Can you evaluate this practice essay please?

<p>This is the essay I wrote from practice test 5 out of the blue book. One other question too: is it advisable to read the quote or not? I usually don’t. </p>

<p>A mistakenly cynical view of human behavior holds that people are primarily driven by selfish motives: the desire for wealth, for power, or for fame. Yet history gives us many examples of individuals who have sacrificed their own welfare for a cause or a principle that they regarded as more important than their own lives. Conscience-that powerful inner voice that tells us what is right and what is wrong-can be a more compelling force than money, power, or fame.</p>

<p>Assignment: is conscience a more powerful motivator than money, fame, or power? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your readings, studies, or observations.</p>

<pre><code> Conscience is the ultimate motivator; money, fame, and power can not influence a person the same way a self driven instinct can. This theme appears regularly in everyday life and is supported in history and literature as well. Great Expectations, J Robert Oppenheimer, and Les Miserables all provide examples of how conscience is more influential than material gain.
In Charles Dicken’s novel, Great Expectations, Pip, the protagonist, is thrilled when he hears word that a rich benefactor has provided him with a large fortune to become a gentleman in London. In London, he scoffs at his old friends and becomes a conceited young man. His attitude is completely changed when he finds out his benefactor is an ex-convict he helped as a boy. At the end of the novel, Pip takes a job in the merchant business with a friend and works hard to make a decent living. Although he had been a lazy “gentleman” when motivated by money, he was a hardworking businessman once he came to realize his personal values.
J Robert Oppenheimer also worked best when motivated by conscience. Known as the “father of the atomic bomb” for his work in the Manhattan Project, Oppenheimer knew what it was like to be famous. However, for the rest of his life he adhered to his morals and values and worked tirelessly to limit the development of nuclear weapons. Although it would be foolish to undermine his accomplishments as a scientist, he was undoubtedly more motivated by his consience, which pushed him into volunteer work.
Javert, the police chief in Victor Hugo’s novel, Les Miserables, also shows the influence of conscience. Javert worked to rigidly uphold the law throughout the novel, but he was overcome with the protagonist’s selfless deeds at the end of the novel. After chasing Valjean, the protagonist, throughout the whole story, Javert committed suicide when he had the chance to capture Valjean because he was overcome by Valjeans selfless deeds, most notably saving Javert’s life. Conscience clearly had the most notable effects on Javert, even though he had promised to be guided by the law alone.
After a careful analysis of Great Expectations, J Robert Oppenheimer, and Les Miserables, one can conclude that conscience is, indeed, the most powerful motivator. People should remember this when, like Pip, they are seeking fame and fortune.
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<p>Anyone???</p>

<p>It is a solid essay. Your thesis was clear and succinct and your examples linked and supported your thesis well. </p>

<p>This is a difficult essay to score because there can be a lot of subjectivity, from what I can perceive, for your essay.</p>

<p>Your essay has met all the criterion for getting a good score on the test so if your scorer was more of a guideline by guideline scorer, you would be getting a score of 10 or higher. </p>

<p>However, your essay lacks smoothness and flowing transitions. It also lacks difficult vocabulary which makes your essay a bit banal. You want to impress your scorer as much as you can and imputing difficult vocabulary (about two to five is sufficient) is the easiest way to boost your score. </p>

<p>Your conclusion also lacks depth. It kinda ends abruptly and without any real message for the scorer to grasp as he or she finishes reading your essay. Read sample essays posted on the CC and see how many of the essays that have been critiqued as very well written essays, or essays that should get 11s and 12s, have something in their conclusions that make the endings more impacting. Perhaps it is just your last sentence but I strongly suggest you look at other essays here on this website.</p>

<p>This is a difficult essay to critique and I feel it can go both ways depending on the reader. Hopefully this was helpful :$</p>