Can you score my essay?

<p>Prompt: Is it important to question the ideas and decisions of people in positions of authority?</p>

<p>"Theirs not to make reply, theirs not to reason why, theirs but to do and die." This quote form the poem, "Charge of the Light Brigade" shows how important it is to question the decisions of authority. Later on in the poem it tells us that almost all die as a result because no one asked why. While respect should be showed toward authority, people should not carry out a task blindly just because their superiors told them to. This reasoning has been showed through my personal experience.</p>

<p>Without question, I used to always listen to my elders (people in authority) even it they were only a year older than I was. I had been taught to accept what they told me and carry out any tasks they asked me. This ideology proved to be an extremely fatal mistake. It happened during recess in third grade when a fourth grader told me to steal a ball from a group of girls. Being the naive child I was, I blindly followed his orders and took the ball. By the time I got back with the ball, he was laughing hysterically and pointing at me. I was bewildered, what was so funny? I received my answer ten seconds later when a teacher marched me into the principal's office. </p>

<p>Another time that convinced me to question decisions happened a couple months later. My dad and I were at a gas station. While my dad was pumping gas, I decided to go inside the convenience store. As, I walked in, I saw a group of teenagers standing outside the door. There seemed to be a leader who was dictating the meeting. Although I couldn't hear everything he said, I could make out a few words that shocked me. As a result, I quickly ran back to the car and told my dad that the gang outside the door was going to rob the store. Immediately, he called the police and caught the two people who were ordered to rob the store. However, the leader of the gang got away. </p>

<p>From then on, I promised myself two things. One, I wouldn't ever join a gang and two, I would think through all the decisions made by my superior that could get me in trouble. From these two instances, I conclude that people need to respect the people in authority, but, they also need to use common sense and think through the decisions that could potentially get them in trouble. </p>

<p>A score and feedback would be great.</p>

<p>I'd give it a score of 10/12. Your essay is organized and easy to follow. Your thesis is clear, and examples are well described. However, you essay would be better if you tied your examples back to the prompt (especially the second one). Overall, good essay :D</p>

<p>Pros:
-Your essay employs personal examples, instead of a hodgepodge of mixed support (i.e. historical fact, personal example, and then a movie)
-Your essay is LONG.
-Good hook in the introduction.
-You provide an insight gained, or a lesson learnt in your conclusion. This is an effective way to end an essay.</p>

<p>Cons:

[quote]
elders (people in authority)

[/quote]

I personally don't like parenthetical asides, but they won't matter much. I guess it is a matter of style and preference.</p>

<p>
[quote]
From then on, I promised myself two things. One, I wouldn't ever join a gang and two, I would think through all the decisions made by my superior that could get me in trouble.

[/quote]
</p>

<p>Would the sentence below read better?
"From then on, I promised myself two things: 1) I wouldn't ever join a gang and 2) I would think through all of my superior's decisions that could get me in trouble."</p>

<p>Yet, the good aspects of your essay eclipse the bad ones. So I'd give you an 10/12.</p>

<p>can anyone else score this?</p>

<p>i disagree with the previous scores
id give you an 8...max.
If your gonna use personal examples then at least make up good ones that are not so cliche and basic. Also, never use TWO personal examples, one is the max never do more or else the grader thinks you don't know any other examples besides BS you made up. Your second example doesn't relate to your thesis and you EXPLAIN your second example in your conclusion...You should explain why you chose that as an example in your second paragraph and relate it back to the thesis. A conclusion should not add any new information or analysis but rather sum up your ALREADY explained ideas.
You also need more examples- TWO EXAMPLES from history, experience, or any thing else will NEVER get you above a 9.
Work on your grammar and spelling.</p>

<p>
[quote]
You should explain why you chose that as an example in your second paragraph and relate it back to the thesis. A conclusion should not add any new information or analysis but rather sum up your ALREADY explained ideas.

[/quote]

I'll say that just providing the summary is not enough. Add further insights. Develop more from your thesis. I choose any of these five techniques below:</p>

<ol>
<li>Unexpected value</li>
<li>Consequences if thesis is not followed</li>
<li>Lessons learnt</li>
<li>A call to action; suggestion of possible solutions</li>
<li>counterargument followed by debunking</li>
</ol>

<p>
[quote]
You also need more examples- TWO EXAMPLES from history, experience, or any thing else will NEVER get you above a 9.

[/quote]

Actually, disjointed, multiple examples will often impede you from getting anything above a 9. Make your examples coherent.</p>

<p>This is my last note; there is nothing wrong about writing an SAT essay with two personal examples. This essay was kind of similar to mine in structure - what I wrote in the January 2010 SAT - and I got an 11, with two personal examples.</p>

<p>ok, thanks guys</p>

<p>anyone else?</p>

<p>First, each reader works on a 1-6 scale; two readers' scores are added.</p>

<p>I would give it a 5. Great start, but then it kind of drifts away from the prompt, especially the part about you not wanting to join a gang. So a conclusion that looped more back onto the prompt would have helped bump me to the 6.</p>

<p>I'm not that qualified to grade essays, but I would say to not use an example like the one you used for the second paragraph. I personally believe it to be way too incredulous. It also does not tie itself to the question at hand either; you didn't question anyone in authority. I'm all for using personal examples, but just say anything that might cause doubt among the readers, even if it's true.</p>