<p>I think we’re facing a huge problem that a lot of others might be facing, and we really need help. I’m really hoping someone out there has some assistance or just support. I almost don’t know where to turn anymore. My mother is 87. She was in the hospital for about 3 weeks. Now that she’s out and doing “fine”, we have to redefine “fine”. It’s like the new normal. She is supposed to use a walker, which she refuses to use. She is losing short term memory for the first time. She forgets where our kids are. She’s getting more and more fragile, day by day. BUT she refuses to recognize any of this. </p>
<p>The biggest - and it’s gigantic - problem is, she won’t stop driving. We started driving her places, hoping she’d just not feel the need to do it herself anymore. Then we “lost” her keys. Nothing worked. When we came out and told her it just wasn’t safe for herself or others, she threw us out of her house.</p>
<p>She keeps her own checkbook. I’m finding bunches of checks written to every charity in the world. If she truly supported these groups that would not raise an eyebrow. But she is on a fixed income. When I asked her why she sent so much money to so many charities, she answered that if she sent them money, they’d go away and stop bothering her. (I asked her if feeding the dog at the table encouraged the dog to leave the table.) I’ve offered to do her checks for her, with her sitting right next to me. But she said her friends have told her to not let anyone near her checkbook.</p>
<p>We keep suggesting she have someone live with her so she never has to worry about going to assisted living. And the ex-nanny of our kids, whom she knows well and loves, volunteered to live with her. But she says she refuses to give up her independence. [Excuse me - what independence? Everything that goes wrong, or wheneve she needs something, she calls us!]</p>
<p>No one wants to take their own mother to court. She’s still doing fairly well, but just not well enough. And for sure, she won’t be getting any better.</p>
<p>What can we do ??? Help, please. Anyone else with this experience?</p>
<p>Unfortunately, I went through a similar situation with my own mother several years ago, and several of my relatives and friends have gone through or are currently going through similar situations. It sounds like your mother is somewhat losing her good judgement, so, even though it is difficult to do to your own parent and you hesitate to offend her, you may somehow have to force her to accept help. If you don’t, it may reach the point of a life-threatening crisis, and then you will regret your inaction. </p>
<p>It has been my observation that even though these elderly people say they don’t want help (someone living with them or a move to assisted living), once their kids insist on it, they accept it. Once they get used to the new arrangements, they are actually happier than they were previously.</p>
<p>Do you have any siblings nearby so you can work as a team to get your mom the help she needs?</p>
<p>Good luck!!! I definitely empathize with you!</p>
<p>Hayden
I feel for you.Im in the same position right now but my Mom (82) has been more compliant in turning over her financial and driving.
First things first…you must,somehow,get a power of attorney signed as soon as possible (must be notarized).That way when she truly cant handle her affairs (forgetting to pay bills, not being able to sign her name,etc) you will be covered. Convince her to add your name to her checking/savings accounts.
You can disable the car, thats what we did to my Mom’s about a year ago.Now she doesnt even remember the car is there most of the time.(Im waiting to give it to a neice finishing driving lessons/road test).
Have your Mom sign the title now,so you can do with it what you need to if her memory keeps failing and she cant sign later on.
My Mom agreed to a part time “aide” for now and shes been a godsend.Its whats working for now,with me doing her shopping,putting cooked food in her fridge once a week, and the aide making her “brunch” daily.I also pay the bills,do all her banking,etc.I told her if she wouldnt have someone in the house,she would have to go to assisted living. That will be next when I just cant do this anymore.
She also wont use the walker thats stashed in the closet, but also wont get dressed or go outside.She literally hasnt been outside her apt door in 4 months.Dont know what we’ll do when she has to go to the Dr…
My BIL just had to go to court in Florida to gain guardianship over his Mom who refused to sign the power of attorney and is incompetent to take care of herself. It took social workers,lawyers,etc…a month and a half of procedures.She was moved to assisted living this past Monday.Now he has to sell her apt,car etc. He was at his wits end over not having that one piece of paper.
I dont have any easy answer for how you get her to sign (and make sure she initials ALL the conditions…my cousin just ran into trouble b/c some of the boxes werent initialed so she cant sell some stocks/bonds for her Mom…my aunt)
There are message boards all over the internet.Perhaps they will have more suggestions for you.Start with a search for “Altzheimer’s support groups”.
