Can someonePLEASE read my essay?

Little_Duck · July 24, 2008, 2:02pm

Don’t know where else to put this. It’s for my English 1A class currently taking during the summer.

Basically it’s an essay about profiling a place, you describe it and talk about it etc. I wrote this in a few hours but I don’t want to turn it in without someone else reading it for mistakes. And it’s due today!

It would greatly be appreciated.

Some things to keep in mind:

-My prof. is actually a high school teacher.
-He likes our conclusions to be the most important part
-He’s not very strict

<pre><code> It is 9:05 on a Saturday morning and I pull into the parking lot of ******. It is my first day as a volunteer at the hospital and I am already late by five minutes. Normally one would be expected to be apprehensive or anxious about going to a hospital for a reasons having to with a medical illness or ailment, but I am worried because I have had no exposure to the environment inside the hospital. I would be volunteering in the Emergency room and the name sounds daunting enough. However, I knew I would have to deal with it because I had to complete the one hundred hour minimum I signed up for. I assumed it was only going to be a fast paced, high stressed working environment but I soon found out that it had much more to offer.

When I arrive at the hospital the parking lot is seemingly already filled to capacity and I am forced to find a vacant spot in the furthest away zone. The hospital seems relatively ordinary from the exterior. Theres a large water fountain in the center with a few kids playing around it, theres an abundance of benches surrounding the fountain, and a small lounge area for employees. There are not too many people outside except for a few guests who are probably visiting family and some employees on a smoke break. I feel awkward as I make my way to the entrance, wearing my blue scrub top and baggy white pants. People stare at me saying to themselves, Does that kid really work here?.

I wanted to volunteer at the hospital for a few reasons. The main reason was because I needed some community service hours for my college application but I also felt it would benefit me since I wanted to pursue a future profession in the medical field. My brother had volunteered at the hospital as well and he told me it would be a good experience for me. He volunteered at the gift shop but always regretted not expanding outside of that so he made sure to tell me to try something different. I had the option to volunteer in other sections of the hospital but I chose Emergency because it sounded like it would have the most activity.

I walk through the entrance and down to the reception desk to ask the lady where the ER is. It is ten minutes past nine and I have yet to reach the place. The lady directs me and I proceed. On the way I see the gift shop and the volunteer working there. She is half asleep with her face buried inside a magazine. As I get closer to the ER I see doctors and nurses walking through the hallways with no expression on their faces. After getting lost a few times I finally make my way into the lobby of the ER and see the front desk nurse. I tell her that Im a volunteer and it is my first day. I expected her to say, Youre late, but she instead presses the buzzer and lets me in. There is another volunteer already there and my immediate thought is that I was replaced because I am late. The front desk nurse, Gloria, starts explaining to me what my job is and how I can help her. She seems friendly but I wonder if shell remain this way. She tells me that my job is to help file the info of recently registered patients and to take family members into the back to visit patients. I take a glance at the nearly empty lobby and figure it will be easy. The other volunteer sitting at a desk, Taylor, introduces herself to me. She tells me that it is her first day as well and that she has no idea what to do. Our shift is until 12:00 in the afternoon so I decide it would be a good idea to make friends with this girl to make the time pass by. Neither of us has any experience working in the ER, or any other part of the hospital, so we decide to help each other out. It turns out she actually attends the same school as me, Rancho Cucamonga High School, but is about two years younger than me.

For the first hour only a few patients check in and I rarely need to leave my seat. Gloria tells me that I can take a look around the ER and ER south since I didnt have anything else to do. I go into the back and I see nearly twenty hospital beds with patients occupying the majority of them. One visitor takes out his cell phone and is scolded by one of the nurses for using it since its not allowed in that area. The nurses stare at me with what felt like disdain, making me feel like I shouldnt be there. I proceed to ER south which treats minor ailments as opposed to the ER where all cases are handled. Nothing in there was too attention grabbing so I head back to my desk. There is still more than two hours left on my shift and I am bored out of my mind.

