Can you score my SAT essay,please

<p>topic:Does a strong commitment to technology progress cause a society to neglect other values, such as education and the protection of the environment?
My essay:
In today’s world, the more and more developed technology surly gives us lots of achievements and other benefits, but there are other commensurately urgent problems such as environment pollution and the overuse of technology. As individuals in this society, we must take on our responsibilities to solve these matters.</p>

<p>In the movie An Inconvenient Truth directed by David Guggenheim is a great film to educate people to protect the environment. The movie indicates that if we don’t take measures to protect the environment, the global-warming problem will become worse and worse, and our planet will become a frying-pan. ‘people devastate the environment recklessly,’ David says,’ he reason why I wanted to make this film is to let more citizens know the essence of this problem and o something useful to rescue our endangered earth, such as do not drive the cars which need gasoline, instead, buy the electric cars. In the movie, I showed people the situation of our today’s planet. The polar bears are being killed, the ice-cap are melting, and the temperature is getting higher and higher. I suggest that within one hundred years, some places that have low altitudes will forever submerge in the ocean. Hope more people will realize this sort of problems.’</p>

<p>Just like David said, there are many benefits of the development of technology, but we can’t avoid the serious emergencies lying ahead of us. They are potential dangers to us even our descendants.</p>

<p>Here is another example which all of us should think deeply for it,. Recently a group of teenagers attended the MUN and made a wonderful speech for all the people around the earth. A thirteen year-old girl said eagerly,’ Coming here today, I have no hidden agenda. I am fighting for my future. I am here to speak for the countless animals dying across this planet because they have nowhere to go. We can not afford to be not heard. I am afraid to go out in the sun now because of the holes in the ozone. I am afraid to breathe the air because I don’t know what chemicals are in it. Did you have to worry about these little things when you were my age? you do not know how to fix the holes in our ozone layer. You don not know how to bring back an animal now extinct. If you do not know how to fix it, please stop breaking it!</p>

<p>The two examples show you the problems we face with the development of technology. And if you are a beneficiary of the inventions we use today, please pay attention to the another side of it.</p>

<p>Hope you can give me some advice ,thank you!</p>

<p>Not sure how the grading system works, but here's some feedback: </p>

<li>you don't have a clear-cut thesis, meaning you don't actually answer the prompt. You kind of manuever around it and go into a whole different tangent (that we must solve the environmental issue v. society that advocates technological development neglects the environmental issue).</li>
<li>your support is strong but doesn't focus on the prompt. Yes, there's an environmental issue, and your pieces of evidence show that. However, your essay doesn't tie the evidence back to the original prompt (most likely due to lack of a thesis). </li>
<li>grammar issues. I would not use first-person pronouns (I, me) in an SAT essay. Read over your writing again. Overall the tone, especially in the body paragraphs, is too casual.</li>

<p>Score: 2, mostly because you didn't really answer the question.
(Again, I don't know how the SAT scorers would reward you. I'm only focusing on what you could improve... because I'm a critical fellow. Don't take this score as a personal attack. I'm just being honest and as helpful as I can).</p>

<p>Sent from my ADR6400L using CC App</p>

<p>If I were a generous SAT essay grader, I would give it a 2/12.</p>

<p>In simplest terms, cutting away all of the prompt's fluff, the SAT essay question was: is our focus on technology getting in the way of our focus on education and humanity? The question was not: should we be more focused on saving the environment and preserving wildlife?</p>

<p>Your essay essentially answers the latter question, focusing on Guggenheim's movie and the MUN speech to illustrate how environmental concerns and dying wildlife are increasingly urgent matters. You never bring in the negative or positive aspects of TECHNOLOGY into your essay, and instead give a whole paragraph solely comprised of a rambling quote, and another body paragraph comprised of another rambling quote. The only mention you make to technology is rather offhandedly in the first sentence of your pithy "conclusion," which is otherwise marred by your awkward shift into the second person pronoun "you." </p>

<p>Though you miss the essence of the question - and in the process end up posing an unrelated tangential question - the true misfire of the essay is a lack of cohesion and author's voice. You meander in and out of the third person and second person perspectives, and produce a piece that lacks a sense of logical union and written identity.</p>

<p>On the whole, there is a resounding lack of true analysis of the prompt and evidence you present. The essay essentially is a listing of two pieces of evidence, without any analysis, sandwiched between two thin "intro" and "conclusion" sentences.</p>

<p>I would suggest first developing as a writer, without the time constraint--experiment with different writing styles until you stumble upon and hone your voice as an essay writer. This might take time, but when you've mastered that unique author's style, even the tightest time constraint will be no obstacle. </p>

<p>Good luck!</p>

<p>After reading your comments, I think i know the problems i have.And i will improve it and put it on the website tomorrow.Hope you can check my essay again.That will be really helpful to me!</p>

<p>hello, everyone. I am so thankful that all of you can give me advice i need.After improving, i think this essay is ok.I hope i can see my progress.
Can you score it again?Thank you!
Topic:Does a strong commitment to technological progress cause a society to neglect other values, such as education and the protection of the environment?</p>

<p>My essay:
In today’s world, the more and more developed technology surly gives us lots of achievements and other benefits, but there are other commensurately urgent problems such as education and the environmental issues. Several examples from current events and scientific findings clearly demonstrate that the inevitably cost of the technological progress.
Sometimes the dangers are sensed even as soon as the new technology was born. As shown by Clone, a new-born, highly sophisticated technology, people now can duplicate cells and individualities without copulation, can use it in genetics, breeding and medical science .However, soon afterwards objections appeared. It is shown that some biologists and anthropologists worry about whether clone will affect the diversity of genes, break the automaticity of biological revolution, and bring social culture and social relations into confusion. Thus, though there are great benefits of clone, no one can image how tremendous influence it will bring to the society in the future.
Just like the problems of medical and ethical relating to the development of technology, the environmental issues can not be dismissed. To illustrate, a film named An Inconvenient Truth directed by David Guggenheim is appropriately suited for the subject. The movie indicates that the progress of technology is faster than ever nowadays, at the cost of destroying the environment. In the film, shows the situation of today’s world, because of the growing numbers of factories, people in some places can not even breathe, and lots of people die of the air pollution. Because of the developed health care system, citizens are living longer and longer ,as a result ,people are in exponential growth ,together with the countless number of cars, provide quite amount of carbon dioxide, causing global-warming problems and the melting of ice-caps in the polar regions, etc. Accordingly, authority and individuals must take responsibilities to balance the relation between environment and the technology progress.
The final example is closely related to the life around people. Computers are commonly used nearly everyday for numerous reasons. At first people use computers to keep some files in order and do some calculating. However, later, like one of my best friend, plays the computer day and night, without caring his school work or friendship with other people or the healthy of himself. Hence, although the development of technology is convenient for people, they should use it properly.
After a careful analysis of the three examples, with the development of technology, a society often ignore other aspects of it such as education and the environmental problem and others.
Hope you can give me some advice ,thank you!</p>