Can y'all grade my essay?

<p>Prompt: Should we give people more praise in order to build up their self-confidence?</p>

<p>My grandma makes the best steamed fish. She garnishes a fresh fish with ginger, fresh green onions, and her special, delicious black sauce made of piquant soy sauce seasoned with red pepper. Every time my family and I go out to Zilker Park to visit her, she has three steaming plates of tender fish stimulating our taste buds.</p>

<p>It has truly become one of our family traditions. That is, until my grandfather passed away this April. My grandparents were inseparable. My grandfather took care of my grandmother when he still had strength, and my grandmother watched over my grandpa after he had a debilitating disease. She perfected the art of creating succulent dishes that were easy to chew and swallow: tofu, steamed eggs, crab porridge, and others.</p>

<p>However, upon my grandfather’s passing, my grandma became an entirely different person. She experienced melancholy depression, which lasted for several weeks. My family, relatives, and I often went to near Zilker Park to visit her and attempt to comfort her, but those steaming plates of delectable fish no longer awaited us. She would no longer leave her house to play poker cards with her neighbors and friends. She began to sleep on one side of the bed, which used to be my grandfather’s. When we went out to eat, she would usually just sit silently, often speaking when spoken to, answering with brevity.</p>

<p>Then, one day when we were near Zilker Park, at my grandma’s house, my dad bought live crabs for lunch. We cooked them and began to eat them, but decided that the crab meat would be better with some sauce. My mom mixed some soy sauce with chili sauce and brought it back to the table. My grandma suddenly came and quickly tasted the sauce with her fingers; she took it back to the kitchen and threw the sauce into the sink without a word. Quietly, she added minced garlic, some chopped basil, hot peppers, sesame oil and a bit of apple juice to some soy sauce. It blended perfectly with the crab and we showered our grandmother with praises. Soon, the sauce was all gone, but my grandma smiled and went to the kitchen to make more of her sauce. We devoured the crabs at a record-breaking pace, and we flooded grandma with more compliments. Afterwards, I went out to play catch-ball at the park with my sister. After a couple hours of playing, we headed back exhausted. As I walked in, I could make out the unmistakable aroma of my grandmother’s fish.</p>

<p>i would give it a 9 (i am no expert)
i liked the plot, but you would be better off if you write thesis and conclusion
yours is more like a narrative
i guess it’s safer to give at least 2 examples(1 from literature and 1 from personal experience) to support your thesis
anyhow, your vocabulary is good…</p>

<p>@mathsfreak: I think one of the sample essays in the Blue Book that scored 6 out of 6 was a narrative that didn’t have a stated thesis.</p>

<p>This is a great essay, benhpark. My only critique is that you should vary your sentence structure a bit more. A lot of your sentences, especially in paragraph 3, start with “She…” However, repetition could work in your favor if it felt more deliberate and anaphoric.</p>

<p>7/12
you ramble too much, you only explain WHY you chose that example in the last two sentences, the rest is giving a story of your grandma’s life…A LOT of you essay should be analysis and explaining how that relates to the prompt. However, you do the opposite and give a biography and explain in 2-3 sentences only. Basically EXPLAIN more and ANALYZE you examples more.</p>

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<p>Where?</p>

<p>

[quote]
After a couple hours of playing, we headed back exhausted. As I walked in, I could make out the unmistakable aroma of my grandmother’s fish.
[/quote=OP]

I never explained why I chose my example in the above set of sentences.</p>

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Can you explain where I “explain”?</p>

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Will explaining help?</p>

<p>first three pargraphs and the begining of the third paragraphs are just a biography…graders dont care about your grandma. they care about how that RELATES to your thesis and question.</p>

<p>i meant you only explain in the last two sentences. you need to elaborate more, so more than two sentences. Explaining why you chose an example is good, i made it seem like the opposite, sorry.</p>

<p>well if you think that you DIDN’T explain then you are surely wrong then. I credited you with 2-3 sentences of “explanation” just to make you feel as if you did but you actually didn’t. So no i cant "explain where you ‘explained’</p>

<p>YES YES YES. Analyzing is how you get 12s and 11s. You need to analyze and explain. I can give hundreds of examples or narratives about how praising someone will help them get confidence but its about how you ANALYZE you example and how you say “I chose this example BECAUSE…” … not in those words of course (too trite).</p>

<p>You didn’t answer the topic at all. All you did was tell some story about your grandma. What happened to praise and self-confidence?</p>

<p>0/12</p>

<p>12/12 for holding my attention.</p>

<p>From an SAT marker there are probably two possible perceptions of this essay:
a) Too narrative, sob story, lack of essay structure: 1-2
b) Engaging, though the prompt is not addressed sufficiently: 4-5</p>

<p>Given the volume of essays markers have to endure, anything short of brilliant is more likely to fall into category a).</p>

<p>Is it danger to use the narrative story on the test-day?</p>

<p>I’m developing benhpark’s “psychological disorders”–to correct mistakes ;)</p>

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<p>Recommendations basing on mistakes:
*Use of pronouns
*Tenses
*Grammatical structures.</p>

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It is the answer to the prompt!</p>

<p>It’s really very good and would get a 12 if it was relevant to the prompt, but as of now, it’s off-topic. I think you could write a few sentences before or after the whole thing, which would logically connect the story with the question, answering it and thus, getting you 12.</p>