<p>My oldest senior high-schooler has her heart set on a SLAC on the other coast, which means there will only be enough travel money to come home at X-mas (or possibly Spring only if budget airline flights available). She is somewhere in the middle of the independent-vs-homebody continuum. She has good HS friends, but now seems genuinely interested in the next-phase-of-her life and the challenges that await.
My question to those more experienced is whether you can predict whether your child might become so homesick she’ll be unhappy with her decision to go to school so far away. Not your garden-variety occassional homesickness, but the “I’m transferring-closer-to-home” genuine remorse. Anybody with a bad experience who can say “these were the warning signs”, or maybe somebody should just hold my hand and say say calm down, take a deep breathe & everything will turn out all right …</p>
<p>Kids with very strong circles of high school friends, particularly if the friends are mostly going to the same school as a group, seem to have more trouble than kids who were less social in high school.</p>
<p>J,
D1 is now a sophomore at a SLAC in PA…born and raised in Los Angeles…so accustomed to urban living. But, she was SO ready to move on also. We were concerned that she would be “bored” in suburbia…but that has not been the case. A number of her high school friends are situated within train distance…and they have been able to visit each other. On the other hand, she is very connected to her college friends. She comes home for Xmas but not for Thanksgiving…she received several invitations to spend Thanksgiving with classmates…and recently had a fabulous time in DC. I believe the intimate SLAC environment is conducive to forging friendships. Best of luck to you and D.</p>
<p>
I think there’s something to that. I went to big, impersonal university, and although I had plenty of hang-out-with friends there, I remained much closer to my high school crowd, and couldn’t wait to go home for holidays to see them. They are still my best friends, to this day. My daughter (now a junior), on the other hand, went to a rural SLAC, and her locus completely shifted. She hit the ground running and never looked back. She gets together once or twice a year with HS chums, but her real cohort is now at college, and that shift happened right from the get-go.</p>
<p>I went to a big friendly university and saw no need to keep in touich with HS friends other than one or two. My new crowd was much more interesting. After the first year I even stayed on during the summers as going home was a bore compared to staying in Madison which really is at its best in summer.</p>
<p>Another litmus is has the kid been away before? D is 3000 miles away. She actually had a very strong group of girlfriends - I mean 4 Musketeers style - here in CA. But she loves loves loves it on the East Coast. Maybe one or two nights of homesickness, but only around midterm week:). </p>
<p>Signs that would have predicted this? She spent 4 weeks away summer after freshman year and despite homesickness had no desire to come home. 6 weeks away summer after sophomore year, and despite injury etc. still never said she wanted to come home. In Ds case the thrill of the new has always been compelling and seems to take her past any longing for the old.</p>
<p>I had a strong group of friends in high school, but I decided to leave NH to move to CA for college. Would I change my decision? Absolutely not! I love my college. Have I been homesick? A little bit at the beginning, but I have friends and I go places, I fit in in my new environment. My best friend is coming to visit me over spring break, I’m not going home this summer. Yeah, your daughter will probably miss some elements of home, I absolutely miss my parents and my little sister, but if she’s willing to take the chance and move away she may be ready for it.</p>
<p>I’ve found that the most severe homesickness seems to occur in the same students who had severe separation difficulties in kindergarten.</p>
<p>I think you can count on it, especially from about mid-October through mid-December. Expect it to manifest in complaints about other things–the courses are too hard/not hard enough, the rules are too strict/too lax, whatever it is, it’s likely homesickness. Listen, smile and nod and affirm how much confidence you have in her (even if you have to do it over the phone). Do not rush in to save her. If it’s still an issue at the end of winter break, explain that for financial reasons she has to finish the year, but she can transfer if it’s that’s what she wants. (She had better get going on the apps, right?)</p>
<p>I’d be astounded if she follows through, and by spring break she’ll love it.</p>
<p>In my experience (my own & my son’s) that’s the typical pattern.</p>
<p>Well said Wyogal - I think most students suffer a little bout of homesickness the first semester. I know my D did and it manifested itself in “I want to transfer”, “I hate it here”, I have no friends". Of course for the Mom this is very stressful to hear but the best thing to do is let them know you care, you want to hear from them but they have to give it their best shot. I think 75% of my Ds group at school felt some sort of homesickness. We found that the worst thing we could do was let her come home. She seemed to get through it quicker when she stayed the course and worked at it. She is thrilled now and told me “I can’t picture myself anywhere else - I can’t imagine how I was thinking of transferring” and guess who’s left with the stress of it all 
Aren’t we always.</p>
<p>Well there you have it, Justaparent - “High risk” for homesick
- Always had difficulty with transitions
- Suffered bad bout of homesickness at camp
- Only kid in a tight group of high school friends going far away</p>
<p>Truth is they all feel a little homesick the first year, even if they aren’t so far away - it is a big change. Most get over it, rapidly. Many are only “homesick” when s/he is on the phone with you! A few really do need to transfer or move closer. </p>
<p>Listen to her, I think she will “tell” you if she isn’t ready.</p>
<p>1) Always had difficulty with transitions
2) Suffered bad bout of homesickness at camp
3) Only kid in a tight group of high school friends going far away
4) Introvert going to a big school. Introverts have a harder time all around.
