can someone please read my essay? (i need a person who isn't my mom to edit)

College Essays
1

<p>so here it is. i’m applying to small LACs. so far my top choice is Bennington. here goes… </p>

<p>“whoooo… are… yoooou?” a sing-songy voice enunciates from behind me. I turn to face it’s source. A large, green, caterpillar sits atop a towering mushroom. slightly more impatiently, he poses his question. “who… are… you?” As he speaks, his enormous lips move to meticulously form each distinct syllable. His buggy eyes stare down at me, he waits for my answer poised like a lion stalking it’s prey…
I’m seated in a wooden chair staring at my computer screen. There isn’t really a caterpillar behind me. In front of me sits the list of common application essay topics. both the caterpillar, and anyone else reading this essay, want to know the same thing. “who are you?” they coo.
I’m tempted to answer the question in the same way Alice answered the caterpillar “Why, I hardly know, sir. I’ve changed so much since this morning, you see…” Like Alice, I have also changed rapidly within a very short time.
a fierce wind blows through the mountains as my icy hand struggle to mix the cement. it is december 2010 and I am in Chismaunte, Ecuador helping to put the finishing touches on what will be one of five new classrooms. the afternoon bell rings and out of dilapidated trailers rush one hundred or so smiling school children. they eagerly run towards their mamas and begin to relay their school day in rapid Quechua to anyone who would listen.
I am seated at a plastic desk in a dreary math room. there is a window but, for some reason my teacher refuses to open the shade. the few cracks of sunlight that manage to maneuver through the shade are swiftly negated by the harsh florescent lighting. my teacher is droning at us about exponential functions. my mind wanders back to Ecuador. I remember how excited each and every child was about the prospect of attending school. I can barley remember the last time school made me excited.
fast forward a few months. I am in the car with my mom. through some conniving (my mom dragged me to an open house without telling me where we were going) I am off to my shadow day at the Waldorf High School of the Peninsula. from the moment I arrived, I realized that something was truly different here. I witnessed a math class where we measured conic sections by drawing the shadows of bouncy balls and a history class featuring a role played debate of the American revolution. by the end of the day, I realized that I had done something I thought was impossible for a day of high school. I had fun. And I wanted more of it.
I have since transferred to Waldorf and I’m now a happy senior who has rediscovered her love of learning. So I guess I do have an answer to the caterpillar’s question. Who am I? I am someone who has embraced change, enjoys having fun, and most importantly, I am someone who loves to learn.</p>

2

<p>Don’t post your whole essay online, ask people to read and PM them your essays. While you don’t risk getting the whole thing stolen (who else has gone to ecuador and transfered to Waldorf?), you do risk getting caught for plagiarizing yourself, and people may steal phrases. Take this post down. </p>

<p>On to real commentary: every single person who applies to college remembers sitting in front of a computer screen being asked who they were. Yes, it is cute to compare the essay prompt to the caterpillar in Alice and Wonderland, but it’s still unnecessary. Use the caterpillar in a different way—I would suggest quoting a few lines, and then saying how you identify w/ Alice, since you have changed rapidly. (If I were you, I’d include a joke line about not having had to eat cake/mushrooms to change, but I’m not you, so feel free to ignore this if it doesn’t fit your voice.)</p>

<p>Since you’re cutting out a few lines by not talking about writing the essay, use those lines to explain why your math class was dreary. Did you just not care about exponential functions? Don’t say that, you sound uninterested in learning. Was it too much memorization, and not enough critical thinking? Say that, you shouldn’t have to memorize ANYTHING in a well taught high school math class. (If you can’t derive every equation you use, your teacher isn’t teaching.)</p>

<p>Also, fix your capitalization. You don’t want to leave it till the last minute, and then leave an error. And don’t say, “I guess.” Be decisive. You have an answer.</p>

3

<p>you shouldn’t post your essay online because of privacy security</p>

4

<p>i liked the essay</p>

5

<p>I like the intro of this essay, it draws the reader in.
You should differentiate more so the difference between the dreary math classroom and the fun one. Better transitions at the last paragraph too.</p>