<p>Hi. I am looking for someone who can look over my essay and give me constructive criticism. I don’t mind if you tear my essay apart. Thanks in advance for the help!</p>
<p>Some students have a background or story that is so central to their identity that they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story.
My pupils slowly widened as I stared through the lens, adjusting my eyes to the dark and focusing my vision on the Snellen chart taped on the wall. Unbeknownst to me and my mom who accompanied me to my eye exam, the life I once believed I knew was merely an illusion of childhood naivety. In my life, there have been countless experiences of failure and redemption that have brought about my transition from childhood into adulthood. However, my encounter with close permanent blindness remains a pivotal moment in my life, since it not only served as a rite of passage, but also incited me to reexamine my life.
It was during the winter and spring of my eighth grade year when I first learned of a rare condition called optic neuritis. During the winter break, my mom and I took the transit bus to an optician clinic in Chinatown. After arriving in New York City, I found myself in the doctor’s office, waiting for my optometrist to prescribe me stronger glasses. Instead, the optician disclosed to me and my mom her suspicions that I might have an inflammation of the optic nerve, which can lead to partial or complete loss of vision. At that moment, I felt as if the world stopped moving, and I remember clinging onto my mom’s arms, asking her “why me?” As the snow melted and buds of life sprouted from the earth, I silently contemplated my life, life after death, and the mysterious workings of the universe.
After discovering I could possibly become blind, I fell into a depression and lost my sense of self in brooding introspection, futilely seeking my personal truths to life. Whenever I was with my parents, I put up an indifferent façade, but internally, I feared that I could no longer see the changing of the seasons, the dancing flames of birthday candles, and the sight of my younger brother mocking my obnoxious buckteeth. I was terrified about what awaited me. I feared that I may not see the full blooming of cherry blossoms, swaying in the spring wind. I was always mesmerized by the beauty and fragility of cherry blossoms, and the storm of pink petals tugged at something in my heart. I cupped them in my hands, closed my eyes, and yearned to make sense of what I could not control.
A week later, I reported for an MRI screening. Changing into a white hospital gown filled me with an overwhelming sense of dread. I was led into a room that contained the MRI device and I laid down to be loaded into the chamber. The space was dominated by turning orbs of light and dissonant noises. With my eyes shut, I felt almost at peace. In the chamber, I reconsidered my life and my mortality. Although I felt so alone in the dark, I reflected on my anguish, and it occurred to me that I might be able to see and that I should concentrate on the present rather than thinking of the past and the unknown future.
When the fated results of the MRI came out, the retina specialist informed me and my family that there were no signs of neither inflammation nor brain tumor. I clearly remember witnessing my stoic and resilient parents crying for the first time. Although my parents are emotionally distant, this experience reaffirmed their love and affection, which I had failed to perceive. In essence, the prospect of blindness allowed me to look at the world in a different light. I have gained a matured perception, and I realized that metaphysical concepts like love and happiness cannot be seen but felt. Through this experience, I have become more aware of not only the brevity of life, but also the importance of family and focusing on what truly matters. I try never to lose sight of that.</p>
<p>2nd line: …me and my mom (COMMA) who accompanied…
2nd paragraph: when you first learn about something, it is one time. so either winter or spring. and it will lower word , count. and “mysterious workings of the universe” is irrelevant to the topic–delete
4th paragraph: add in brief description of MRI screening. the events should be more chronological like put “Upon , entering the hospital, I was given a white hospital gown giving me a sense of dread”
Overall: the essay only has a few sentences at the end about what you learned from the event. you should put less , about your story and more about your resulting identity</p>
<p>can you read my UC statement (by message)?</p>
<p>Thanks for your comments. I will revise my essay using your suggestions. And yes I will 
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