I know its not easy,welcome to this new world.Its scary and frustrating, and emotionally draining.You sound about where I was last September.</p>
<p>Based on my experience and observations, I totally agree with all of what Cathymee wrote. I did not give the details of my mom’s situation because it was more complicated, and many of the details would not be relevant to your situation, but the gist of what I and my acquaintances had to do is exactly what Cathymee related.</p>
<p>I also echo what cathymee has written. I went through this with my mother, who refused to move from her apartment in NYC as her health was deteriorating. I was able to hire aides to take care of her, and she eventually allowed me to pay her bills and assume more and more responsibility for her life, but it was pretty difficult to do (particularly as I live over 2 hours away). At certain points I simply had to insist on taking over (as when I had her mail forwarded to me) even when she protested.</p>
<p>If you can, I would hire your ex-nanny (who sounds ideal), and tell your mother that this is the arrangement you’ve made, because you love her and want her to be able to stay in her own home. At a certain point we children have to become like parents to our parents, making sure that they get the care they need. I wish you the best - I know firsthand what a difficult time this is.</p>
<p>It may be too much of a “bump” to go right from having you on-call and someone moving in to live with her. Can you hire visiting help instead, for a few hours at first, just to get her used to non-family members interacting with her?</p>
<p>She sounds too independent, but we had success combining elders within our family (brother and sister-in-law), moved them both into a two-bedroom apartment. Then both families shared the caregiving costs, although one person still brought in the cooked food. The help only microwaved it.
Each elder tended to stay in their own bedroom with the helper occupying the living room and kitchen, with rare exception. The bedrooms were made to be very all-purpose, with the family photos etc. there, rather than in the living room. That gave some “independence” with care, as well.</p>
<p>The money going out everyplace is very familiar to me, coupled with the paranoia about others stealing. This is a very familiar symptom of dimentia.
BTW, I learned that it doesn’t matter, for practical purposes, whether the diagnosis is actually Alzheimer or senility in the early stages, in terms of how you’d help a person. So please benefit from all the wisdom of Alzhiemers support sites, even if it isn’t Alzheimers. </p>
<p>ON the car keys, a doctor can have them taken away. You can quietly advocate for this without her knowing. I’m sure you, like me, are horrified that she might hurt someone else. Oddly I was more worried about that prospect than harm to my elder, knowing how much he cared about others when in his prime. </p>
<p>Being a parent to your parent is frightening because of the reversal of authority roles. She is probably fighting you very hard. It’s going to be rough and take tremendous energy. I’m so sorry.</p>
<p>Sometimes a friendly physician can write a note and have the driver’s license revoked. Once a parent cannot drive, then it is easier to introduce a companion to help with driving. I found unpaid bills in my parents’ house, and was nicely able to get “new checks” which included BOTH our names. I also had bills forwarded to me</p>
<p>Good luck. Besides my own parents, I’ve helped other elderly people and families make adjustments in life styles. Just keep posting.</p>
<p>many good suggestions here. another one to keep in mind, as you are working out the power of attorney, is to deal with the health proxy if at all possible. </p>
<p>I was fortunate that years before the pressing need arose, my mom stopped driving (found driving “a nuisance”) and also took the lead on getting the legal things in order: POA, health proxies, joint checking account. She finally agreed to come live with us at age 83, and was going fairly strong until 88, when she was diagnosed with dementia. Two years ago when her walking was severely impaired we had to make the difficult decision to move her into a nursing home. </p>
<p>This is a stressful process and you must do everything you can to take care of YOU as well as your mom.</p>
<p>There was an article in the New York Times recently about an older person who is 92 and love to talk to telemarketing on the phone since his wife died. </p>
<p>You can’t just get checks with your name on them for your parent’s account unless you have Power of Attorney or the parent’s permission. In the case of my mom, we did not have Power of Attorney (we eventually became her legal guardians, but that is another story). At one point, she was critically ill (has fortunately since recovered from the illness) and we told her we needed her to sign a few blank checks so we could pay her bills. She was too sick to argue or even think much about it and was at the point where she was barely able to sign the few checks. With one of the signed checks, we withdrew quite a large sum from her bank account and deposited the funds in a new account that we set up in my and my sister’s names, which we used specifically to pay all of her expenses until we gained guardianship and were able to be co-signers on her existing accounts.</p>
<p>Be very careful, too, with any paid helpers. My FIL thinks every hired helper is a new best friend- he ended up co signing a car loan for the last one and she took advantage of him, too, allowing him to pay her 24 x the hourly rate she was being paid for a few hours a day when there was a temporary need for round the clock care! After paying her $30k or more that year, she defaulted on the car loan!</p>
<p>Power of attorney is critical. We eventually had to hide the car a few blocks away. We took the checkbook away and got my mother in law a post office box so the mail no longer came to the house so we could screen it first. This was all after she got into an accident which she refused to admit was her fault and gave away tens of thousands of dollars to sweepstakes and filled a room with mail order junk.</p>
<p>Is there some kind of relicensing going on around the country? My mom (80) was kind of secretive about things, but at some point about 2 years ago, she suddenly needed to pass a driving test. I don’t know why. Since she’dnever had proper driving lessons in her life, she was terrified she’d lose her license (New Hampshire). She took some lessons and was greatly relieved to call and say she’d passed it. So I wonder what that was about. Maybe she did something bad and had to prove herself? Am wondering if the OP has any process within her state where the mom has to verify she can still drive acceptably.</p>
<p>Rereading the OP, I see nobody’s yet picked up on her not using the walker. Do you have any idea why not? In our congregation I’ve heard so many complaints, easily addressed. If it squeaks, put some tennis balls on the bottom. If it’s too shakey, maybe she doesn’t like the kind with wheels. If it’s too stiff, then get one with wheels. High enough; low enough, all adjustable. But most often I hear they’re ugly. That one leaves me stunned, and all I can say is “you’re beautiful.” ONe gal complained she couldn’t get around in the shopping mall; I bought her a tricycle bell (now, she did have a sense of humor in place).
