so much.</p>

<p>Let’s keep going: “As a forward and ambitious person, Glasgow brings the excitement of my inner adventurer to light.” Glasgow is not, in fact, a forward and ambitious person, unless I’ve been sorely misinformed. The modifying phrase “As a forward and ambitious person” needs to be directly connected to what it modifies (namely, you) to be grammatically correct. </p>

<p>I would do the rest but I wanna sleep. I’ll be back in a few days if you still want more advice.</p>

5

<p>Thank you for the advice everyone, I’ll work on it later, this is my first college essay that I ever wrote and I’m just learning</p>

6

<p>Okay, I’m back. </p>

<p>“Glasgow was, literally and figuratively, a breath of fresh air.” No, it’s not. Make sure you’re precise with your language!</p>

<p>“From the famous Corinthian to the St Andrew’s Cathedral, I have walked these halls with a bursting curiosity to know everything about it, its history, its story.” Your use of “its” is a bit awkward here, as it’s not immediately clear what it refers to. You probably ought to use the word Glasgow at some point in here.</p>

<p>On a more general note: Be careful about your misplaced modifiers, they’ve been a trend through this work. Watch out for sentence fragments. Cut down on the flowery language some, or at the least circle every adjective and look them up to make sure you’re using them correctly.</p>