Can you please score my SAT essay?

Test Preparation
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Im taking the sat for the 2nd time in 2 weeks and the essay is freaking me out
Sorry for the triteness of my examples - it’s so hard to come up with unique ones in such limited time! haha. Also, i kept the spelling and grammar mistakes that were in my original (there were quite a few :P) Also, it fills exactly 2 SAT essay pages

topic: is a perfect society possible or even desirable?

essay:

It is not either possible or desirable to create a perfect society. In order to create a perfect society, one must inevitably restrict the citizen’s individuality and freedom. As depicted in both Farenheit 451 and The Giver, when the creation of a perfect society is attempted, the rights and identity o the society’s members are ultimatly hindered.

In the novel Farenhet 451, in order to create a perfect society free of any discrimination or criticism, books are banned. The law is derived from the complaint that books provide an outlet for people to critisize others and create offensive material about specific groups. However, by attempting to end this offensive criticism, the society ends up also eliminating much of the identity of the society’s members. Mildred, the protagonist’s wife, illustrates the hindering affects of this society. Through the opression of the society, Mildred has become entirely obsessed with frivolous and trite television shows, and constantly listens to music through earphones. Because there is no way for anyone to educate themselves or express their opinions, a majority of the society displays similar characteristics to Mildred. By creating a perfect society, only additional problems, regarding freedom and identity, occured.

Similarly, in the novel The Giver, the society attempts to create a perfect society, this time by eliminating memories in order to eliminate the pain of the adverse past. Only two people in the society, labeled the giver and the reciever, contain these memories of the past world. However, when Jonah, the protagonist, becomes the reciever, he begins to understand the importance of having these memories. He realizes that in order to truly appreciate the rich pleasures of life, one must first suffer through painful experiences. It is these painful memories that elicit the full richness in life. By making a perfect society, by eliminating these adverse memories, the society only created a bland existance for it’s members, devoid of any true joy.

As expressed through the novels Farenheit 451 and The Giver, it is not possible to create a perfect society as the elimination of one ill only leads to the creation of a myriad of others. By restricting certain aspects of a society, freedom, individuality, and true joy are also restricted.

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please guys??? i need help!!

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Anyone?? I’ll grade yours back - just ask

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Hi, I would give yours a low 5 (10 total) because I think that your examples need to be tied more clearly to the topic. Can you grade mine if I post in an hour?

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It’s not horrible. I’d say 7, actually. The spelling mistakes are horrendous, though.

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@notaRobot sure I’ll try to grade it if you post one! :slight_smile: (and by the way I actually got a 10 from college board on it so your grading was right on) and how would you suggest to try my ideas more clearly to my topics?

@bodangles‌ besides my awful spelling (i will now forever know how to spell Fahrenheit after spelling in wrong like 10 times on the SATs), how else would you say I should improve my essay? I really need to improve it - usually get -1 to -3 on the mc part of the writing so i need a solid (not a 7 that would be dreadful) essay score to keep my score in the mid to high 700’s.

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“Mildred has become entirely obsessed with frivolous and trite television shows, and constantly listens to music through earphones.”
I think you need to explain your point better here. What’s the problem with watching TV and listening to music? Does it make her unoriginal? Or is she addicted? And why is this caused by the lack of books?

“By creating a perfect society, only additional problems, regarding freedom and identity, occured.”
Ditto (and also grammatically awkward). You didn’t really explain what these problems are, so I’m not convinced. Listening to music all the time sounds great to me.

“the society attempts to create a perfect society”
Repetitive.

“By making a perfect society, by eliminating these adverse memories, the society only created a bland existance for it’s members, devoid of any true joy.”
This paragraph explains both why perfection is bad and what the society is missing that would make it whole. Much better!
(Also *its.)

“one ill only leads to the creation of a myriad of others.”
This doesn’t make a whole lot of sense.

Are you saying you got a 10/12 on this essay? With the wrong “it’s” and “critisize” and “ultimatly”???
I got an 8 or 9, I forget, both times. And didn’t spell anything wrong. LMAO.

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I’d also give a 7 or 8, for the same reasons @bodangles pointed out, but definitely not a 10. In fact, I’d go as far as to say, don’t trust the College Board’s automatic essay grading (it gave me an 11, while I probably only deserved an 8, and only got an 8 on the actual essay). Here are the spelling tidbits you should look out for:

of the society’s members (this is probably just a typo, so I’ll forget it)
ultimately hindered
criticize others (or criticise)
hindering *effects/i
oppression
occurred
receiver
existence for its members

Additionally, I would probably begin the first paragraph with “It is neither possible nor desirable to create…” as it is less awkward.

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The character in the Giver is Jonas, not ‘Jonah’

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Someone grade mine please: http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/sat-preparation/1749852-someone-please-grade-my-sat-practice-test-essay.html?new=1

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Good catch, PassionatePoet! I’m ashamed I didn’t see that.

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  1. Use an example of a historical figure instead of two books.
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@wiifixp‌ Was that a reply to me lol? If so, the score is an 8 right?

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@YoohooAddict‌ Yeah. Make sure you bring your examples back to the question some more! They love that!

Once you ace using two examples, use three. If the third example is kinda a backup incase one of the other two is bad.

I got a 12 & 11 on a practice essay graded my a group of SAT tutors and a 10 on the actual SAT with a question regarding if people should volunteer or not… (I used MLK, Ghandi, and Steve Jobs or Malcolm X as my three main talking points)

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K thanks for the tips.

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…Was that really in response to YoohooAddict? I thought you were talking to the OP.

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You seem to describe your examples more than you relate them back to your thesis. While the connection is there, it should be more explicitly stated throughout the example:)

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@bodangles @miter94 i mean that i got a 10 on the actual legit SAT for this and i wanted some constructive criticism (and some of the spelling errors for things like “it’s” and “its” are because I was typing it up really quickly.) also when I retyped this I was so mad at myself for no saying “neither” at the beginning because I realize how awkward it sounds right now…