<p>I’m 100% with laxmom, calmom & mathmom. </p>
<p>You would be surprised how much public transportation is around. And far less expensive than today’s gas prices, insurance, and car payments.</p>
<p>This is not the time to kowtow.</p>
<p>Depending on where you live, a half-hour commute by car, can be a half-hour commute by bicycle.</p>
<p>I don’t tell other people how to best be a parent to their children because every parent, every child, every parent/child relationship, and every situation is different. Every family is a Gordian knot of rights, duties, expectations, responsibilities, love, guilt, affection, grudges – you name it. Sure you can cut through that knot with a simple stroke - but then you have a cut knot. And that’s not always good. This is your daughter, and your lives, and your relationship which you have developed over almost two decades. Do what feels right and just to you - the odds are that the feeling in your gut will be a better solution than any one-size-fits-all advice you’ll get here or elsewhere. There are lots of times a simple rule like “my way or the highway” is just the thing. But there are also parents out there who will tell you that the worst decision they ever made in their entire life was to take a dogmatic stance like that, only to damage their relationship with their children for years, if not for life. Maybe that’s the right thing for you now, maybe not. But the feeling in your heart is a better guide than anything some cocksure stranger on the internet will tell you.</p>
<p>To the OP, I agree with Kluge. You know your D and your family situation and probably, if you explore a bit (talk to your kid), you’ll discover what the issue is. It always amazes me that people are so anxious to jump in and give the ‘my-way-or-the-highway’ or, its variant, the ‘my-house-my-rules’ speech when a basically good kid gets side-tracked and gets into some trouble. Would anyone seriously make the decision to kick a kid out of their home for something like this? And just because someone on an internet forum thinks that’s the answer? Yikes. The pendulum on CC swings to such opposite extremes! There’s the dubious advice given here in this thread, and juxtaposed to that is the thread where it seems that no one in the country would ever dream of leaving their kid alone home overnight!</p>
<p>Me three, in agreement with Kluge and Alwaysamom.</p>
<p>I think some people have kneejerk punitive parental reactions to this type of behavior. Now, some people believe in parenting punitively, and some even claim to have well behaved, loving children as a result. I know just as many kids who rebel and can’t wait to leave home as a result of the “my way of the highway” authoritarian parenting style.</p>
<p>I would hope that the OP would go beyond the glib “advice” offered in this forum,a nd think of the long term with this child. No one knows her, or the situation, from the inside but this mother.</p>
<p>Me Four, in agreement with Allmusic, Kluge, ans Alwaysamom.</p>
<p>It is amazing how we know the answer when it is someone else’s kid. You may want to ask your daughter for her thoughts on the situation. </p>
<p>I’ve had my share of situations with DS where kicking him out would have been an apprpriate response. However doing that would not have accomplished anything.</p>
<p>I agree that the “my way or the highway” tact could backfire.
If she chooses the highway, and moves out before she’s mature enough to make good decisions, she could be headed for a lot of trouble.
I’m sorry I don’t have better suggestions. The alchol on the breath (after driving?) is scary.</p>
<p>Make her pay her insurance since is she working, so she can see how her actions (speeding and not being aware while driving) effect her parents. Wow, after 3 speeding tickets and 3 fender bender I wouldn’t have to worry about my mom being mad but my insurance kicking me to the curb. Which they have already threaten to do because one fender bender THREE years ago and my tire exploding.</p>
<p>I don’t know if this is agreement but here is my thought… She is only doing what you allow. </p>
<p>You’ve made parenting threats without the follow through. She does not take you seriously. </p>
<p>Three tickets and 3 accidents and you’re still sharing responsibility “with” her is just wrong. One ticket, yes as a learning teaching experience, two could even be explained that way… six? nope. She has no care for road rules because you’ve exempted her from personal responsibility. This is going to bite her in the butt later as she appears not to have learned from 5 prior experiences so far.</p>
<p>It’s very hard to draw in the reigns at 18 after they’ve been off them for a while. Good luck and remember a doormat is for wiping your feet, not a parenting skill. </p>
<p>You will probably being charged alot more than $123 a month more very soon. Chances are you will be dropped from your current carrier and have to look in the high risk pool.</p>
<p>I don’t understand why you paid for the tickets at all. They’re HER tickets. Ideally, it should be her insurance, too, but every family has their own arrangement for these things.</p>
<p>I think you should meet with her to talk about ending the free ride she has been getting. Not “my way or the highway”, or kicking her out, but a reality check. She is old enough to take some responsibility here.</p>
<p>And the alcohol bit could be a warning sign.</p>
<p>My brother (rebound) and sister (never left) lived at “home” into their 30s. The parents set the rules (though apparently they were pretty soft when it came to saying, “Get the heck out!”) and while “grounding” wasn’t an option, they understood the levers and pulleys and where the pressure points were. When my brother brought home a woman and was going to spend the night with her, my dad said, “Not under my roof you’re not. We’ve got an extra room for her but she’s not staying with you.” That was the night he moved out for good. At 38 years old. I’ve got some great stories that will make most anyone realize that their family isn’t as dysfunctional as they first thought. (For my part, I was gone when I went off to college except for summers and a year of law school when I transferred to help my dad run his business after an illness.)</p>
<p>I hate to say this, but it seems simple and is reflected in a lot of the comments here:</p>
