I have skimmed the thread rather than reading carefully. My mother was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer 6 years ago. We live in Dallas which has outstanding hospitals and doctors and my Mom loved her doctor. My Dad insisted she go to MD Anderson (Houston). She really didn’t want to to pursue treatment away from home. MD Anderson actually prescribed a treatment that could be administered by her local oncologist. It was a much more aggressive treatment than her local oncologist recommended. To be alive, traveling and enjoying life is a miracle!
Anyone dealing with cancer or any other serious disease needs a family member to run the show - investigate options and help with the decision making. My friend is stubborn - she wants to be in charge. She is clearly not capable of doing so. On some level she knows the pain meds and steroids are affecting her behavior and thinking - yet - she will not relinquish decision making. Her oncologist is out of the country for several weeks - she has been dealing with the physician assistant at his office? Does that make any sense?
Tomorrow - she sees the neuro surgeon - because he is going to be her pain mgmt dr - as she thinks the oncologist is not doing a good job with that aspect of her care. She says she is on the maximum permitted dosage for the fentanyl patch ond oxy and the only other option is to go to the ER for a morphine IV? Yet she still believes her cancer is 100% curable.
I just don’t know what to even say anymore because she is not really listening anyway. I just listen.
Sending hugs. You care about your friend and want to do more and probably could if she would let you or you had standing as a family member. Listen, send food, offer support.
From bad to worse.
Her cousin just called me. Morning dr appt revealed bone fractures in her back and vision issues due to meds. She is taking an indefinite leave of absence.
I cannot even try to be optimistic today.
I am sorry about your friend, @rockvillemom.
Thank you. I am just stunned by how quickly she is deteriorating.
I don’t think that makes her “stubborn.” It makes her a normal adult human being, who wants to remain autonomous, to exercise the most critical right we possess.
Not saying that at some point (maybe even now) that she shouldn’t give up decision making power, but that is an incredibly hard thing to give up. It should only be done when absolutely necessary, not just when her decisions upset other loving adults.
This is moving so quickly - I think her cousin is making decisions now - based on the call I just rcvd.
I’m so sorry things are deteriorating. Makes me wonder how long she’s been ill but didn’t recognize or acknowledge it. Glad her cousin is on the scene, but I understand how hard it is for you to stand by and be unable to help in the ways you’d like.
So sorry, but glad she at least has her cousin helping her.
Maybe it’s time for realism. What can you do to support her? Food? Do her laundry? Set up a schedule for a team of her friends to help her out?
She is moving in with her cousin right now - so basics are covered. Hoping she is up to a visit this coming wknd and I can see how else I can help.
You are a good friend. Glad her cousin is stepping up and helping out. The fractures certainly can account for some of her pain.
I don’t understand why the fractures were not detected earlier, unless they are brand new.
Think about offering her cousin respite-- that you’ll stop by if the cousin needs a break or has something scheduled.
This is all so kind of you. I admire your caring.
It is possible that the cancer had spread to the bones awhile ago but that the fractures are very recent, caused by the weakening of the bones by the tumors.
Ok, that makes sense, I guess.
I just have to compartmentalize for now and actually turn my attention to work, and prepare a plan for how to work around her absence - what tasks I can do - what simpler tasks someone else can be trained to do for now…
Breaks my heart because even as recently as Thursday she was telling me how much she loves her job, how much she wanted to work even if just a few hours per day, etc. Begging us to not pressure her to take a leave of absence. And now, her working is out of the question.
She is a dedicated, conscientious employee and divvying up her responsibilities like she is not expected to return is just too much.
So very sad for your friend and her family/friends. This is a reminder not to sweat the small stuff.
I wish your friend peace & comfort. You too, @rockvillemom
Way back, I was stunned by how quickly my mother went from appearing “okay” to undeniably ill with cancer to being on her death bed.
Life isn’t fair. I had stage 2 melanoma- cut and cure more than a decade ago. H and I are physicians and saw a friend oncologist for a consultation to be thorough. Read through the posts, could make many comments but will refrain except to say each cancer type is different from others, as are varying stages of the same one. From the posts over less than ten days it sounds like much possible advice is now irrelevant. And much good advice already given. Apparently much too late to suggest a second opinion, based on events and person’s details. And some pursue far too much- another discussion.
It appears now that you need to cope with this situation for yourself. The suddenness of her deterioration likely has you reeling. I’ll bet you feel helpless- that is hard to deal with. Plus you have this huge gap in your workplace. You are not only missing a valued employee and friend but have her work to figure out. Perhaps dividing things into two parts will help you.
First part is being the friend. Keeping in touch and whatever friends can do.
Second part is the workplace. Figuring out how to get things done, get the needed employee for her tasks.
Then, take a deep breath and attend to your own feelings. You are dealing with a lot more than you think. It is a major disruption in your own life. Stressful. Scary- immortality not a given. So many better ways for me to state things, sorry I won’t prolong this and rethink my post too much. Get support for yourself from your own family and other friends.
PS- hope it helped to work through things with the CC “family”. So many good people posting in the Parent Café.