I look at the clock and its nearly 11:00 and Im falling asleep. Taylor looks at me in acknowledgement but just as I open my mouth to tell her how boring this place is, a man comes running to the front desk window yelling that he was in a bike accident and split his head open. Followed by him was a lady who nearly cut her index finger off trying to cut vegetables. All of a sudden the line is getting longer and people are piling into the lobby. The front desk nurse starts telling me to go into the back to check with the nurses to check new patients into beds. I go into the back and realize I have no idea which nurse I am supposed to talk to. I start to ask all of them and I proceed to get yelled at by them for bothering them. I started to realize that the staff had no regard for who you were in the hospital, but that you simply did things right the first time. Gloria tells Taylor to take a patient into bed nineteen to be admitted and she does so but there was no bed in the room. One of the nurses gives Taylor an earful for just leaving the patient there. Taylor explains to her that she didnt know and that she did what she was told but the nurse seemingly ignored what she said. I feel like I am just a burden to everyone there, but Gloria says to me that there isnt a job in the world where you dont make mistakes and that you will learn from them.

Before I started at the hospital my impression of the Emergency room was that the staff had no tolerance for incompetence and that things had to be done right the first time. I thought I would be working alone and would rarely communicate with people. For the first few hours the ER was mundane and stress free. It contrasted with everything I thought about it until the last hour. Then it became everything I thought it would be. Every time I made a mistake I felt like a failure and incompetent. However, I realized that it was all part of the process. Gloria told me that no matter where I worked I would have to adjust and get acclimated in time. I worked at the hospital the remainder of the year and each day it became more enjoyable. I became good friends with Taylor and I found myself becoming more personable and sociable. I could communicate with patients without feeling awkward and that made the job more enjoyable. The hospital taught me lessons that I can use later on in life as well. After the first day in the ER I felt the urge to quit or transfer to another section. I didnt like being talked down but it didnt matter where I was, because I would have to deal with it everywhere as a new worker. I gained more experience each day and I made less mistakes. That is how any job I pursue in the future will be and the only way to get through problems I have with them is to endure them.
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if you would prefer to read it in Word Document format then post your email and I’ll email it to you. Or just PM me and tell me your email address.

Thanks!

siglio21 · July 24, 2008, 3:24pm

nice…but it feels a bit overly structured

olgita · July 24, 2008, 4:46pm

“late by five minutes”

five minutes late

“a reasons having to with a medical illness or ailment”

because of illness

"People stare at me saying to themselves, “Does that kid really work here?”. "

People stare at me saying to themselves, “Does that kid really work here?”

"The main reason was because I needed some community service hours for my college application but I also felt it would benefit me since I wanted to pursue a future profession in the medical field. "

The main reason was because I needed some community service hours for my college application, but I also felt it would benefit me since I wanted to pursue a profession in the medical field.

“She is half asleep with her face buried inside a magazine.”

She is half asleep with her face buried in a magazine.

"There is still more than two hours left on my shift and I am bored out of my mind. "

" I start to ask all of them and I proceed to get yelled at by them for bothering them."

So awkward…reword this somehow.

“I didn’t like being talked down but it didn’t matter where I was, because I would have to deal with it everywhere as a new worker.”

I didn’t like being talked down to but it didn’t matter where I was, because I would have to deal with it everywhere as a new worker.

There are still more than two hours left on my shift and I am bored out of my mind.

“I gained more experience each day and I made less mistakes.”

I gained more experience each day and I made fewer mistakes.

“That is how any job I pursue in the future will be and the only way to get through problems I have with them is to endure them.”

That is how any job I pursue in the future will be, and the only way to get through problems I have with them is to endure them.

olgita · July 24, 2008, 4:47pm

Most importantly, show, don’t tell! Where is your dialogue? Why is the narration so flat? Make the sentences more interesting, cut out the boring, unnecessary details, and you will have a decent piece. Right now, it’s rather mediocre, but if your teacher doesn’t have very high standards, you will probably be fine.

Can someonePLEASE read my essay?

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