Wise fellow parents, may I get your opinion? Our rising senior son has his first serious girlfriend…for this girlfriend, my S is her first serious boyfriend. They went out for 3 months (mostly hanging out at houses) and it moved very quickly…quicker than we (both moms) imagined and suddenly my S came to me and said, “btw, I’m not a virgin anymore.” (I actually have to laugh about this part because he told me as we were on the highway, driving home from the SAT….good thing I was able to stay on the road as I nodded sagely!) .
They had 2 encounters in this way before he told me…and then both left for summer programs right away that had been long-planned and have been in different cities for almost 2 months. They both return this weekend. They have communicated only by text. The mom of the girl – sadly and with misgivings (her daughter is only going to be a junior this September) but wanted to be realistic too – has her daughter on a very dependable form of birth control). But both she and I – over a glass of rose on front porch – ask ourselves, “so that’s it? They have sex going forward and that’s that?” Neither of us are the kind of moms who are comfortable with teenagers having sex in the house with us around….but neither of us want them to go underground. I guess I’m flummoxed….and we have a full year ahead of us with no sign of a breakup in the future. Man, I wish they had waited for college so we wouldn’t have had to deal with this (that’s what I did, one million years ago).
Well, they’re not going underground since you already know. If you don’t want them to use your house as a love nest, you continue with the rules you’ve always had. For instance, no gf unless a parent is home (and awake!), no closed doors, whatever your rules were before. You won’t stop it from happening again, and you don’t have to make a deal deal about it. BUT, you don’t have to give the amorous activity your blessing/stamp of approval either.
It is tremendous that you and the girlfriend’s mom have a good enough relationship with your kids that this is out in the open. You have done a good job raising them. You need to decide what you are comfortable with – and understand the consequences of any decision. For example: “No sex in the house.” So they should have sex in a car? I’m not trying to put those words in your mouth – just positing a not-very-happy scenario.
It’s hard to advise you without knowing what your inclinations/principles are. It’s also hard to advise you without knowing where you live and what the laws of your state are and how old these two are. I’d have to check, but I’m pretty sure that there are states in which intercourse between an 18 year old and a 16 year old [which is not impossible for a senior and a junior] would be a crime.
I don’t know that I’d give consent for them to engage at home, but I’d turn a blind eye to it if they did so discretely as id rather they do it at home.
Hoping I don’t have to face this dilemma. lol. D is definitely going on BC for college and I’ll be fine with her bringing a boyfriend home and share a room at that time as they will both be adults.
I’ve got to say that the main thing I thought when reading the OP’s story wasn’t that this was a dilemma. The main idea I got from it was “Wow! A teenage boy told his mom that he and his serious girlfriend were having responsible sex within a loving relationship!” I’m impressed with him and with you (and with the girl and her mom, too.) Honest communication! You should be proud, @LilyPad22
Sorry…I actually laughed out loud when I read that he casually told you while you were on the highway driving home from the SAT. That being said, I have no other advice other than to tell your son to use a condom. Be glad that your son talks to you and that you seem to have a nice relationship with the mom.
I think you’re within your rights to say no sex in the house. I mean, even if they were, say, late twenties and a dating couple, they wouldn’t come to your house, head right up to the bedroom and go at it while the rest of the family was socializing downstairs. I would continue with whatever rules you already had in place.
And so they have sex in a car. So what? The core thing is that they are protected with 2 forms of birth control.
This would upset me, but you handled it well. It’s great that he felt comfortable talking with you.
I would make sure that my son understood that it’s always possible to become a daddy as a teenager if you’re having sex, even with reliable forms of birth control. I would also want to know the laws in my state regarding the age of consent (since he is a little bit older than her it sounds like).
Yes, I was going to suggest checking the age of consent immediately. And other than that, good for you (and her mom) that they felt comfortable enough to tell you.
If I were the mother of a son, the girlfriend’s mother saying she had her daughter on a “very reliable form of birth control” would basically be irrelevant. Your son cannot assume that she uses this BC reliably. He should be taught to take 100% control over his own reproduction.
Not insisting that he practice his own form of birth control EVERY TIME is just playing with fire.
A friend of mine, in a similar situation, told me “her mom is an adolescent psychologist. She has her on birth control.” I told her that if he were my son, I would counsel against leaving something so important in another person’s hands. She rebuffed me.
And became a grandmother in short order. Her son was a junior in HS and has not yet attended college 3 years later. He’s working menial labor jobs and everyone is miserable.
MODERATOR’S NOTE
The OP created a duplicate account to ask this question, which is a violation of Terms of Service. I’m leaving the thread open, because it is a question that can help other users, but be aware that the OP will not be responding to any questions.
Well, if the “very reliable form of BC” is an implant or IUD (frequently used by young women these days) , that would make it quite reliable in terms of preventing pregnancy. However, condoms serve other purposes such as protection for both parties from many sexually transmitted diseases, something other means of BC don’t provide. I’ve always told my kids, “no love without the glove” and have purchased condoms for both my daughter and son. One definitely can’t assume sexual fidelity at this age.
I am more conservative on this issue than most on this board. I do congratulate you on the fact that your S felt comfortable telling you. I also agree your S should always use a condom. An additional reason is that BC, even reliable BC, doesn’t protect against STDs. You can’t just take it for granted that the young woman hasn’t been intimate with someone else; it is possible to get herpes without having actual intercourse.
The presence or absence of younger siblings in the home is also relevant.
It is anonymous after all. This is tame compared to many subjects discussed in the Parent Cafe. Never hurts to get a broad range of opinions.
Honestly, discussing it with a friend over coffee is more inappropriate IMO. I don’t think my kids would want other moms in the neighborhood knowing the intimate details of their personal sex lives.