<p>Hayden,
Sorry. You might try the <a href=“http://www.elderrage.com%5B/url%5D”>www.elderrage.com</a> website. The lady who wrote the book offers some hints in her book and website. I finally had the chance to meet her this year and she is a great person.
LA</p>
<p>Hayden, my grandmother began losing her memory at 91. She was living with her 60 year old D, so she was able to avoid assisted living up until that point. Once she started losing her memory, she began leaving the stove on, and had empty pots on the open flames. At that point we had to place her in a nursing home. She was angry at her children for putting her there, but there was no other option. She lived there for about one year, and continued to decline until she passed away. At the same time, that her memory declined she physically began tripping. She had a couple of nasty falls in the nursing home (broke her arm). We knew that she was in the right place. </p>
<p>My FIL declined quickly from being a very healthy guy (due to cancer). He was 81. He was still driving and we knew it was dangerous. We had his doctor tell him that he could no longer drive. This dependancy upon us for freedom caused him to be depressed, but it was a necessary step. In fact, when he knew how sick he was, he thought about buying himself a brand new car just 2 months before he was stripped from his car keys. Fortunately, we were able to talk him out of buying the new car.</p>
<p>It is hard to crawl inside someone else’s mind. My H is a clergy and as a young man gave a sermon about aging; well, he did his best, but an octogenerian came up afterwards to advise him. She said, “Okay, but you still don’t get it. Here…pinch my flesh!” she said, extending her arm, presenting him the waddly part between her elbow and armpit. He hesitantly squeezed her…and she said, “No, I mean really take a big squeeze.” So he did.
“There!” she said, triumphantly. Now always remember this: when you see me, you see 80 year old flesh. But what you need to know is the INSIDE, I feel 14, 18, 25, 33 and…"</p>
<p>Hayden, the inner child of your parent is so afraid now, the middle-aged child in there longs for control and authority. It’s all there, all at once. No wonder she’s so confusing to deal with. The fact that she’s your Mom also means she likely knows she’s tearing you up with her guilt-trips, too. It’s so complicated. You’re dealing with the accumulated years of experience all at the same time.</p>
<p>You’re doing a good job already. A lot of people seem to be describing an arc whereby at first they take it all personally (Mom-Daughter stuff) but then begin to chalk it up more to the situation. It occurs to me that we do the same with our teenage kids, too, realizing it’s the age/stage and not them exactly being mean.</p>
<p>Paying3tuitions, Thanks for posting the story about your H and his congregant. The point is really so on target.</p>
<p>You are all being so incredibly helpful. Thank you!! </p>
<p>Vis-a-vis your story, P3T, I heard a line very similar: Inside every 70-year-old is a 35-year-old wondering what happened. But your story is really more accurate. They truly do not believe they are getting so old. Like a teenager, aging happens only to other people, never to them.</p>
<p>I really appreciate everyone’s help. Especially since you all have dealt with this, and with more difficult situations yourselves. Thanks.</p>
<p>I just received this week’s issue of Newsweek. The cover story is “Caregiving and Alzeimer’s”. There are several very well written stories on issues relating to caring for aging parents (not specifically Alzheimer’s patients) which have been discussed in this thread. Based on my personal experience with both my mother and my mother-in-law (who had Alzheimer’s), the advice given in these articles is factual and on the mark. I have copoied the link and titles of the articles in this section below: </p>
<p><a href=“http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/3032542/site/newsweek/[/url]”>http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/3032542/site/newsweek/</a></p>
<p>CONFRONTING ALZHEIMER’S </p>
<p>Alzheimer’s: Role Reversal for Adult Children
Video: Losing Mom to the Disease
Quinn: Insuring Your Future Care
A Guide for Caregivers
Gallery: Portraits of Alzheimer’s patients and the family members who care for them</p>
<p>MotherofTwo
Thanks so much for the link to Newsweek.Its insightful reading,a good synopsis
OP,I suggest you read it.</p>
<p>hayden</p>
<p>You and your siblings have to sit down together via vis the three way calling or what have you. You folks need to make sure that there is both a medical power of attorney as well as a financial (for lack of a better way of putting it) power of attorney in place. It is no big deal. As long as you folks all communicate everything nicely now, there will be no big blow ups later. Does not matter as to who all lives where. You do three way calling or make a little yahoo chat room if need be. No big deal. </p>
<p>Please note, that I have worked with the elderly in a humble fashion and I could scare you and tell you horror stories about older folks who have no power of attorney at all. Now, I will not scare you, but think about what will happen if you and your siblings do not get together and tend to this now. That is all I will say about that. </p>
<p>If your elderly parent still drives, then I think that whacky, really. How is their vision? How are their reflexes?
Is there a nice curb side public transport pick up service for the elderly in your city? Anything like that? I have seen many elderly folks make nice pals through such things. </p>
<p>Also, why no walker? Was your elderly parent not taught to use it? There is an “art” to using a walker and a physical therapist should have tended to that. </p>
<p>Could your parent have at home care through their health insurance? Are you folks all involved with Church or Temple? You might be able to rally some folks into checking up on things and maybe even leaving a little home cooked meal for supper and all. </p>
<p>I think that maybe you need to get this with the power(s) of attorney tended to. And, then, call the health insurance provider - please. </p>
<p>I am not trying to be intrusive (you just please paron me if I am coming off that way), I am just sharing what I have learned. My heart just has a really soft spot in it for our nation’s elderly.</p>
<p>Hi, one of your members (who attended my recent seminars) emailed today saying, “These people need to read your book!” So, I am just letting you know about me in case what I have learned the hard way can help you!</p>
<p>I was so compelled by a year of being the sole caregiver to my challenging elderly father and sweet but ailing mother (both with early Alzheimer’s not properly diagnosed), that once I finally figured everything out medically and behaviorally — I gave up my stalled career as a television executive to become an advocate for Alzheimer’s and eldercare awareness and reform.</p>
<p>Boundless determination to save others from a similar experience resulted in my first (self-published / best-selling) book “Elder Rage”; producing & hosting a radio program “Coping With Caregiving” (700 archived interviews you can listen to free of charge); media including TODAY, CNN, PBS Documentary, Woman’s Day, Prevention, AARP Bulletin cover story; two Blogs; and over 150 keynotes (CEU/CME’s), including replacing Maureen Reagan at the California Governor’s Conference for Women, and to the National Security Agency and Florida House of Representatives. I also speak about surviving my recent breast cancer and how to embrace gratitude and humor to overcome life’s challenges–and the IMPORTANCE for caregivers to closely monitor their own health!</p>
<p>MY MISSIONS
To: help improve eldercare laws; encourage long-term care planning; enlighten healthcare professionals and provide solutions and hope to families; encourage funding for Alzheimer’s and Breast Cancer research and heighten early diagnosis awareness; expose elder abuse and exploitation; bring attention to Adult Day Services, which saved my parents’ lives as well as my own. </p>
<p>Find all these links and free caregiving/Alzheimer’s information that will help you at: <a href=“http://www.ElderRage.com%5B/url%5D”>www.ElderRage.com</a></p>