<p>Don’t get between her actions and their consequences. If she causes fender benders, she should pay for them. If you’re worried that she won’t continue school if you come down on her too much, you are setting everything up for disaster. </p>
<p>In her shoes, you wouldn’t want to have to answer to you and the more you ask this of her, the more it’s going to drive her (most likely) into doing self-destructive things. </p>
<p>Tell her she’s gotta pay rent and for her car usage. Tell her you understand that she’s an adult and may need her freedom, so you’d understand that she might need to move out and that you’ll provide help to her so long as she’s in school.</p>
<p>It’s time for her to spread those wings.</p>
<p>Good luck.</p>
<p>Not doing chores is probably typical rebellious behavior for an 18-yo who is feeling conflicted about moving off to college. It’s like the terrible twos - they try to assert themselves at this stage. And, they try to push themselves away from you so it is easier to move out. Understandable when you consider the psychology.</p>
<p>Even the fender benders, I could understand. Hey, new driver, makes some mistakes…understandable. Having her pay 1/2 of the repairs - that sounds reasonable to me too, at least for the first time. I definitely think the kid should pay for the tickets and the difference in the insurance, though, for sure!</p>
<p>HOWEVER, the driving after drinking, that is another matter entirely! That is some serious stuff! People could get KILLED and have gotten KILLED because of drinking and driving!</p>
<p>This calls for some drastic action, imo. This is not something I would tolerate AT ALL, and I am considered a pretty lenient mom on most things. Not on that. </p>
<p>I have a friend who actually called the cops and reported her daughter after her daughter stormed out with the mom’s car. She told the cops where the daughter was going (in this case she knew) and they caught up with her. I think they just gave her a warning, but it frightened her enough to teach her a lesson.</p>
<p>That’s just one idea. I think I’d give her a warning, though, before playing that card. And correct me if I’m wrong but wouldn’t a teen caught DUI be required to spend some time in rehab? Might be what she needs.</p>
<p>To me, this is a far more serious issue than mere finances. Eh, who cares who pays the bills. That’s nothing compared to this. Drinking & driving is a serious offense, and should be treated as such. Zero tolerance.</p>
<p>The speeding tickets scare me as much as the alcohol. On the east coast, just a couple weeks ago, several college car accident fatalities, most probably due to excessive speed. Good luck with finding the right avenue to address this.</p>
<p>I agree with everyone. If its your house then she has to follow your rules. Once she is completely on her own, she can do whatever she wants.</p>
<p>I also agree with many of the posts including the point made that even though the D is 18, the OP is still the parent as well as the owner of the home, and as such, the OP is entitled to set certain house rules in their home no matter the age of the children (even adult children). However, these rules should be fair and age-appropriate and not just based on a desire to “control” the children. Some of the rules can be non-negotiable while others are negotiable, and these rules will obviously vary for each family (for me, the non-negotiable rules are rules that are primarily designed to protect or keep our kids safe). And as with younger children, the parents’ expectations concerning these rules and what is acceptable behavior in their home need to be made clear to an older child, and consequences should be natural and logical (as opposed to punishment). </p>
<p>The whole point of discipline is to teach your child responsibility, respect for others and others’ property, and, most importantly, self-disciple so that the child can learn to make more responsible choices concerning their own behavior in the future; at the same time, the parent wants to maintain a loving and caring relationship with the child. In this case, grounding may be considered a punishment, whereas taking away driving privileges, or making the 18 year old financially responsible for tickets, etc., would be more appropriate consequences for actions relating to speeding, drinking, or driving while drinking. In addition, I think it’s important that parents also make sure that they provide ways for the child/young person to earn back privileges or make things right.</p>
<p>However, once our teens turn 18 they do have many more legal rights than they did before, including leaving home if they choose not to follow the house rules. I would certainly never threaten to kick them out if they did not follow my rules (that would not be a logical consequence in most circumstances) but that is an option they can certainly be reminded of if they are not willing to follow the non-negotiable rules in particular.</p>
<p>lalamomma come on back and tell us what the current situation is. I know I’m curious, and I’m sure others are as well.</p>
<p>I don’t think it is authoritarian or unreasonable to make her pay for her own tickets, car insurance, and repairs. She has 2 jobs, and she has enough money to buy alcohol.</p>
<p>Some insurance companies won’t let you “dump” a family member from your policy. If they live in your home, they have to be on your policy unless they have their own. That’s how ours works, anyway.</p>
<p>If this were my kid, I think I’d buy her a car…a junker. Then I’d have her set up her own insurance policy and get her off mine. As other posters said, I think OP is likely in danger of her insurance company dropping their family. Yes, the D’s insurance rates would be exorbitant. Oh, well. Hope you had fun speeding.</p>
<p>I am kind of torn about driving the D to work 30 miles away. I have been in this same situation when we took the car away from D once. What we did was allow her to drive the car to and from work only. You can check the odometer for mileage.</p>
<p>The drinking and driving thing is hard. According to my S (a rising college junior who doesn’t drink at all), “everybody” drinks and drives. He frequently takes his buddies places so he can be the designated driver because he worries about them. Drinking and driving is horrible, it’s deadly, and most of them are going to do it no matter what we say or do. I guess we could give them cab fare or offer to take them and pick them up (and that probably wouldn’t fly either), but aside from that there is nothing we can do.</p>