If it’s not helping her, she might not need to use it; that is, does she get tired without it? Maybe a cane is enough. Usually if people need them they use them. Now, if she’s unstable or can’t walk well and might fall, then I can see using it; but maybe it’s not relevant and she can feel that. Perhaps you can find out from the dr. if it was prescribed “as needed” or “required so she doesn’t fall” == big difference. Why does it bother you that she doesn’t use the walker; does she then complain b/c she’s tired or has pain? Then she really needs it. Anyway, a walker isn’t always like a required medicine, so find out what’s important there.</p>
<p>My FIL would not use a walker or cane. Seemed to feel it was a sign of weakness. He had mild Parkinsons and fell repeatedly. He and my MIL, dear people both, refused to leave their apartment for one with levels of care available until it was too late and a nursing home was the only option. We tried in-home care, but they really needed a staff. At one point, my husband had to evacuate them to a hotel because of a hurricane. It was a nightmare and so sad.</p>
<p>My parents moved to a retirement home with 3 levels of care before they needed to. They have done living will, powers of attorney and all the planning needed. What a gift this is to give your children! I’m planning to drag my husband into retirement living when the time comes. We’ve already told our son to take away the car keys when he sees fit.</p>
<p>You’ve gotten good advice. Do what you can to get your mother to agree to things, but if she doesn’t, eventually you’ll have to decide for her. The hard part with my in-laws was that it got to the point where there were no good options.</p>
<p>To clarify,
I was with my FA at bank when we had new checks issued. Also added my name to safety deposit box. Adjusted title to house. Called investment firms and with FA’s approval, I was able to shift funds and withdraw money for his care.</p>
<p>I would not have been able to do any of these things if did not have FA’s trust. My very healthy mother died quite suddenly and my FA fell apart, physically and emotionally. </p>
<p>As Bethievt writes, elderly people are proud. Some do not wish to be a burden to others, others embrace dependency. Understanding and tact go a long way.</p>
<p>Among other things, you need to get your mother into the doctor’s office (with a call from you ahead of time saying that one of your concerns is that it may no longer be safe for her to drive).</p>
<p>I suggest telling her that you’ve noticed that she doesn’t seem to be doing as well as usual since she came out of the hospital and that the doctor might be able to help with that. You will not be lying. Sometimes, an older person’s deterioration is due to reactions to medication, vitamin deficiencies, or treatable medical conditions. I had a very elderly aunt who slipped into la-la land several times, and each time was brought back to her articulate, competent, politically astute self by having her thyroid medication carefully adjusted. </p>
<p>Of course, it’s more likely that your mother’s deterioration is indeed a permanent matter, but if the doctor knows about it, he can at least steer you in the right directions to get other aspects of the situation dealt with.</p>
<p>There have been two situations in my family where elderly people fought like crazy against the idea of having helpers come into the house but actually enjoyed their company once they were there. </p>
<p>Could your ex-nanny come with you a few times when you go to help out your mother? And then could she maybe come one day instead of you? (It’s amazing how often fillings fall out and people have to make emergency trips to the dentist.) Maybe your mom could be eased into the situation of having this woman be her principal helper.</p>
<p>You are all so helpful with your advice, and I appreciate the support. One message I am taking to heart is that no matter what happens, I have to deal with the driving, but do it as tactfully and respectfully as possible. There are children on her street, and that’s one phone call no one wants, ever. So I will be respectful not only of her as she is now, but of what she would have felt when she was my age, when the children would have come first.</p>
<p>I will call her doctor and speak to him about the driving. </p>
