<p>can somone read my essay for UC?</p>
<p>Describe the world you come from for example, your family, community or school and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.</p>
<pre><code>Our school nickname was Nothview Country Club High School. As soon as I attended the high school, I immediately felt left out. My classmates and other students were blatantly wealthier than I was. Of course, my self-esteem did go lower than I expected, but I did not see how superficial my high school was until my late high school years. That was the school I grew up in: a student will come up with a rich trendy fad and a week later, everyone else would do exactly what the student did. I hate to say it, but I was part of the conforming crowd as well. And, soon enough, I learned that there are more virtuous ways to look fad then just following the rich cool kid.
Materialism was seen as a religion at my school. We were a bunch of sheep, where if one student does one thing, the others would follow. Northview High School was a school where the students spent thousands of dollars on clothes and drove better cars than the faculty members did. Money was the only thing on the students minds. Maybe, this was the reason the most popular major the students wanted to major in was business. I used to think the exact same during my first year in high school. I would beg my mom for money so I can obtain the necessity to make me popular. However, it was when I went to Mexico for a mission trip one summer that I learned money was not everything that can lead to true joy and happiness. Since then, my future goal was not about the money I was going to obtain, but it was more about the happiness I was eventually going to pursue. No longer is it the rich clothes brand or the fancy cars that are made, but the product of creativity and happiness that will make me content with my life.
Rather than business, I want to pursue my career in engineering. I believe I can really put my creativity into a positive use to society. Money is no longer my first priority anymore happiness is. I am not saying Northview High School was a miserable experience for me, but some flaws from the students who attended the school made me a different person. Because of the school, I prevent myself from seeing a single minded future of money and materialistic values and say there are other things besides wealth that can make a person truly happy.
</code></pre>
<p>Just some basic grammar touch ups in this version below:</p>
<p>Our school nickname was Nothview “Country Club” High School. As soon as I attended the high school, I immediately felt left out. My classmates and other students were blatantly wealthier than I was. Of course, my self-esteem sank, but I did not see how superficial my high school was until my late high school years. That was the school I grew up in: a student will come up with a rich trendy “fad” and a week later, everyone else would do exactly what the student did. I hate to say it, but I was part of the conforming crowd as well. And, soon enough, I learned that there are more virtuous ways to look “fad” then just following the rich cool kid.</p>
<p>Materialism was seen as a religion at my school. We were a bunch of sheep, where if one student does one thing, the others would follow. Northview High School was a school where the students spent thousands of dollars on clothes and drove better cars than the faculty members did. Money was the only thing on the students’ minds. Maybe, this was the reason the most popular major the students wanted to pursue was business. I thought the same thing during my first year. I would beg my mom for money so I can obtain the necessity to make me popular. However, a mission trip to Mexico one summer taught me that money was not everything that can lead to true joy and happiness. Since then, my future goal has been not about the money I was going to obtain, but about the happiness I will pursue. No longer the rich clothes brand or the fancy cars that are made, but the product of creativity and happiness that will make me content with my life.</p>
<p>Rather than business, I want to pursue my career in engineering. I believe I can really put my creativity to a positive use for society. Money is no longer my first priority – happiness is. I am not saying Northview High School was a miserable experience for me, but some flaws in the students who attended the school made me a different person. Because of the school, I prevent myself from seeing a single-minded future of money and materialistic values and say there are other things besides wealth that can make a person truly happy.</p>
<hr>
<p>As to the essay as a whole, it doesn’t really work for me. I clearly see the point you want to make, but I don’t feel the sincerity. I’m sure you DO mean everything so say, so I would avoid cliches when possible. Also, you mention the mission trip to Mexico as the turning point, but don’t come back to it. Later, you cite the school as changing your opinion. Perhaps you should focus more on how the experience altered your opinion, and how it changed your perspective than on describing the merits of happiness over wealth.</p>
<p>thank you for the revision</p>