Can you critique my essay plz??

<p>This is the essay on the jar of mustard:</p>

<p>I have to admit that thoughts of super-sized jars of mustard haven’t occupied too much of my thoughts lately. But now that I’ve read about it, I can’t fathom why anyone would buy a foot-and-a-half-tall jar of a condiment that a normal person uses no more than a couple times a week. Even the restaurant where I work, Friendly’s, orders regular-sized containers. One day, I’ll get a ride to Costco’s and spend the day standing next to the shelf with the now-famous jars of mustard. When a person picks one up, I’ll step forward and say: “I’m conducting a study for the University of Chicago and your input would be very appreciated. Would you please tell me what you intend to do with this abnormally huge jar of mustard?” Even though the nearest Costco is almost an hour away from me, I’m sure the results will be well worth it. At the very least I’ll get this nagging thought out of my head.
Perhaps the first customer will be an enormous mustard lover. In the morning, he’ll have eggs topped with a layer of mustard. During his lunch break, he’ll race over to the nearest hotdog stand, where he is a regular customer, and have his usual order. You can probably already know what it is. He can even get a pretzel there when he feels like a snack and dip it in-guess what? –mustard! Dinner will be steak covered in mustard and, of course, fries dipped in the same sauce. And if he really loves the stuff, he’ll have mustard-flavored ice cream with a mustard topping for dessert, as gross as that sounds. He’ll go online to check the latest news from the Association of Mustard Lovers (AML), of which he is an avid member. Then he’ll go to bed, dreaming of foot-and-a-half-tall jars of mustard sold at Costco’s…
After a half hour wait, the next customer arrives. He has spent the last twenty years trying to find a way to make gold out of common household goods and at last, he thinks he has found the solution. When I see him, he’s wearing a white lab coat covered with yellow stains. He rushes into the aisle, bumps into me without an apology and grabs not one, but three super-huge jars of mustard. When I open my mouth to ask him a question, he gives me a blank stare through his thick wire-rimmed glasses and rushes out to the cash register, muttering complicated chemical formulas under his breath. He runs to his old canary-colored car, throws the mustard into the back seat and races to his house. What used to be a living room has been converted into a mad scientist’s lab. Tables with bottles of chemicals, test tubes, science books and safety goggles cover every available square inch. And by the entrance, there is a huge pile of empty foot-and-a-half-tall jars of mustard sold at Costco’s…
Some may think that the AML member and the alchemist are crazy. But most people are just as crazy as they are, just not about mustard. Even I am. Thoughts of horses used to occupy my mind from the sound of my alarm clock in the morning to the moment I fell asleep in bed. Every spare minute was spent at the stable, sometimes riding, but most of the time taking care of the horses, cleaning the saddles, or simply talking with other like-minded individuals. My extra money went towards apples, carrots, sugar cubes and horseback riding lessons. The most frequently visited pages on the Internet were those that posted the latest news from the horse world, which I enthusiastically inhabited. At one point, I decided to take vaulting lessons when I didn’t even know how to jump onto a standing horse. But after countless practices and nearly getting trampled several times, I mastered some pretty difficult maneuvers at a trot and even canter. Tragedy struck when my favorite Arabian stallion got a tendon injury that was nearly impossible to cure. I did everything within my powers to help. I would pour cold water from a hose onto his legs, 30 minutes each for a total of two hours. Before someone else took him out for a lesson, I would wrap his legs with my own polo wraps. Every book that contained even a sentence on the condition was obtained and read thoroughly. I bought countless creams and leg ointments in the hope that one of them would produce the desired effect. Unfortunately, the leg never got any better, although while I was there, it didn’t get any worse either. Like the crazy alchemist, I never found the magical formula. Everybody at that time told me that the leg was incurable, but I persisted. Less than a year ago, I picked up a copy of an equine veterinary magazine and found a huge article on the same condition. New treatments were now available that could work over several years. So the leg was curable after all! It’s only thanks to the extremes of human imagination that our race has gotten to where it is today, namely insane people that keep showing up at odd times in history. This world depends on them.</p>

<p>change the last sentence from </p>

<p>this world depends on them</p>

<p>to </p>

<p>this world depends on a foot-and-a-half tall jars of mustard</p>

<p>Oooh, that's smart!! Thanks!</p>

<p>Your first paragraph is what you had to think through to get to your real essay. You should probably get rid of it and let the essay begin where it really starts-with the second paragroh. Then you could develop the whole thing around a straightforward analogy between the mustard-obsessed guy and you as a horse-obsessed person. That could be done in a very parallel fashion and could be very interesting and clearly structured!</p>

<p>Neat idea!</p>

<p>Hmmm... I actually kinda like the first paragraph. It allows the reader to get into your head and see how you think. </p>

<p>"I have to admit that thoughts of super-sized jars of mustard haven’t occupied too much of my thoughts lately."</p>

<p>Change that sentence though... to make it clear that BEFORE reading this prompt you never thought about it but AFTER you read the prompt you thought it was an interesting thing to think about.</p>

<p>the name of the store is Costco, not Costco's, by the way</p>

<p>I agree that the first para should be modified.</p>

<p>i thought it was funny. i laughed out loud when reading about the alchemist (because i pictured what your reaction would be when he took the mustard and ran to the cash register).
it ties in well (for the most part) with uchicago's motto, "life of the mind" but i have to ask: why do you think the first guy is obsessed with mustard? is it implied in the paragraph?</p>

<p>so the theme of your essay must be the extremities of the human mind, right? i sense that you want to show that you are creative through the craziness you felt for your horse (just like the AML member dreamt about mustard, you dreamt about your horse...). but does being passionate about horses really make you crazy? is the creative part when you tried to search for the "magic formula"? also, for how long was your horse injured?</p>

<p>i know there must be a stronger connection...just that it seemed vague to me the way it was written. i do know that you're trying to compare your obsession with horses with the mustard-lover extreme habits and your experience treating your horse's injury with the alchemist's search for a formula (for what, btw? to cure the world of something?) maybe try to explain the quirky ways with which your tried curing your horse (if any). did you pray? did you put bandage on it of a certain color for good luck? did you talk to your horse at all? did you see the vet? if not, explain why...maybe you have a quirky story to tell about why you chose not see the vet. did you feed it a certain diet during this time?</p>

<p>overall, i think you're successful in showing that you're an interesting person with a quirky mind and a unique experience.</p>

<p>ps: change "powers" to singular form</p>