<p>I feel very uncomfortable doing anything with money at this juncture, since I haven’t had any input from my siblings. They’re perfectly willing to help, but that’s been more in theory than practice. They live on the opposite coast, so I can’t expect them to help as much. I’ve asked them to come out to visit, since we haven’t seen them for a couple of years. I suspect that part of their “oh, I’m sure you can take care of it” attitude stems from the fact that they don’t appreciate how much Mom has deteriorated in the last 12 months. So I need to ask them to visit in a very explicit way, so they can evaluate for themselves. I absolutely DO NOT want to do anything about powers of attorney or checking accounts unless and until I have sibling support. Nothing against my siblings at all - it’s just human nature. If I did it on my own, it could cause issues with them down the road that I don’t want to have. But I’m afraid I may have to tell them that if they can’t visit for several months, I will have to go ahead with some of your suggestions because I have to think of mom as well as my siblings’ feelings.</p>
<p>Speaking of feelings, part of the problems involve her grumpiness with me. Her: “So haven’t heard from you in a long time. I guess you’re too busy to pay attention to your mother.” Me: “Yes, I guess my not seeing you since LAST NIGHT seems like a long time.” Grinding of teeth. Her: “I want my independence, so stop trying to take that away. By the way, let me tell you what I want you to buy at the store for me.” Me [with eyes closed and teeth still grinding]: “Sure, go ahead and give me the list.” The emotional toll is very high. My H and SIL’s help me keep a sense of humor, which is the safety valve. Thank God !</p>
<p>Each of you who posted offered something helpful, and I really appreciate it. Thanks so much. You’re right - the role reversal is very difficult. For both of us.</p>
<p>As far as siblings, it has been my observation that even if all live nearby, often one of them ends up taking the lion’s share of responsibility for taking care of the parent in need. You may have to explain the situation to your far-away siblings without mincing words, if they cannot visit soon, and take the necessary actions. If your mom is giving away a lot of money unwisely, it may be better to try to do something sooner rather than later to stop her from doing that.</p>
<p>I agree with MotherofTwo that you should approach your siblings now about getting power of attorney and not wait until they can visit. We had a terrible situation in my family where relative was in an accident and unconscious as a result and wasn’t able to sign a power of attorney. No one could touch his money or pay his bills for quite awhile. A big mess resulted. </p>
<p>As to the grumpiness, I think this is part of the overall situation. One of my good friends had to deal with her father who became extremely paranoid when he started to show symptions of dementia. When she would try to help him pay overdue bills, he accused her of trying to steal his money. She would leave his house in tears after every visit. Eventually, she became to see that the accusations were a part of the mental decline and she stopped taking it personally. </p>
<p>You are in a very difficult situation and are doing the right thing by becoming as knowledgable as possible about the issues involved with caring for aging parents.</p>
<p>Hayden (((({{{BIG HUGS}}}))))) for what you are going through. It will all work out in the end. Your mother is having trouble getting older, that is natural. She isn’t accepting it very well, that is also natural. But she needs to come to terms with it, and soon. Otherwise, she may unwittingly leave a mess that you and your siblings will have to clean up. That’s not fair to you. Hopefully she will see it in this light. She definately needs to give up her license; it will be hard to convince her. I agree the first step is her Dr. You are definately doing the right thing.</p>
<p>DH and I have been taking care of both his elderly (85) mother and his mentally ■■■■■■■■ sister (age 50). His mom recently had to enter a home and his sister has moved in with us. They both need daily care, but fortunately, his mother gave POA to him already and he now has access to all of her finances. Unfortunately, her finances are a mess; she had huge drawers in her dining room buffet where she threw all of her important papers (as least she thought) and paid bills (they go back more than 10 years). Basically, the whole buffet was a mess of paperwork. Sorting through it has been a nightmare. Now he is applying for public assistance on her behalf, and between the mountains of paperwork associated with that, and his sister’s own paperwork (she is already on public assistance) it has been quite a trip. Add to that the fact that we now have an empty house to take care of (DH’s brothers are helping to taking care of it), and we will probablly be selling the house soon (another nightmare there–it’s in rough shape), and handling our D’s h.s. graduation (and recent speeding ticket, another story there) our lives are not free from complication!</p>
<p>I just wish that his mom had been more forthcoming with her situation, and been more organized! She really had no clue what a mess she was leaving behind. She was in denial since she knew where everything was and she really didn’t think anything was going to happen to her.</p>