5) Parents give mixed messages about child’s newfound independence/adulthood. Problems at home.</p>
<p>Of course, if it’s the right school, even kids who are normally homebodies will be okay.</p>
<p>I had all of cangel’s 1, 2, and 3 – I used to call home from summer camp mid-week in tears, begging my parents to come pick me up, and I was the only one of my friends going to school out of state – but I never got homesick, which I partly attribute to being at home at MIT and probably partly to being extraordinarily stubborn. :)</p>
<p>I think my S1 was pretty homesick the first semester of this year, but he is OVER IT now. He is very tight with the high school crowd, but now can move on. I think, in retrospect, that he was sort of emotionally hanging on to a high school GF, even though HE had suggested to her that they date other people in college. There was a real break up at Christmas, and I think he really feels free now in many senses, to pursue other friendships. And I am so relieved!</p>
<p>Adding to the list above: </p>
<ol>
<li>Students who don’t acknowledge that home sickness and social issues will be a challenge.</li>
</ol>
<p>I was so excited to be going to an Ivy and going to a competitive program that I had always wanted to get into, that ALL I thought about was the academics–how challenging it would be, whether I’d be able to be at the top of the class as in HS etc.</p>
<p>I gave NO thought to what a change it would be socially–to go from living at home and having the same friends from 4th grade onward to an environment where I knew no one and would have to make efforts to make friends. Thus, when I got to college I was shocked with the reality of what its like to know nobody, to have to make efforts to talk to new people, and the reality that if you don’t make those efforts you won’t have anyone to talk with, eat meals with etc. </p>
<p>Look out for this more in kids who are kind of quiet themselves but rely on outgoing frinds. I know I was terrible at approaching people and making friends but through every stage of my life, I would make 1 friend–a real outgoing friend–who would sort of take charge of my social life and introduce me to lots of other kids who ended up being great friends also. This is how it worked out in college as well.</p>
<p>I agree with cangel. S didn’t have a strong circle of friends and did quite well (and ended up living) on the Left Coast. D had a tight circle of friends and expressed some homesickness fall semester, but she discovered that winter break was hugely overrated and was excited to return to school out there. She still keeps in touch with her HS buds, but she’s now talking about working on campus this summer!</p>
<p>Kids who have separation anxiety would, IMHO, be most likely to suffer homesickness.</p>
<p>I agree with the growing list of “signs.” </p>
<p>DS, while not an introvert, is (was?) a bit of a “hang back and let the friendships develop slowly” kind of kid. The type who was never the one to initiate get-togethers in hs, but always ready to go on a moment’s notice when his friends did the initiating. I didn’t expect homesickness because he didn’t have the “signs.” But I did wonder if he might be slow to find a circle and if that might be hard on him.</p>
<p>I <em>insisted</em> that he go to an accepted students weekend (in his case a special Engineering Honors program so there would be high likelihood of kindred spirits). This was a very good thing. He attended virtually none of the structured agenda items. But he found “his people.” I think that helps a lot, makes the place that much more familiar when they arrive in Aug/Sept; gives a trial run of how she feels about being that far away. I actually attended the parent portion of the event (ie, I <em>did</em> attend the structured agenda) but never saw him at all. In your case, you might send her alone. If you do this before she sends in her decision card, it might give both of you some comfort about her choice.</p>
<p>Ive noticed that kids from a very tightknit extended family sometimes seem to have more difficulty at first, as family gatherings and events inevitably continue on without them.</p>
<p>One of my daughters friends had a heck of a first year at a college about 6 hours away. This was a very outgoing person, editor of the newspaper, lead in the musical, etc. but she had never been away from home. Her Mom was pretty worried about how homesick she was. Towards the end of the last semester she settled in and is now (her junior year) the main person running the college tv station, had one study abroad and is looking forward to another, in other words, Happy.</p>
<p>Thanks for all the feedback. D has only been away for summer week-long sports camps, went OK, but hardly the same as entire semester. I think everything will be OK …</p>