<p>Oldest daughter is 18, and just finished her freshman year (A’s/B’s). Always been a good kid. She lives at home. But “lately”, here’s the infraction list:
3 speeding tickets in 2 years; two fender benders which totalled $3000 to repair and made our insurance go up by $123/month. We made her pay us for 1/2 of the tickets. Now, two days after the third fender bender, she came home with alcohol on her breath. After much discussion after each incident, it is obvious that we have not gotten through to her. Now we took away driving priveledges (which is really a punushment for us, because we have to cart her everywhere.) She works two jobs, and one restaurant is 30 miles away. Today, she wanted to go out with friends, and I said maybe. But then my husband came home from work (I am still there) to find nothing done in the house. No dishes washed, nothing straightened. So I said – no going out tonight. She stormed out of the house. I am simply out of ideas. I cannot seem to get through to her. Parents, please help!!!</p>
<p>If you are allowing her to live in your house and/or paying any of her college expenses, then you can set conditions for continuing to do those things.</p>
<p>It’s up to her whether to meet those conditions or to move elsewhere/pay for her own education.</p>
<p>Legally you don’t have any power over your child, traditionally speaking, you can always cut her off from resources and not cart her around everywhere. I’m only 16 but that’s my input.</p>
<p>Is there a particular reason she is not going away to school?</p>
<p>Did she purchase the car?</p>
<p>She should pay for the insurance if she is working.</p>
<p>Did she storm out with the car? It may be tough, but you don’t have to financially support her bad behavior.</p>
<p>Time for tough love. You cannot support her financially with her attitude. And given the tickets, accidents and alcohol on her breath, she could have a problem with alcohol. Not much you can to about lack of chores. But you sure can charge her rent for staying and for having to pick up after her. She can work off the rent by actually doing the chores. You can hand her the bills for insurance, car payment if any, gas,vehicle maintenance and repairs, repair of damage/deducbible, etc. I think she need to know exactly what it is that you are providing her, financially speaking. She may work two jobs, and think that is all she needs to be doing, but if that doesn’t cover all over her expenses, you will need to show her exactly what it is you are providing. If that includes tuition, room/board (at your house) during the school year, make it clear what you are giving her, and what your expectations of her are in return. She is 18 and some things will be out of your control. But by 18, you also don’t “owe” her a place to sleep, eat, a car, college tuition, etc.</p>
<p>Is the title of the car your daughter drives in her name or yours? Is the car loan in her name or yours? Who pays it?</p>
<p>Is the insurance in her name only or is she under your umbrella policy and who pays for the insurance?</p>
<p>Who pays for her gas?</p>
<p>Does she pay rent/utilities/food while she is at home?</p>
<p>Who pays for her tuition, room, board, books, expenses, clothes and travel while she is away at school? If she contributes, how much?</p>
<p>Does she have a cell phone? Who pays the bill each month?</p>
<p>Does she have health and dental insurance and who pays the premiums, co-pays, deductible, and co-insurance?</p>
<p>I am going somewhere with this. You don’t need to ground her. If she is going to be committing adult infractions then there should be adult consequences.</p>
<p>If most of your answers to the above questions were YOU pay the majority, then don’t. Not a punishment, just a natural result of making poor choices.</p>
<p>As a single mom of five, (and yes they were all teenagers at the SAME time), it is not easy to say no, but it is easier to live with the natural consequences now with the “lesser” infractions then to have to live with worse ones later on.</p>
<p>And they don’t have to happen all at once, but enough so it will make enough of an impact for adult REALIZATION to kick in.</p>
<p>Make sure you are very clear as to your expectations up front. If you expect things done, then let her know. If she needs to find a new job closer to home so she can ride a bike, walk or take the bus then let her know. If she is expected to pick up a bigger share of the financial pie then tell her NOW.</p>
<p>Good luck.</p>
<p>Kat</p>
<p>Overall, she doesn’t seem to be doing too badly. She drank alcohol–that’s illegal and against your house rules but nothing unusual among college students. She doesn’t drive responsibly–that’s not uncommon, either. Get her to be financially responsible for her driving, and that should improve. My parents would never even consider paying if I even got a parking ticket, let alone a moving violation. Make her take a driving class in order to use the family car, if you want. Have your daughter pay for the tickets. Have her pay for gas and insurance on the car. If it’s a family car, she should contribute money for gas and insurance. If she is damaging a family car and doesn’t have financial responsibility on that car, don’t let her drive it. Just because you won’t let her drive your car doesn’t mean that you need to drive her around. Make her walk, ride a bike, carpool, and take public transportation for a while. If she came home with alcohol on her breath after driving home, then absolutely don’t let her drive a family car. </p>
