<p>On a scale of 1-6, what score would you give my essay. I wrote it in the prescribed 25 minutes, so keep that in mind. Thanks!</p>
<p>Prompt: Is it true that the strong do what they wish?</p>
<p>I agree in response to the statement, “the strong do what they wish”. Political leaders, police officers, parents and individuals in positions of power provide good examples. The way people in authoritative roles make rash decisions illustrates how they can indeed do what they wish.</p>
<p>Charles Taylor, a ruthless dictator of a war-torn country in West Africa is an example of a strong person that does what he wishes. Despite pressure from the international community to step down and numerous trade embargoes he continued with his onslaught of innocent civilians which dissipated throughout the region. He sold blood diamonds to the West so he could purchase advanced weaponry and move forward with his rampage. Despite overwhelming opposition, no one could truly stop him as he continued with his violations of human rights, acts of genocide and the destruction of the lives of his own people. President Amadinejad of Iran is a person who is also in a similar position. He continues to issue threats to wipe the state of Israel of the map, a provocative nuclear enrichment program and the funding of terrorist organizations around the world; particularly the insurgency in Iraq. The strong can do what they wish because in many instances the rule of law does not apply to them and they are impelled by the corrupting influences of power. </p>
<p>Parents are also examples of people that can do what they wish in regard to our future. The law does not obligate parents to pay for our university tuition, buy us a car when we turn sixteen or even provide us with a place to live once we become adults. Parents can create curfews, prohibit us from attending certain events and chose not to buy us something even though we may feel we need it. Parents are reluctant to change their mind not matter how eloquently we try to persuade them.</p>
<pre><code>Police officers in many third world countries are known for their corruption, Instead of enforcing the law they often are the ones who break it by accepting bribes, arresting people without justification or by searching homes and cars without warrants ot probable cause. Police officers who make lousy salaries often do what they wish to supplement their income because no one will make them face the consequences for abusing their power and this is the norm for many people in positions of power.
To sum up, People of all walks of life that have power often cannot handle it responsibly and do not have an consequences to deter them from taking any action they may please. Justice is truly nothing more than the interest of the stronger.
</code></pre>
<p>I’d say that’s an 8. Your examples were far too general (try to relate specific, if fictional, anecdotes) and the essay doesn’t give the impression that your stance on the topic is firm. </p>
<p>The writing quality was good, grammar was used effectively, and it’s “good” writing.</p>
<p>I agree with Ashraf…I know it sounds difficult, but you have to be more specific in your examples. The Parents example looks like you took it outta nowhere cause you couldnt imagine something else. And its provocative too since you are comparing people like Taylor and Amadinejad with parents who try to be responsible…if the essay grader is someone’s spouse, he won’t be too pleased about that one. (Did your parents recently ban you to go to a concert or something? )</p>
<p>Despite that all, good writing and an 8-9 is totally justified</p>
<p>Out of 6 points, I’d give about a 4 (so together an 8). It’s grammatically correct and everything, but it isn’t really the strongest writing either. </p>
<p>You start your first paragraph off with “I agree…”. Don’t do that…at all. I know they ask for your opinion to the question, but state it in a such a way that you don’t use first person. Also, in the first paragraph, try to include a strong thesis that way the reader knows what you want to prove and what examples you are going to use. </p>
<p>The body of the essay had some strong points, and some of your examples were really great. However, I think it could have been better. I like how in the second paragraph you use politics to back you up. I think instead of using parents and police officers in the next two paragraphs, you could have used a literary example. I always try to use a character or two from a book, and I think it really helps to back up and support my essay. If you know any acceptable book that contains examples of the strong doing what they wish, you could use it. I’ve also heard that readers like it when you use books and literature, so try to use at least one example in your essay.</p>
<p>The concluding paragraph starts off with “To sum up” which is not a good way to initiate things. You should also restate your thesis in the concluding paragraph and make one last clincher sentence.</p>
<p>I know all of this is really hard to do in 25 minutes, but it’s just how I think your essay can get better from what I see. Like I said, it really isn’t too bad at all, it just has potential to be a lot better.</p>
<p>I probably got an 8 or 9 on my essay, so don’t feel too bad. When reading your essay, it sounded good, but you could have expanded the first paragraph with your specific examples to prove your thesis “the strong can do what they wish”. With your second paragraph where you introduce your first two examples, you could separate the examples. Just have one example per paragraph and really expand on them being as specific as possible then tying them back to the thesis, but alter the wording.</p>
<p>Remember, there’s no set of the number of paragraphs that you’re allowed to write for the SAT essay. Try to fill up as much space on the space provided for the essay but write smart, not hard. I hope these tips work if you’re taking the SAT again.</p>
)</p>