note: my teacher said I shouldn’t submit this because it sounds like a “teenage girl novel” but I like it very much, this is 100% real, here it is
“You want to throw your life away, out of the window?”
That was my dad, a bit shaken in his voice, not with anger, but with disappointment. The object of the scolding was me, unresponsive and soaked in sea-water.
The sea is merciless, and even on the most calming days, with its surface glimmering delicately like an endlessly expanding shard of glass, it still kills. The life guards at the beach near my house witness deaths monthly, if not weekly, and a lot of those who were killed had been quite proficient swimmers.
Dad forbid me to swim in the sea for the reason, and I was only allowed to wander in the local swimming pool, which is ironically built right beside the beach. I was not very obedient, however, and I usually wandered around for a kilometer or two out in the sea, by myself. Until that one day when dad found out about my adventures, and stopped me from going swimming entirely. Dad was a busy man, though, so he couldn’t always be there to keep me away from the waves.
One day as I was casually (and of course, secretly) going to get my daily swim, I caught sight of this new classmate of mine, sitting on the sand and glancing out at the waves. She still sat there after I had finished my routine, with the same glancing eyes.
So I decided to talk to her.
“Care for a swim?”
“I can’t.”
“Ah come on, it’s fun worrying your folks a bit.”
“No I literally can’t. Go away.”
She came to the same spot a few times a week, still with the same glancing eyes. I liked those eyes.
A few days later I decided that if the girl couldn’t swim, then maybe I should accompany her on her strolls and glances. She became more open up to me, we talked more about our hobbies and likings. She had a special fondness for cats, but she’s allergic to them.
She was also the top student in our class, scoring 10 out of 10 on nearly every test, and even though she had a habit of consistently sleeping during lessons, which, needless to say, bothered our teachers a lot. One day, though, she didn’t sleep, she fainted, and we all had to rush her into the hospital. That day, through various sources (okay it was her mother), I knew that she was suffering from this particular chronic illness, the one we refer to as cancer.
The thing about humans is that we would want nothing more than to prove that we are strong when we are at our weakest. The girl, she continued to study harder and harder every night when the final term approached, and from my concerned eyes, she was growing frailer and frailer. Honestly though, she wasn’t very intellectually bright, so she could do nothing but continuing to cram more and more, exhausting herself in the process. She wanted to go to the US, and she was doing everything to obtain that dream of hers. Maybe she was doing too much.
So I decided to talk to her.
“Stop that.”
“Stop what?”
“What you’re doing. You need to ease up a bit, you’re wearing yourself out.”
“You can’t tell me what to do. You are strong. I am weak. I want to be strong. Don’t care for me like I’m some fragile being.”
“You want to throw your life away, out of the window?”
And we broke up. I came home, a bit vacuous, but I was okay. Okay I lied I was really, really sad. I even composed a piece on my piano just to capture the feeling. A part of that sorrow was just plain sadness from losing someone, but there was also worry. And while I was running through my piano with endless “what-ifs” inside my mind, I started to realize how strikingly similar caring for someone and inhibiting their will really is. Dad genuinely cared for me, no doubt, but to me his act was nothing more than an obstruction of my venturesome spirit.
It’s hard caring for someone you treasure a lot; you never know when’s enough and when’s too much. But it was great having someone to treasure as well.
The sea is sure beautiful today, with it’s soothing waves. But I think I’ll just stick to the swimming pool. Wouldn’t want to worry Dad, it’s hard enough for him worrying about me.
I’m sorry, but I agree absolutely with your teacher.
What exactly in this essay is supposed to give an adcom a reason to say yes to your application?
It’s a bit hard to follow-- you go from disobeying your dad by swimming in the ocean to stalking a girl to breaking up with a girl to swimming in a pool.
But what positive attributes are you trying to showcase? Why would I want you in my school over someone else?
Thanks a lot really 
I have a sounder essay which is better all-round, but I just want opinions of others on this one. I guess I was just overcomplicating things afterall.
You’re welcome.
The best of luck to you!