Can you guys review it and give me comments?

[Laldya]

This was for the common app.
This is my first time writing an transfer application essay and since it was for the common app, it has no specific theme or subject and a limitation of words to 250 to 650.

Please have a look and comment.

Thank you

​I believe there are three lucks that one can have in their life. Those lucks are hidden, waiting for the right moment to be used and when the moment comes, we get to choose to use them, or to keep them. But there is something funny about these lucks. Even though we get to use them in the right moment, we don’t get to decide that moment. In fact its the lucks who decides the moment, and for some people like me, the right moment comes right after the first time we breath in the air of the earth, the time we are delivered. At the time when i was born, I weighted 1.14 kg, small, weak, and in a dangerous situation. And in those days it was normal for a baby in that kind of situation to not survive. But I was really lucky, despite the fact that I was under weighted and weak, I turned out pretty healthy in few months and got better. It was the moment I used up my 1st luck, and the most proud decisions that I made in my life. To survive and live on.   20 years have past from that day and It won’t be true if I say that I never had times that I wanted to use my second luck. I always wanted to use the next luck when I had to face hardship and loneliness while I was alone studying abroad, and anytime that I felt frightened and weak. But my 2nd lucks still remains next to me, waiting for the right time.  And the time is now, to use my second luck for my transfer. I have waited for this time for so long. The time that I can finally use this chance to prove and demonstrate to the world that I have the right to be born, and the choice that I have made to live was correct.  The reason that I chose to use my 2nd luck at this moment is because I believe that better and more education will lead me to the first step of my final goal. Happiness.  I believe that purpose of education is not only to teach us to memorize and understand them. Its to experience and breath in every pieces of moment in our lives and to make it a profit, a utility, and happiness.  As a student who grew up in a culture with a strict daily  schedule, education it self was a boring material that I had to fit in to my brain every day. But now my thoughts have changed. After I attended school here,in the United states, the way I think of education changed. I never knew that the basic purpose of economy was to bring happiness to people until I took an economy class in college. It was a totally new way of thinking. A mine blower. And I want to keep thinking it that way. I want to be amazed how education can change me and others to view the world. I want to continue this education. And I want to continue it here.  My academic goal is to earn a professional Accounting degree, a CPA, and be a professional accountant. But it does not stop there. My main goal is to earn a professional degree in the Business Administration major and latter work as a administration coordinator for a company or an institution. I believe that my experience in studying and living in other countries will be very helpful in my future education and career. I will take my second luck and will use it to my greatest honor.  It has been a though road and there is a steeper way ahead, but its all about my self and how much I try to achieve it. With my second luck with me, I am ready to roll!

[bomerr]

I believe there are three lucks that one can have in their life. Those lucks are hidden, waiting for the right moment to be used and when the moment comes, we get to choose to use them, or to keep them. But there is something funny about these lucks. Even though we get to use them in the right moment, we don’t get to decide that moment. In fact its the lucks who decides the moment,

I think this is like grade B movie writing.
It does not relate to you at all.

At the time when i was born, I weighted 1.14 kg, small, weak, and in a dangerous situation. And in those days it was normal for a baby in that kind of situation to not survive. But I was really lucky, despite the fact that I was under weighted and weak, I turned out pretty healthy in few months and got better. It was the moment I used up my 1st luck, and the most proud decisions that I made in my life. To survive and live on.

Really digging up 20 yr old facts? And you don’t even have a really tragic birth defect or condition.

20 years have past from that day and It won’t be true if I say that I never had times that I wanted to use my second luck. I always wanted to use the next luck when I had to face hardship and loneliness while I was alone studying abroad, and anytime that I felt frightened and weak. But my 2nd lucks still remains next to me, waiting for the right time. And the time is now, to use my second luck for my transfer. I have waited for this time for so long

A paragraphs worth of text just to say you were lonely… okay X_x

The time that I can finally use this chance to prove and demonstrate to the world that I have the right to be born, and the choice that I have made to live was correct.

Sounds really low self-esteam.

The reason that I chose to use my 2nd luck at this moment is because I believe that better and more education will lead me to the first step of my final goal. Happiness. I believe that purpose of education is not only to teach us to memorize and understand them. Its to experience and breath in every pieces of moment in our lives and to make it a profit, a utility, and happiness. As a student who grew up in a culture with a strict daily schedule, education it self was a boring material that I had to fit in to my brain every day. But now my thoughts have changed. After I attended school here,in the United states, the way I think of education changed.

boring stuff

I never knew that the basic purpose of economy was to bring happiness to people until I took an economy class in college. It was a totally new way of thinking. A mine blower. And I want to keep thinking it that way.

This is the first good point in the entire essay.

My academic goal is to earn a professional Accounting degree, a CPA, and be a professional accountant. But it does not stop there.

My main goal is to earn a professional degree in the Business Administration major and latter work as a administration coordinator for a company or an institution.

I was digging the first half but when I got to the 2nd half I was like ■■■. Pick one. Either be a CPA or do administrative work. Having both seems contradictory and indecisive.

. I believe that my experience in studying and living in other countries will be very helpful in my future education and career.

How so?

I will take my second luck and will use it to my greatest honor. It has been a though road and there is a steeper way ahead, but its all about my self and how much I try to achieve it. With my second luck with me, I am ready to roll!

More useless junk

Overall your essay is weak, disorganized and very poorly written.

This is the UC transfer prompt. Answer it instead. It gives better guidance on subject:

What is your intended major? Discuss how your interest in the subject developed and describe any experience you have had in the field — such as volunteer work, internships and employment, participation in student organizations and activities — and what you have gained from your involvement.

As for themes, the point of a personal statement isn’t so much about being personal but about being likable.

A personal statement is PART OF the APPLICATION and thus it is about showing colleges the traits they are looking for in students. Colleges want students who will improve their campus so writing about improving the community or society is a good idea. Likewise they want students with a passion for learning, students who want more than just to get As, so intellectual growth is another get theme. Or good human traits such as morals/character is always appreciated.

[Laldya]

thank you for giving me straight forward comments! it really helped me lot!

[Pizzagirl]

In American English, we don’t use the word luck the way you are using it. We use it to describe the broader concept of luck. We don’t say “lucks.” You may want to have a native English speaker review what you come up with.

The fact that you were a premature baby and very ill and now healthy doesn’t provide the college with anything about you that should make them accept you.

Best wishes to you.