<p>Does she want to live at home? Most college students wouldn’t want to live at home because of the lack of independence. Talk with her about her moving out, if that’s an option for you.</p>
<p>I don’t know if you can ground an 18 year old. But I don’t think that’s the right question.</p>
<p>She had 3 speeding tickets in 2 years; you made her pay <em>you</em> for 1/2 the tickets. She did $3000 damage to the car; you don’t mention who paid for that. Your insurance went up $123/month; you don’t mention who is paying for that. </p>
<p>She is working two jobs. What is the money used for? </p>
<p>At a minimum, as a parent, I would pay ZERO of the tickets. She would write the check herself to the Violations Bureau (or whatever authority need be paid). Depending on what her earnings are used for, I would have her paying portions or all of the car repair and insurance upcharge.</p>
<p>Beyond that, I think it is hard to give advice without knowing more of the picture.</p>
<p>In general, I think you cannot “get” her to do anything. What you can do is get yourselves to do certain things. (1) Let her, not you, suffer the costs and consequences of her poor choices. (2) Establish what your expectations are for her contributions (monetarily, if any) and chores/responsibilities for living in your home. If she does not live up to those expectations, think about arrangements for her living elsewhere, perhaps with an allowance (or subsidy of security deposit plus last month’s rent) from you.</p>
<p>To answer your question - if she wants the priviledges you’re providing (financial support), you can require that she conform to your house rules. If she doesn’t want to do that then she can always go it on her own but she would be wise to do the math first. </p>
<p>I told my kids before they obtained their license that ‘they’ are responsible for any tickets. There’s no way I’d pay for any part of a traffic ticket or any resultant insurance increases. If I felt they were being irresponsible in driving (as your D has been), I’d no longer enable them to do so by providing a car, insurance, gas, etc. Further, if they were getting this many tickets and accidents, they’re clearly not ready for the driving priviledge and are endangering themselves and others by continuing to drive. I’m surprised she hasn’t already had her license revoked by the state but if it were my D, I’d have already done so.</p>
<p>If her ‘coming home with alcohol on her breath’ was after driving herself home, that alone would be grounds for instant loss of driving priviledge.</p>
<p>She definitely needs to be made responsible for paying for all tickets, car damage, insurance surcharges. There’s no way around that. I am assuming that this is your vehicle, so taking away the car would be a step towards showing her your expectations for responsible driving. If she cannot get to her restaurant job, so be it. That’s not the end of the world, she can get a job closer to home.</p>
<p>I cannot imagine grounding an 18-year-old. She can just open the door and go out right? Are you prepared for what happens next? Will you not let her back in? Issuing ultimatums has consequences for you too. I would not want my 18-year-old moving into a friend’s basement, or worse. </p>
<p>I myself would rather lay down a set of rules and expectations for chores, contributions, etc. in the course of a very pleasant but firm conversation. Obviously she does well in school, and you say she has been a good kid in general. It sounds like you have a decent relationship, and she is actually asking permission to go out, right? All I would say is sure, after you clean the kitchen, walk the dog, etc. Keep the communication open, and pleasant, but have consequences that she will feel the pain of.</p>
<p>Damn, I’m 16 and I don’t even do that to my parents. It’ll be the day before I get into fenderbenders…speeding tickets is a different story though :)</p>
<p>I too just finished my first year in college, and did as well academically as your daughter. I’m not sure how to explain this sudden downward turn of behavior, but it could be as simple as her feeling trapped because she’s still living at home. If she’s commuting to a 4 year school where most kids are living on/near campus, away from their parents, she may feel jealous of the freedom they have that she doesn’t. The drinking, while a bad approach to fixing this problem, maybe her way of feeling more like an adult even though she’s still at home. </p>
<p>If I was doing what she’s doing, my mom wouldn’t hesitate for a second to take the car keys, take me off the insurance, and who knows what else. If she were my mom’s daughter, asking to go out with friends would have been, um, brave. I know my mom would say no to fun of all kinds if I was pulling stuff like this. I have never tested my limits like this, and I like my freedom to pretty much come and go as I please, so I’m not exactly sure what my mom would do, but I assure you that it wouldn’t be good. </p>
