<p>((I’m a first-year college student looking to transfer. Unwisely, this past semester I gave myself a bit of a break, extra-curricular-wise, and as a result fire dancing has been my most active club/activity by a long shot. It doesn’t present a great deal of practical aid to my academic career, of course, but in the absence of a better option I’ve attempted to demonstrate its social and emotional benefits, as well as provide a sense of my own voice. Thanks in advance!))</p>
<pre><code>If you had told me before I arrived at Bard that fire dancing would be among my favorite pastimes before the first semester was out, I would have said you had the wrong girl (as well as backed away slowly from this odd stranger with the faulty prognosticative powers). Nevertheless, in Poi Joy I have found a highly unexpected niche. Our evening practices, and occasional late-night fire breathing demos, are full of camaraderie and laughter. Also flames. Flames sailing inches from your ears, flames kept in check by momentum and clever flicks of the wrist alone. As frivolous as it may seem, fire dancing has been an intensely gratifying pursuit these past months, the source of many new friendships, and a refreshing break from academic responsibilities. I am positive that it will remain a love of mine for many years to come.
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<p>My insomnia is your gain. Here’s your prose with a little expert editing. Notice the hook to start. Who doesn’t want to keep reading after the first sentence. GL</p>
<p>Flames sailing inches from your ears, flames kept in check by momentum and clever flicks of the wrist alone. Before arriving at Bard, If anyone would have told me that fire dancing would be among my favorite pastimes. I would have said, keep walking-you got the wrong girl. But since coming to Bard, I’ve found the fire dance of Poi Joy my new obsession. Our evening practices and fire breathing demos are full of camaraderie, laughter, new friendships and best of all a refreshing break from academic responsibilities. I am positive that it will remain a love of mine for many years to come.</p>
<p>Just a few grammatical changes,
Flames sail inches from your ears, flames kept in check by momentum and clever flicks of the wrist alone. Before arriving at Bard, if anyone told me that fire dancing would be among my favorite pastimes, I would have told them to keep walking–you got the wrong girl. Since coming to Bard, I’ve found the fire dance of Poi Joy my new obsession. Our evening practices and fire breathing demonstrations are full of camaraderie, laughter, new friendships, and, best of all, a refreshing break from academic responsibilities. I am positive that it will remain a love of mine for many years to come.</p>
<p>Flames, kept in check by momentum and clever flicks of the wrist alone, sail inches from your ears. </p>
<p>Maybe change it to “my” ears, instead of “your”.
And then I would want to read details about the attributes one needs to be successful at this activity (cautious and focused yet adventurous too??). Can you add in a short anecdote that relays more about you? Can you compare the first time you fire danced to a recent success?</p>
<p>Before arriving at Bard, if anyone told me that fire dancing would be among my favorite pastimes, I would have told them to keep walking–you got the wrong girl. Since coming to Bard, I’ve found the fire dance of Poi Joy my new obsession. Our evening practices and fire breathing demonstrations are full of camaraderie, laughter, new friendships, and, best of all, a refreshing break from academic responsibilities. I am positive that it will remain a love of mine for many years to come. </p>
<p>About “refreshing break from academic responsibilities”: Can you reword this? Convey the same info, but add in a sense of how it gives you a break–give a more detailed account of the emotional benefits. Does it boost your confidence? Does it help you pace your work better? </p>
<p>What an interesting sounding EC!
Good luck!</p>