Can you please grade my SAT essay?

<p>TOPIC: Do success and happiness depend on the choices people make rather than the factors beyond their control?</p>

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<p>‘’ When life gives you lemons, make a lemonade.’’ Meaning that if fate interferes with its many hands and ruined our sugar-coated choices, we can always choose to shape these new acidic ones into ones that will make us happier and more successful. It is true that at many times life just has its way and we veer off our happiness route; however, I firmly believe that we can always choose to be happy no matter what the circumstances are. </p>

<p>For example, by an unfortunate accident Jane Roberts, an Olympic runner, was handicapped. Not only was she a successful runner and a happy person in her life, but she was also a role model for many children who wanted to be like her one day. However, unfortunately, the accident didn’t just cause her the legs that always made her win, but also shattered her self-esteem and her dreams’ bucket. Expecting her to fall back in a black hole of misery and unsuccessful dreams, her friends and family were surprised when she asked to install permanent walking canes so she can still participate in this year’s Olympics. Eventually not only did she win the gold medal, but she also formed an organization that helped disabled people to follow their dreams, resulting in her paramount success. And so, as it is obvious, though the many hardships that she faced, she chose to stay strong and optimistic and happy through them all. </p>

<p>In another account, though many cancer-diagnosed patients get back to being cancer-free, Marry King’s life span was about to call it quits. After being diagnosed and knowing that she had very little time above the ground, she began to lose her hair, her weigh and her radiant beauty; however, she never lost her playful spirit. Many did, indeed, expect her to start being a shadow shell of her former being; however, she had never lost her playful and joyous way of looking at life. And so, realizing that her internal clock was ticking by, Marry visited places that made her happy and friends who made her belly laugh and read comedic novels and watched hilarious movies. The thing is that she realized that even though life has given her a red card, she could still enjoy her time being, and that even though life has put her in a non-envious position, she could still choose to be happy. </p>

<p>It is true that at many times life could put you between a rock and a hard place; however, I firmly believe that we have all the power in this world in choosing to be happy. And so, when life gives you lemonade make an orange juice and keep them wondering how you did.</p>

<p>The essay has many problems. Most of them are small enough that in isolation they would not significantly impact your score, but the cumulative effect is that your essay is difficult to read and understand.</p>

<p>Some notable problems:

  • Excessive reliance on cliched idiomatic expressions (“When life gives you lemons…”, “Rock and a hard place”)
  • Poor verb tense agreement (“if fate interferes with its many hands and ruined”, “she asked to install permanent walking canes so she can still participate”)
  • Redundancy (“a role model for many children who wanted to be like her”, “shadow shell”)
  • Superfluous phrases (“The thing is that she realized” vs “She realized”, " as it is obvious")
  • Homophone errors (cause/cost, weigh/weight)
  • Misused words (non-envious)
  • Confusing, nonidiomatic phrases (dreams’ bucket, happiness route)
  • Changed the central metaphor without clearly relating the change to the argument (lemonade -> orange juice, why?)</p>

<p>You could have had a significantly stronger essay by reducing your reliance on metaphor and focusing on clarity of thought and expression. </p>

<p>This essay gives the impression of having been written without prior planning. I recommend devoting 5 minutes to creating a structured outline of your argument before you begin to write.</p>

<p>And please, begin the essay with your own words. State your position clearly and confidently. Your true thesis is “I firmly believe that we can always choose to be happy no matter what the circumstances are.” Don’t hide it.</p>