<p>To answer the question, no, you can’t lock her in her room until her behavior turns around. But suspending driving privledges indefinately will send the message that what she’s doing is not okay. I’d try talking to her, find out what’s bothering her enough to make her act this way. You might also consider telling her that if she wants to drink when you don’t know about it, she shouldn’t bother coming home under the influence, and that you won’t bale her out of any trouble she gets into when either drinking or driving recklessly(hopefully not at the same time…if she ever gets her driving privledges back that is). Since she is 18, there’s only so much punishing you can do before you have to just let her fall and see what a mess she’s made. You sound like a good mom who doesn’t deserve any of this, so I truly hope she turns things around with some temporary pedestrianism and extra TLC from you :)</p>
<p>If it were my D I would ask her to pay for the car insurance on her own and also for the tickets. I already had to switch insurance to get cheaper rate for her to drive. I don’t want that liability on my family asset if she is 18 and older, she probably has to get her own insurance in her own name. My D is only 16 and she actually a better driver than I am and I have not had any accident for 30+ years (only because I’m so slow).</p>
<p>Another thought – if she is on your car insurance, any accident she gets into may result in personal liability on your part. Do you have umbrella coverage? Her behavior could have catastrophic financial consequences for YOU.</p>
<p>I thinks she should find out how much it costs to get auto insurance on her won – while her accidents raised your premiums, it’s probably less of an increase than it would be on her own account. I would be surprised if she can even GET coverage given her history when it’s just her driving record that’s being underwritten.</p>
<p>You can’t stop her from going out, but if it’s your car, you can darned well withhold driving privileges. Time for tough love. She’s responsible for more than just good grades now. She’s responsible for her life.</p>
<p>It has always been my stance that if you’re under my roof, then my rules stand. Period. </p>
<p>It sounds as if your D isn’t interested in following your rules, and tough though it may be, I’d ask her to find another place to live. Give her a deadline, and calmly explain why. She’s 18 (almost 19 maybe?) & she’s not following rules. </p>
<p>I would immediately take her off the car insurance, and show her the proof of having done that so she doesn’t think you’re bluffing. </p>
<p>I would let her know that you’ll stop all help on expenses (cell phone, etc.) and I would follow through. </p>
<p>Whatever you decide, follow through. Just like when she was 4, she’ll try to play you, if you don’t.</p>
<p>I don’t envy you.</p>
<p>Your house, your rules. It is that simple. If she wishes to emancipate herself, so be it.</p>
<p>I must be an ogre - if this were my daughter, the driving privileges would stop, and she would pay for her insurance. I would not be her taxi. She would find her own way to/from work etc. I would have the “final” discussion about my house/my rules and what my expectations are until she understood crystal clear.</p>
<p>Don’t wait until she gets into something even you can’t get her out of. It could be your loss of everything you worked hard to gain.</p>
<p>Like I used to tell my kids…sometimes being a parent sucks but I am your Mom not your friend and you won’t understand all of this until the day you are a parent.</p>
<p>I hope that you do continue to make sure she has a way to work, either from you or a coworker you really trust. I completely understand that laxmom wouldn’t want any child to be given any kind of “free rides” that give a false impression of supporting bad behavior, but D should at least be able to get to work. You said one job is 1/2 hour from home, which probably means it would be difficult to find an alternative way to work that isn’t you; public transportation may or may not work out with her hours. It’s absolutely true that the OP’s D has messed things up big time, but having her possibly lose her jobs because she doesn’t have a way to work will NOT help AT ALL. In fact, it would probably worsen this situation. No job or school right now leaves her nothing to do besides get in trouble.</p>
<p>frostburg, my daughter is age 19 and has a job that is too far to get to from where we live - and I don’t want to put her on my car insurance, pay for gas for her to go to work, or have to drive her every day. She lives in an apartment in town closer to her job and takes the bus. I see her on weekends. She pays the rent, not me - but I’m pretty sure that her rent for the shared apartment for the summer is less than the combined cost of insurance plus gas to commute from home, give that gas here is at least $3.50/gallon. </p>
<p>This is her choice and I think it is a good one, given the logistics – but I just wanted to point out that a parent does NOT have to provide housing + transportation to work for an adult child. Quite frankly, I don’t see the point of the kid having a job unless the kid is paying all costs associated with the job, including whatever the car costs… if the job doesn’t pay enough to cover those costs, the the job isn’t worth having.</p>
<p>I commuted to the LA airport from Pasadena one summer without a car. I had to get on a bus at 6 am. There’s more public transportation than most people think.</p>